I finally said NO for 2 dates.It's over!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
I finally said NO for 2 dates.It's over!
42
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 6:00pm

Well, because of my many frustrated and angered friends reactions lately, I finally see how "Normal" people react to what I have been dealing with for all of these years.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 12:36pm
I am sure that I am very frustrating.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 1:27pm

You are selling yourself short if you are trading contact for a loan payment. He's got you right where he wants you.... he is using anything (loan, calling, etc) as a way to get to you, continue to control and manipulate you, and you allow it because you see yourself as the victim (as you said) meaning you have to subject yourself to this role in order to have your loan paid. If you don't want to be a victim, STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. Stop playing into his hand. Be responsible for your loan. End contact with him. Don't allow him to manipulate you.

In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing With Manipulative People by George K. Simon

The Destructive Narcissistic Pattern by Nina W. Brown
Review: This is an excellent book which thoroughly addresses the signs of symptoms of the narcissistic personality. For years I used to think, "If I could only find the right words, I could explain to my husband how much his behavior is hurting me and others."

Why Is It Always About You? Saving Yourself from the Narcissists in Your Life by Sandy Hotchkiss
Review: This was a very timely book for me. I have been dealing with two Narcissistic people for quite a few years and I just was getting frustrated with trying to figure out the roller coaster ride that I seemed to be on weekly--envy, resentment, praise, anger all came into play. The book helped me to sort this out and in a way that I am now working on applying the straight forward strategies.

Narcissism: Denial of the True Self, Alexander Lowen


Carrie

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 2:51pm

Well, then take steps NOW to stop being a victim...because by not being too "mean", you are doing EXACTLY that.

Get your parents' help with the loan, if need be, so that you don't need him to be paying on that with or for you. Explain to them WHY you need to cut him out of your life completely...don't hide the reason. It's not your fault that he is an abuser.

The next time he calls, tell him firmly and in no uncertain terms that if he calls you again, you will file charges against him for harrassment. Don't apologize or be wishy-wishy, just state it matter of factly and then hang up, don't wait for his response. And then DO it if he calls once more. If he's about to become a policeman, the LAST thing he wants on his record is something like that. If filing charges isn't enough, then take the next step and get a restraining order.

You DO have control, you're just continuing to play the victim and not TAKING control.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 5:54pm

He now thinks its the guy across the street when I lived next to him.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 6:18pm

::but he takes over the conversation and I can barely get a word in edge wise.

I would have hung up on him. I still highly recommend the book, 'In Sheep's Clothing.'


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 6:18pm

You are giving your Ex way too much power or else you've watched too much TV to even think he (a rookie policeman) won't be under probation when he first becomes a cop. If you would tell him to stop calling you or you'll file harrassment charges and actually follow through with it then he would have that on his record. He'd have to tread lightly and you would actually be in "control". How about that idea? - you - actually in control. In order to act on filing a harrassment charge you'd actually have to make a effort to "AVOID" all contact with him.

Unfortunately you did co-sign for a loan for him (I can't remember what it was for), and yes they can go after you if the primary signer doesn't pay - but does he really want to screw up his credit? You will just have to take that chance if you truly want to stop being the victim and start acting grown up. Sorry for sounding so harsh but just reading even these past few posts - everyone is telling you the same thing over & over again. #1 Stop all contact with him. #2 - Get yourself healthy first before getting into another full time relationship.

Good Luck.

hello
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 11:54am

I hope a lot of you hearing this will at least smile that I am actually doing what many of you have said.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 12:14pm
Forward progress is good. Don't put off deleting them for too long...JMO


Carrie

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 12:56pm

Ok...no more excuses, Myrinalyn!!! Of course you could "help" it, you CHOSE not to.

Take responsibility for your actions, woman. Stop playing the victim!

So, what steps are you taking NOW to stop him from contacting you again (and he will, don't even think that he won't)?

Did you re-block him from emailing you after you read his email?

You say he called you 4 times last night. Was that on your home phone or your cell phone? If it was your home phone, call your phone company and get call rejection and block him. If it was your cell phone, you'll probably have to change your number as most cell providers don't offer a block feature. That would be a good symbolic thing to do anyway (changing your number=new start).

And we've already given you suggestions for handling his calls at work.

You have made some progress, good for you. But I see the same underlying "victim" attitude in this post, so that's something you need to watch out for.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 3:46pm

He has sent me a text message today asking me if I read his email which I did read.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~