I finally said NO for 2 dates.It's over!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
I finally said NO for 2 dates.It's over!
42
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 6:00pm

Well, because of my many frustrated and angered friends reactions lately, I finally see how "Normal" people react to what I have been dealing with for all of these years.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 11:34am
Here are two exerpts from two letters he has written me this morning.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-24-2005 - 3:30am

I can't tell you from reading excerpts of notes whether he's abusive or sincere Myrinalyn. But I'd think you'd be well aware by this time in your life of your past patterns and the fact that you've chosen abusive men over and over again. I'd also think you'd be well aware that each time you believed the man you were choosing was "a good one this time". I'd think you'd be aware that your judgment in these matters is not what it should be (otherwise you wouldn't have continued to choose the type you did). If I were you I'd be alarmed and concerned that I'd made that choice just once, knowing I'd done it multiple times would be deeply alarming to me. There are other patterns as well. You know that you have a hard time accepting that the treatment is abuse, even when it's physical. You have a hard time not believing it's your fault. You have a hard time not believing you can make it change. You have a hard time walking away. And once you've admitted it is abuse, and even when you've sought appropriate help, the minute the relationship is over you've ended seeking help and treatment, as though once you're out of the situation you're "cured" and healthy, ready to go forward and have healthy relationships. These are patterns that have been repeated over and over. Another indicator that you're not healthy and not ready for a new relationship is that you've repeated one more pattern -- jumping from one guy to the next. You've spent zero time dealing with yourself. This isn't a move a healthy person could make and expect that their new relationship would be appropriate, healthy and long lasting. Yet you, who have serious problems and issues and make dangerous decisions for yourself make choices that a healthy person would not make. One more thing to consider is that you are not a healthy person, you've been seriously confused and damaged by your dysfunctional, inappropriate relationships you've lived in for over ten years now. A healthy, appropriate man would not choose someone who was dysfunctional. This in itself indicates your partner is not what he should be. As has been said in your threads before, you aren't able to make a healthy choice right now and a healthy man would not choose someone who is unhealthy.


As far as any new guy goes, I can tell you that proclamations of love and an excess of feelings should be viewed as a serious warning flag. Relationships take time to build, and I'm not talking about sex. Proclaiming undying love and asserting that another person "gives you life" would have me looking for an escape hatch quick. Considering that you need time to get to know each other (having known each other as friends or in the past doesn't count, this is a whole new realm) before love can be real, those kinds of statements early indicate a needy, inappropriate person who makes poor choices for themselves, evident by their proclamations that come far before it's possible for them to be made based in knowledge.


And if you're the one making those kinds of proclamations you should be just as alerted that your behavior is dangerously inappropriate and unhealthy. Stop and think, you were madly, deeply in love with the other guys in the beginning as well. You thought you knew them too, but you found out they weren't what they'd seemed in the beginning. Although, you always really believed the change in them was you -- your fault, not them, didn't you? You never did see that the sweetness in the beginning was simply what they have to do to suck you in. Really, here you are again insisting guy #5 is NOT like the other 4, is sweet and wonderful....just like you thought the last 4 were. The saying goes, "If we don't look at history and learn from it we're doomed to repeat it." You've refused to take honest looks back and have continued to repeat the same destructive pattern over and over. You are not learning from your history. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is crazy. Take some steps to heal yourself, to learn about yourself and the abuse you continue to choose with an abuse counselor so that you can stop repeating the same life you've had for the last decade plus.


I'm glad that you're happy right now, and I'm thrilled that you're no longer in an actively abusive situation. But I'd like your happiness and your non-abused status to be life long rather than temporary.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 11:45am

I realize that I may be jumping the gun a little bit, but I really am taking it slow.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 12:09pm
I wish you the best of luck, Myrinalyn!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 2:08pm

I am glad you are happy. But PLEASE, please, please, please...do some reading about what constitutes a healthy relationship. Jumping into things so quickly (even without sex) is NOT a sign of someone who is emotionally healthy. Take your time in getting to know this man as a potential partner...there are so many things that his being so "in love" with you after such a short time could be signs of. Just because he doesn't have the same issues and behaviors as your exes doesn't mean that he's healthy! He may just have a different set of issues.

Real love takes TIME to build. Don't let the rose colored glasses of infatuation blind you to that fact.

DATE this man...don't "relationship" him right off the bat. Don't spend all your time together; you need to build and keep a life of your own separate from him to get and stay healthy.

Those are some of the things I'm afraid your current counselor is not discussing with you. Is she?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 4:22pm

Here is a letter today from my EX and now I feel strange.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 5:07pm
If you had blocked his email or simply hit DELETE like you have been admonished to do so many times, he could not continue to mind #$%& you this way.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 5:31pm
I know that many here may question my sincere efforts on getting help on this message board, but I really am.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 7:41pm

Both are typical...both you being a glutton for punishment by not blocking his emails (continuing to willingly play the victim role), and him putting responsibility on you and not taking any on himself are consistent with patterns of abusive relationships.

You say you want to learn from your mistakes. WHAT lessons could you POSSIBLY learn from him emailing you??????????? That statement floors me.

BLOCK HIM.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 10:28pm

Myrinalyn, if you want to know what we're going to say about why he does what he does, all you need to do is read over the zillions of responses you've received to your posts, we've said it all before. But sweetie, you have pretty much refused to heed our thoughts and warnings time after time. In this thread you're insisting that your therapist is correct and is handling things appropriately and that she has diagnosed him as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Funny thing is, here again, just like always, he continues to act just like an abuser. You posted for thoughts, then insist we're wrong and that your therapist is showing you the way, which is fine. But Myrinalyn, if you're therapist is correct and we are totally wrong, then by all means, call your therapist about his note. Why would you ask people whose thoughts and opinions you don't agree with? And if you think we're right, then see an abuse therapist and frequent the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board and Domestic Abuse Board’s Homepage . But running back and forth from one source who feels one way to another who feels something completely different makes no sense and doesn't help you at all.


You know what we think, you've heard it a million times before. If you don't agree that's absolutely fine, it's your life, your choice, your decision. But if you feel your therapist is right and we are wrong, talk to her about his letter and your confused feelings, discussing this with someone you believe and trust is the only thing that makes sense.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:




Edited 11/29/2005 12:20 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"