I ended it!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2006
I ended it!!
8
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 5:30pm
So last night I met up with the BF and told him that we needed to focus on ourselves and part ways. I was really good about it but he immediately got upset and stood up to leave. I made him stay for a little longer because I didn't want to leave like that. He was shaking because he was so mad, angry upset. Even said to me- "You broke up withe me again!". I tried to telling the other times were definately needed as he behaved very badly towards me. We played a game of pool, it was weird. Then a friend of mine took me out for drinks and I ended up getting pretty drunk and calle dhim many times, all night. He eventually turned off his phone. I really wish I had not harrassed him all night and I feel foolish for doing so...why can;t I just end things and not turn all weird about it? I have not calle dhim today and I will not call him- But I just feel so stupid for it!!
Oh well...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: cgsbeau
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 5:36pm

You made a good decision, and now you just need to maintain No Contact until he gets the message. Don't let yourself get so drunk that you undermine all your good work!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cgsbeau
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 9:01pm

Good for you, it was the right move, absolutely. You deserve better than him, no question. I'm sorry you embarrassed yourself, but since you can't change the past best to learn from it and move on. If you're thinking you owe him an apology call/email, you don't. Just don't contact him again, and like Geo said, don't accept contact from him either. To help you gain more insight about the importance of no-contact, here's an article that explains really well why it's not a good idea:
LETTING GO OF HARMFUL RELATIONSHIPS
Don't let the title fool you, the information's good whether your relationship was good or harmful.


If you think there's any possibility a few days/weeks from now you'll start to second guess yourself and feel like things weren't that bad, etc., basically questioning why you broke up and toying with the idea of getting back together, I suggest you make a written detailed list of all the things that were not acceptable (you might print out your post here too) and tuck them away in a drawer. When you start to question your decision, pull out your list and read it over. Reading the details in your own words will bring back the issues full force and refresh you pretty quickly that it was that! You've just got to love how the human mind softens the past so it seems better than it was, don't you?


Really great move, Cgsbeau ~ keep us updated on how you're doing!








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
In reply to: cgsbeau
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 2:03pm

You aren't the first person guilty of a DUI -- "Dialing Under the Influence" -- and you won't be the last! :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2006
In reply to: cgsbeau
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 9:59am

Heres my list...I needed to write it this morning cus I called him...yes I know I am not suppose to and it ended up badly.

Why we needed to break up:
-I did not trust him
-he hurt me a number of times
-we could not see eye to eye on many issues
-he did not take into consideration my needs
-he is self centered
-rarely asked how my day was
-never bent over backwards for me
-his needs were always first
-Lied, cheated
-he was condescending to me
-he thought he loved me but didn't
-never had any money
-didn’t consider my needs in the bedroom
-never stood up for me as far as I could tell
-did not make an effort with my family at all
-never told me I was beautiful- instead he said he was not with me cus of my looks- but instead cus of my brains-but he was attracted to me
-he had NO tact
-drank too much
-never took responsibility for his actions
-put his wrong doings onto me
-was ‘single-minded’
-makes me feel psycho...
-I was his comfort zone through life...made him feel safe but it was not reciprocated
-He told me once that he knows how to get his way with things- like if we broke up he said he would know how to get me to want him back if thats what he wanted...
-so hes manipulative
-there was no emotional connection between us- I wanted us to be best friends and lovers- he never wanted to hear me talk about my day- thought I talked too much
-today he said he feels like he wasted his time- how immature!
-He will jump into bed with someone when we break up ASAP to comfort himself by feeling wanted
-theres more but I thought you should check out what I have so far


Things that were good
-I liked the way he kissed
-did things with me I had never done (camping, hiking, biking)
-he was comfortable, good cuddlier
-he is attractive- flirty and sociable
-great cook
-adventurous
-spontaneous
-he would do manly things for me- work on my car- teach me how to do those things
-has a great family who loved me- but obviously loved him much more- mamas boy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: cgsbeau
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 11:17am

Okay, cgsbeau, NO CONTACT, remember?

That list was certainly an eye-opener--he was even worse for you than you told us. Wow, once you get through the first week or so of No Contact you are going to feel so much better!

Now you have a short list of good qualities to look for in the next guy:

WANTED: A comfortable, cuddly good kisser who can cook, camp, hike, bike, and flirt. Must be adventurous and spontaneous, a good mechanic, and come equipped with a family willing to love me. Only men with the desire for a healthy relationship and a genuine appreciation of and respect for women need apply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cgsbeau
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 10:14pm

At this point you need to keep your "what was not good" list and lose the "what was good" list, keeping a list of what was right will only give you reason to reconsider when you get weak, what's the point of that? It's dangerous and it's counterproductive.


Is the call you're talking about those same drunken calls or is this a new call?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2006
In reply to: cgsbeau
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 8:04am
The call was another one that I made yesturday. I felt so horrible for making an ass of myself that I felt the need to call. I think I just wanted to make sure he didn;t think I was that crazy or something. Instead it made me feel bad- he does think I am psycho and believes I have issues. Was not a good idea to call. I guess I just do not want to feel like the bad guy in this, it just doesn't seem fair! He did al lthe bad things and treated me horribly, yet everyone now is going to think it is ME! Sucks...but I made it happen, I made myself look like a fool. I told my best friend the other night that maybe it was a good thing that I got drunk and called him last friday cus now he hates me and theres no chance of anything between us. I think that does make me feel a little better thinking that way cus when he really wanted something he really can be manipulative.
As for the 'Good' list: I only did that because the article that was posted on someones message to me...was that you? Anyway, it talked about realizing the good and the bad of a relationship. That way you when you feel weakness to call you will have already remembered all the good things WITH the bad... Basically by making the list for bad and good, it showed the HUGE difference between the two lists and shows me what I do appreciate in a partner...And what I do not appreciate, so I know that for next time.
I have a busy next few weeks with my brothers wedding, my friends visit from out of town and my best friend and her hubby coming this weekend!! So we shall see how things go. I can say though that I have watched a few chick flicks lately and they are making me feel better. You know how some females watch those movies when they end a relationship and cry...well I didn't do that. Those movies are not for real, I know that, but they do show a little of what its like to be in love and how a guy should really treat a woman. So it made me begin to get excited at the idea of finding someone who treats me right...although trust me I will not be dating for a WHILE. I am not the kinda person that can jump right back in there...I need to heal!!
Thanks again ladies, this board has helped me in SO many ways. It has let me talk freely about my situation without feeling judged, it has helped me see things the way they really are!! I cannot thank you enough for listening...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cgsbeau
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 2:09am

Okay, now I understand the list, I thought you were holding onto both, pulling out whichever one you "felt like" looking at at the time. You can probably see why I'd think lamenting over a "good list" wouldn't do you much good. Comparing the long "bad" list to the short "good list" definitely is an eye opener. One suggestion I'd have for the list you hang onto to pull out when you start to question ending the relationship is to be more detailed, recite what he said to you, write down the infidelity, the lies he told about that (using his words and describing the scene, including how he said it was your fault because you'd hurt him), details bring back your vivid memory and that's what will remind you that this was not a good situation for you.


Yeah, calling him again was a bad thing. Having his last memory of you be one of you making a fool out of yourself isn't exactly how you'd like him to think of you. Been there done that myself. Hopefully, having done that in a sober state will have embarrassed you sufficiently that you won't do that again. Just to be sure, though, why not leave that "bad list" right by the phone for a while. : ) The upside is that if he thinks you have issues, it means he won't be trying to get you back, and not having him complicating things is a definite plus. So let him think that and keep his distance because of it, it's all good for you. That said (and I don't think this has anything to do with you calling him), you have mentioned some pretty serious things in your background, this would be a great time to deal with them and get them out of the way so that when you're ready to look for another relationship you can do so without those issues coming along and affecting it. Starting clean and healthy (and having time on your own to be clean and healthy first) would be the very best thing you could do for yourself and for your life.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"