I feel like a better person
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| Mon, 07-10-2006 - 4:43am |
Just wanted to share my thoughts and views on what im learning by being in a relationship. At the ripe old age of 32, im in my first serious relationship, have been for a year now. I had always given up before after a couple of months as it seemed like hard work but I guess I hadnt met a man I really wanted to be with unlike my boyfriend now.
I have always been a jealous, insecure person but im getting better at controlling that now and seeing how irrational and unfair ive been at times by projecting my thoughts and feelings onto how Im expecting him to act. Its very hard for me but I can see marked improvements in how I feel and how I deal with those feelings etc.
Ive always been a moody person, always wanting things to go my way. Usually friends and family have given into me but my boyfriend won't. As soon as I get like that, he lets me know my behaviour is childish and to snap out of it which after a few moments of completely seething inside, I realise im acting like a petulant child and will calm down.
Ive also always been scared of talking about my inner feelings, when something bothers me I tend to bottle it up where it keeps becoming a much bigger problem or I explode straight away and always end up saying things I regret. Its different with him. When we have a problem and one of us does something annoying/wrong etc, we let it pass us by until the next day when we are calm and relaxed and then we are able to have a mature conversation about what bothered us. He snapped at me this weekend but instead of getting humpy with him, I ignored it at the moment and explained the next day how he had upset me which he was then able to see and apologised to me. Though im certain this doesnt work with everyone, its the best thing for us as it means our rows never go on for too long and we are still able to solve them and get the other person to see our point of view. In the past, ive tried to solve it in the heat of the moment and nothing is ever sorted, it just escalates until its gone too far.
Everyone has said what a calming influence he has been on me and im just so happy he has not given up on me when Ive not made it easy for him. He on the other hand can see where he has gone wrong in the past with his ex wife and doesnt want to repeat those same problems with me. He has certainly had his moments, can p*ss me off with the way he behaves etc but together we seem to have struck the perfect compromise. I now understand that relationships are not always easy, sometimes I wonder why I put myself through it and in the past I would have baled but for 95% of the time, he is the most wonderful, caring man and definately worth the effort when things are not so smooth. Ive also realised that for the most part, what does bug me is so insignificant in the grand scheme of things that its silly to let it ruin what is otherwise a fantastic relationship.

It sounds like you're pretty happy, good for you ~
What's behind your jealousies, insecurites and your inablility to talk about your inner feelings? How have you resolved those issues?
What has he done to resolve his past issues with his wife so that he doesn't repeat the problems with you?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I just have never felt worthy of a man's love and attention so in the past have always ended a relationship before it had chance to get going. Hence stopping the hurt I was sure I would feel before it even happened. I now realise I am worthy (still have the occasional bad day though) and that even though we may row, it doesnt mean things are over between us. Im also talking more to a good friend and him as well when im feeling troubled. I dont feel like my problems are pointless anymore and just talking about them makes me rationalize them and how im feeling. Reading this site has made me realise that I can't assume he will act in the same way I would in a certain situation so I can't blame him if he behaves differently to what im expecting. Im giving him a chance to explain before I jump down his throat. Im applying the same control to friends and family as well. I dont now think is everyone is out to get me.
He realised he and his wife got into a vicious circle. He would come home from work and play on the computer or chat to friends in one room and she would be in her dressing gown smoking in the other room. They never did anything together as a family with the children, they didnt have romantic nights together and he wouldnt pay her compliments. They didnt talk about their feelings or spend quality time together and hence she ended up feeling unloved and had an affair forcing him to see his part in the situation and realising it wasnt all her fault. He is able to compliment me and we make the most of our time alone AND with the children. I also encourage him to talk to me and vice versa.
So far, it seems to be working and long may it do so. I realise to be loved I have to take the risk and give love out.
It's understandable that if you felt unworthy you wouldn't feel comfortable sharing deep feelings, and if your insecurity was based in feeling that the guy would end the relationship because you weren't worthy of him that follows too (but only if that's the reason for your insecurity). But feelings of jealousy don't fit. What's behind the jealousy feelings? And what's behind the unworthiness feelings?
It sounds like his previous marriage was a victim of neglect. Staying attentive and active in the relationship is the way to keep from a repeat performance, for sure!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
The jealousy feelings come into play because everytime I see him talk to a woman, even if its one of my friends or one of his mate's wife, I can't help thinking how much nicer they are than me and how he would probably prefer to be with them. I don't feel pretty enough and always feel like everyone else is much better looking than me. Have had random people call me ugly in the past which had made me feel very unattractive though I have come to realise they were the ones with the problem and not me. I also can't help feeling that he would rather be with his ex wife even though she cheated on him and ive been jealous that they talk quite a bit with regards to the kids. Yet its silly as this shows what a great man he is and I wouldnt want someone who couldnt be nice to the mother of his children. Guess im jealous of their history together. But these feelings are easing and im getting better.
I guess I have never liked myself much as a person hence the fact I feel so unworthy of such a great man's love.
I wasn't specifically talking about your jealousy towards him, but your jealousy as a whole; in your first post you said you've always been a jealous person, I assume that means long before him. Has it always been because you've felt people would rather be with others? I guess to me, it seems like that would be an unnatural thought process/feeling; if you feel unworthy then feel others would rather be with someone else, your reaction would be much more inclined to feel sad, small, insignificant, inferior, or something along those lines, but jealousy is more along the lines of anger, and that's a strong feeling, not an unworthy, less-of-a-person feeling.
What's behind your feeling of less worthy/less desired as a person? Were you cheated on? What have you done to find and resolve the root of your "never felt good about myself" issue? Anyway, I guess the bottom line is it's great that you're feeling better, but I think until you get to the root of your problems and resolve them, you're not going to resolve the issues that are there as a result. I assume you're getting some therapy to get to those issues and get rid of them, right?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"