I finally said NO for 2 dates.It's over!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
I finally said NO for 2 dates.It's over!
42
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 6:00pm

Well, because of my many frustrated and angered friends reactions lately, I finally see how "Normal" people react to what I have been dealing with for all of these years.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 9:06pm
*sigh* And so the cycle continues.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 9:22pm
myrinalyn - I haven't read your other posts so I don't know anything about this new guy, but I hope you continue to work on yourself and heal.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 2:00am

Great start Myrinalyn!


Now you just need to end all contact with him, so that you don't have to put yourself in the position to say no or yes, and distance yourself from him, get back with your domestic abuse counselor, lurk and/or post on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board and read, read, read the Domestic Abuse Board’s Homepage .


You've taken the first step, take that next step now!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 2:13am

Almost forgot to list Myrinalyn's previous posts:you can find her previous posts here:


Ultimatum has been given/Should I have?
Should I move out?
~Hi All~ Still here have made progress
I moved out, he dumped me it hurts :(
Myrinalyn here~Everyone here was right..
Alone now for 2 wks/things are better :)
How do I say goodbye?


These are listed from first to last.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 1:23pm

It is really over!

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 3:04pm

I am very glad to hear of the progress you have made. However, as an extra precaution, I think it's crucial to your well-being and your ability to make more progress that you take every possible step to BLOCK him from calling or emailing you.

I think if you are unwilling to do so, it shows you are still in denial and that you still have hope that he will change, etc. If that's the case, it is what it is...but admitting it is a whole lot healthier than being in denial.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 9:28pm

I agree with Northwestwanderer. You need to take steps to keep contact from happening. The way you're wording this sounds like it's "over" because he's not calling, not because you've drawn a line and said, "no more". There's a big difference.


A few things you need to recognize, Myrinalyn. You chose the last four guys you were in relationships with and they were all abusive. That doesn't mean all men are abusive, it means either you're missing something very important in a guy's personality that indicates upcoming abuse, your tendencies are such that you attract abusive men because you're an "easy target", or there are traits that abusive men have that you are attracted to (without realizing it indicates abuse). This is why I've urged you to stay out of any relationship until you've completed counseling with an abuse counselor. By completed, I mean the counselor says you don't need to see him or her any more. This guy you're with now is so great and so sweet and treats you so good. Didn't the guys in your last four relationships start out wonderful, nice and sweet too? Almost without fail, abusive relationships do start out wonderful, if they started out abusive, no woman would stay! They hook you in with sweet and nice, that's how it starts. Another thing is, even if your last relationship had been healthy, it's important to take a good span of time to be with yourself without another relationship. Every relationship changes you somewhat and you need to take the time to get to know you, the person you've become as a result of your last relationship. You've spent no time with yourself, getting to know you, learning your strengths, etc. It's not a healthy way to start, it indicates unhealthy tendencies and doesn't bode well for the relationship.


I could be wrong, but I get the feeling that you think because you're no longer in an abusive relationship you no longer need to see an abuse counselor. Not so. You desperately need to learn a great deal about why you chose what you chose, why you stayed, etc. By learning those things you will grow and will not make those choices again, you'll be a stronger, smarter, healthier person. Just because the man who abused you is no longer in the scene doesn't mean you're better, you're not. You just don't have daily reminders that you had before. Working through your problems and your issues ensures it won't happen again. Without that work you're very vulnerable and in great danger to have it repeat, as it's already repeated so many times in your life. Please learn from your past and take a different route this time. Take a route that is healthy for you.


  • Distance from the new guy until you are capable of making a good choice.
  • Counseling with your domestic abuse counselor - no other will do.
  • Post and/or lurk on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board and read through the Domestic Abuse Board’s Homepage


    Without taking those steps you're not out of abuse, you're just taking a short breather between abusive episodes. How many more times will it have to replay in your life before you see that?







  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 07-23-2002
    Tue, 11-22-2005 - 4:39pm

    Sorry that I didn't respond sooner.

    ~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

    Avatar for northwestwanderer
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Tue, 11-22-2005 - 5:08pm

    That's good to hear about him not contacting you...but why not take the extra step and block him just in case?

    Sheri

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Tue, 11-22-2005 - 11:54pm

    Myrinalyn it still sounds like you have taken no steps to assure that he cannot contact you, and if that's the case it also sounds like if he chooses to contact you he will and you'll be back to your old confusion. That's not over, that's simply him choosing not to contact you, and it would indicate that whatever he says goes; you're not making choices of your own.


    Seeing someone for five days four years ago does not make him a good choice. You still have a proven pattern of choosing abusive men, none of whom were abusive in the beginning. You believed just as strongly that your other boyfriends weren't going to be abusive too. You have no idea whether this guy will be abusive or not, you can't read the signs and you haven't healed yourself to be able to choose appropriate, healthy relationships. The responses you gave other posts pretty clearly showed your thoughts on relationships was not healthy or appropriate. As always, and as you should, you'll do as you choose with your life. I just see you stepping blindly back into the fire and putting yourself back into the same position you've put yourself in for the last decade and more.

    "~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~"
    ~Learn to be healthy so you can live happy~
    ~Learn how to live so you can be happy to live~







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"

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