I feel like I have too much to loose....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
I feel like I have too much to loose....
9
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 11:17am
I've never posted here before, but I have been reading some of the posts for a week now. My marriage is a fake. But how can I just pick up and leave. Him and I are married now. I feel like he tricked me into it tho. He was saying all of these sweet things that I never heard from him before in the 3 years we have been together. He even got the apartment for us (cause weren't living together due to being evicted from our last apartment) and all of the stuff in it. I just recently found out that he slept with another girl while we weren't living together. But he justified it as "atleast I didn't do it when we were married" And I actually felt like I lost my fight with him. Like if I couldn't be angry with him. Cause he also said that I never would have known if he woudln't have told me. Right again. I just feel like I have alot to loose if I pick up and leave. We have a son together, he just adores his dad. And I also am preg again with a girl. I know what it is like to live in a family that is seperated!!! It's hell!!!!! And I know it will be hell for my kids. Cuase of the way he is. I don't know what to do??
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 11:34am

Just WHY did he tell you that he'd slept with someone? And cheating is cheating. Being married or not doesn't make it NOT cheating...

Right now you are very hormonal (been pg a few times so I SOOO understand) and you just had a big shock to your system. I suggest that you find a counselor to talk to. It will help. I don't think you should be making any major decisions until this has had time to settle more.

I don't know if he told you to rub your face in it or because it's his sick way of letting go of guilt..... Does he think he was wrong at all? Or is it really okay for him since you two weren't married?

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 11:48am
He said cause he felt guilty. He said he was sorry but that was it. And I was noticing somthing wierd about him for awhile. He would take alot of anger out on me and stuff. Yeah you are probably right. I am hormonal. I can't go to a councelor. He won't let me. I tried before. That's why I have resulted to these message boards. It may not be the same, but it's all i have right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 4:41pm

He felt guily and told you, how nice, but instead of 'owning' what he did - he justified himself -

"But he justified it as "at least I didn't do it when we were married" And I actually felt like I lost my fight with him. Like if I couldn't be angry with him. Cause he also said that I never would have known if he woudln't have told me. Right again."

Regardless of when he did it and if he told you are not, the fact remains that he CHEATED and BETRAYED you.

Do you work and/or have health insurance? If you have health insurance you don't have to have his permission to go to counseling. Heck, get your current OB/GYN doctor to give you a referral to counseling. "See honey, I have to go, doctor's orders!" Also if you have your own transportation, look into free counseling through a local woman's shelter. Call 1-800-977-SAFE not because you need to go to a shelter, but because they could give you a number in your area so you can get together with a good support group.

But I think your relationship is worse that you see it - he's isolating you. He doesn't want you to go to counseling because he doesn't want you to have a support system.

Here's some reading material to consider, not sure how much good they will do, but...

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum

Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse -- Gregory L. Jantz

The Courage to be a Single Mother by Sheila Ellison

Why Is It Always About You? Saving Yourself from the Narcissists in Your Life by Sandy Hotchkiss

My best to you.




Edited 4/26/2006 4:42 pm ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 5:24pm

What do you mean by he won't let you? What "reasons" does he give you?

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 10:06pm

Sweetie, there's a lot more to this than you've mentioned; I've read some of your other posts on iVillage. The fact that he won't "let you" go to counseling is a huge indicator of something you already know and are having a hard time dealing with right now. Your husband is abusive and controlling. You might consider posting about his telling you he cheated on you on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board, I think if you do you'll find that this isn't such an unusual thing for an abuser to disclose. By telling you he's hurting you, it's another way for him to inflict pain. I know you feel that you'll loose a lot if you pick up and leave, but think about what you'll be gaining. You'll no longer have to deal with being treated like dirt, called names, hit or emotionally hurt. You'll no longer have to ask to go places and you'll no longer be refused. You wont' be under his thumb, under his control.


I know you said you feel like he's an authority figure (not here, on another board); that's not surprising or unusual. I don't know how old he is, but I know you're 23. That means you've been with him since you were 20, legally an adult but still very much a child. You were more used to being told what to do (parents) than making your own choices and because of that, transferring over to a guy who continued a parental type role seemed normal, natural and right. But it's not. In healthy relationships both partners are equals, both are respected and the wants and needs of both are equally considered. You wouldn't be refused, you wouldn't have to ask. You're not a child who needs an authority figure anymore. You're an adult who should be making her own decisions and having an equal say in your relationship.


I understand what you mean about your child loving his father and how hard it would be on him for the two of you to leave. You're right, your son would miss his father and would be upset that he no longer lives with you, I know, my son was quite upset when I left his verbally and emotionally abusive father. But you know what? Your son is also being hurt by what he sees and hears, the name calling, the fights, refusing to take you where you want to go, not coming home all night. Your son is growing up in an abusive, dysfunctional home. What you'll find is that for the first few days of leaving your son will be very upset. After that, what you'll see is just how much he was being affected by the tension and anger in your home. You'll see a child that's more relaxed and happy than you've ever seen him be -- and I'm betting you think he's completely relaxed and happy now, I know that's what I thought. I was completely stunned at the huge difference in my kids, I had no idea they were being affected, but the affect was very clear once they'd had a few days to realize there was no need to be tense anymore. The house became the happy kind of house you picture it being. Your husband won't be there, but he didn't add to your happy picture anyway. There's another very important thing to consider. Not only is your son being very affected by the environment as I've described, he's also learning how men and women *should* be. He sees his home as normal, as what a mom and a dad should act like. In your house that means men yell at the women and hit them, they call them horrible names, they tell them where they can go and where they can't. They control them. Men do whatever they want, they stay out all night, they play ball with their friends, whatever they choose. But women do what men say they can do. Your son is learning how to treat women and if he continues to grow up with his father, when he's about eight or nine he'll start treating you just like his dad does, he'll disrespect you, call you names, refuse to do what you tell him to do. He's learning it from dad every day. He may be young, but believe it, it starts from birth. When your daughter's born she'll begin learning the same things, what women accept, what's *normal* for women and what men do. She'll grow up to look for a man just like her dad. She'll only know how to deal with that kind of relationship because that's the only one she trained for by watching you. Even if she hates what happens in your home, she'll repeat it. That's what the cycle of abuse is -- the repeat of the next generation.


I know you're not ready to leave yet. Stay on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board and keep reading the articles and information on the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage . If things get bad, call the abuse line you've called before and get there help in getting out now. Remember that you can always get help from your doctor too. When you go for your pregnancy check ups, all you have to do is tell the staff there that you are being abused and they will help you from there. I mention this because I know he refuses to take you where you ask him to and I am assuming he allows you to go to your prenatal check ups. If you don't have another way out the door, that can be a way out.


The truth is, any way you look at this, in leaving you have much more to gain that you have to lose and so do your children.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 9:46am

Elm,

After having read the Cl's post then I am going to amend what I said earlier and say that it has nothing to do with you being hormonal. Being hit is so totally and completely wrong on so many levels. (((Hugs))). I don't know if your parents are around but if they are, can you talk to them?

You ARE worth something. You ARE smart. You ARE good enough. When you are ready I hope you take your children and leave his sorry butt. I know you don't want to be separated, I know marriage is important.... Do you really want your daughter being treated like this when she's your age? Do you want your son slapping his sister and then his wife around? But I know you can't leave until you are ready. Just know that we will be here for you.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 11:43am
I guess everything that you ladies have been saying makes sense. Why is it that I still feel like I can't leave?? Does that mean I want to stay where I am at? Let my kids suffer? Does that make me a bad mother?? Is that the answer to everything then.....leaving?? I really don't have my parents because they said that since I got married I just have to deal with what comes with it. That it will all get better. It's always hard in the first year. Stuff like that. I think my mom is pretty sick of me crying to her all the time about stuff. And to tell you the truth, she realy doesn't know that much. Just surface things. I just thinking here......
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 4:23pm

VERY few abusers ever change. And that's if they really, really want to change. And even then, very, very few change. This has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the 1st year of marriage being hard. The first year you adjust to living together and working together but then the REAL stress comes. It's the 2nd year and every year after that gets hard as people get more and more comfortable with each other and stop doing the little things they did at first.

The first and most important thing is for you and your children to be safe. And since he's hitting you, you aren't safe. MY opinion is that you should tell your mother that he hits you. If she still tells you that you need to deal with it on your own, leave her alone and don't deal with her anymore. Her reality would be warped. If your parents won't help then when you go to the dr next, talk to him and make sure you have a few things for you and your son with you. Leave and be safe. If your H wants you back AT ALL, make it conditional upon COMPLETION of counseling with a certified abuse counselor. And if you find that you don't want to go back anyway, don't.

Your safety and your children are MORE IMPORTANT than a marriage. And I'm not saying that lightly. I'm one of those people who really thinks that a marriage is a forever thing and divorce is an evil necessity. I think divorce should only be used as an EXTREME last resort, UNLESS there is abuse or affairs. In those cases I think a divorce is totally justified. And you can ask the women here, I rarely advocate leaving a marriage.

And no, it doesn't make you a bad mother. Don't ever think you are a bad mother. You love your son and you will treasure your daughter just as much. It just makes you human. It's HARD to make changes. Making changes is the sign of deep strength and faith. And sometimes it takes a bit before you feel you can do that. But it does NOT make you bad.

Please, please, please tell your mom that your husband hits you and calls you horrid names. Let her know more than the surface stuff.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 3:07am

What Jen said is true. This doesn't make you a bad mother, it's a hard situation and one you didn't expect or want. It takes time to come to grips with the reality of it all. Jen's also right about very few abusers changing. Statistics show that only 1% of abusers ever change -- and that's including the abusers who attend intensive focused abuse therapy. In other words, sweetie, the chance of your guy changing is zero. What is almost certain to happen is for the abuse to get worse; as it almost always does. I'm sure you've seen that happen already, he didn't start out being like this, it's grown over time and it's much worse now than it was when he started doing it. I'm certain he's telling you it's your fault, like the example you gave on the DV board that he became angry because the house wasn't spotless. If only you'd cleaned the house he wouldn't have become angry. This is ridiculous and I think deep down you know that. The truth is you can't perform to his expectations because if the house had been spotless he'd have found another reason to be angry. It's not about what you do or don't do, it's about him wanting to have something to attack you about and believe me, no matter how perfect you are, he'll find something. I remember with my abusive ex, trying to figure out which was the right way to answer him to keep him from getting angry. No matter what I chose, it was wrong, and the truth is, there was no right answer, no matter what I would have chosen he would have become angry because it wasn't about my answer, it was about finding a reason to attack me.


I agree with Jen that you should tell your mother exactly what's going on, but if she's not as supportive as she should be that doesn't mean it's not bad or that it's not abuse. Sometimes people we look to for support don't turn out to be what they should be. Especially, the older generation can tend to look at abuse differently than is acceptable. They often don't see verbal and emotional abuse as abuse. If you're not being hit a lot, they might not think it's "that bad". My own mother wasn't much support to me. Granted, I didn't tell her until after I'd left, but even then she made excuses for my ex, felt sorry for him, which is more than she extended to me, and made a point of continuing to let him know that he was welcome to her. It hurts when you're not supported, and it hurts when your abuser is supported and gains sympathy from those who you'd expect to be a support and help to you. I'm telling you this so that if that happens to you you'll know you're not alone and you're not wrong. It just means you need to turn to others for support, not your mother.


Keep reading the posts on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board, clear back into the archives. There's a lot of insight, knowledge, support and inspiration there. Post when you want to, need the support or have questions and read the information on the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage . The more knowledge you have, the more you understand, the better able you'll be to make good decisions for yourself and for your children. Understanding your situation will help you, not hurt you. Know that even if you feel like it, you are not alone. The members on the Domestic Abuse board are incredibly helpful and supportive. I have known them to go to extraordinary lengths to help those in need, far beyond the board. If you can read the books, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft
and

"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans , that would be good. It may be difficult to get and/or difficult to have in your home. In my area, the library has both these books and an online checkout process that allows you to request books and have them mailed to you for free. That might be a resource for you if you have no other way to get them.


I know this isn't how you wanted things to be, I remember full well feeling the same way. But, like it or not, this is how things are and this is what you have to deal with. You can struggle, like I did, and keep trying to make it right, keep trying to "help" him change, but you'll find like I did that years later (17 years for me) nothing's changed at all. Sure, there were some better times and there were some worse times, but all in all, nothing changed, it didn't get better, it continued to happen. And years after I left, he was still exactly the same person he'd been while we were together; only now it was his girlfriend who was taking the anger and abuse, not me. Abusers don't change. Huge hugs, Elm, I know this isn't what you wanted to hear at all, but filling you full of fairy tales of how it might get better if you only tried harder wouldn't help you at all, it would only confuse you more and make you feel like he was right, that this really is all your fault. Quite the opposite is true, none of this is your fault.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"