I give up. Too many issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2011
I give up. Too many issues
7
Thu, 06-16-2011 - 6:59pm
My husband and I have been living together for 4 years now and got married last october. I have had depression issues since we've met and he knew that. I've had my ups and downs. Let me get to the point- my dh has a drinking problem which has also fed into my depression. Friday nights consisted of me sitting at home while he is out until 3 am. And when I voice my opinion he'll apologize and things will be good then slowly go back to how it was. I'm a nurse and work three 12 hr shifts per week while he works 6 days a week. Because of this he expects me to do ALL the household chores which I'm fine with but with my depression sometimes I sleep most of the day and some things don't get done.

The past month he was in the hospital for a week which was very stressful. A week after he was discharged he went out for a few hours that turned into him getting wasted. I told him to come home and that he was just in the hospital etc. Well he ended up wrecking his brand new Acura and got a DUI. All of this caused me to basically have a depression breakdown. I've been off work and seeing a therapist and psychiatrist.

My husband since that accident has not drank and actually got the DUI dropped which was a big relief. But I'm still very depressed and I think he starting to get very frustrated. He makes comments that I'm off work and the house should be spotless, laundry done and dinner made. And I try I really do. I've tried in the past- make a nice dinner but he wouldn't come home because he would go the bar after work instead. So I feel like why even bother. He makes comments that all I wear is sweatpants and no makeup. But I don't go anywhere so why should I. His comments push me into a deeper depression and ive told him but he doesn't get it. He's a very motivated person and is up early to get things done.

I had a picture of what our marriage would be like and it's no where near what I imagined. We have good jobs, a nice home, money isn't an issue so why do I feel like I'm being let down?

Everything I do isn't right according to him. He yelled at me the other day because I dont empty the canister in the vacuum cleaner after each use. I don't fold his laundry right. When comes home from work he zones out infront of the tv. Even though he is next to me, I feel very much alone. I'm by myself a lot and when I get upset that he doesn't want spend time wife me on one of his days off he says I should make some more friends. Somehow it's always my fault.

I just feel like I'm alone and lost. I'm used to not talking much. I wish our marraige was like my parents who have been married 37 years. They have a very strong relationship. With my dh it's usually his way or no way and he is smarter than me because he makes more $$ than I do.

I don't want to give up so soon but I feel like he is a major cause of my worsening depression. And my depression is the major cause of his frustration with me. I suggested we go to counseling together and he refused. I don't know what to do anymore. He is great provider and is very outgoing where as I'm very introverted. I'm just afraid we r doomed. He told me the other day he will never let me be a house wife because I basically suck at it. Nice huh? Maybe if I got some appreciation I would be more motivated to fold your boxers or clean up your hair shavings out of the sink. Seriously?


There are many more details to the whole story but I don't want it to be too long. I just need some advice. I'm at my ropes end. We are in a vicious cycle
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Fri, 06-17-2011 - 2:35am

Welcome to the board, Jrp0424 ~

I'm sorry you're dealing with all this, but I'm glad you're working with a therapist and a psychiatrist.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 06-17-2011 - 11:53am

He obviously has no basic understand of depression--and sounds like he doesn't want to understand either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2011
Fri, 06-17-2011 - 4:56pm
Here's the answers to the question: yes I knew he had a drinking problem before we got married. There were a few instances he got into drunken bar fights and what not. He's not an alcoholic that has to drink everyday but the type that after a few drinks, he can't stop. When we lived together in an apartment there were times he complained but not like now. We now own a 2500 square foot home and it's almost too big for me to keep up with. When I do dress up he will say I look nice but we hardly go anywhere special and I've always been a Tshirt and jeans kinda girl and he knew that before. My theory is why get dressed up if we are just going to lay around and tv at night? On his day off he might sweep or mop the kitchen floor because it's not to 'his' standards and that when he sees that the vacuum canister is full. And he'll say "we don't need a new vacuum, we just need someone who knows how to use it." I'm not sure why he won't go to counseling. He has gone before as a requirement due to some trouble he got into the past and he doesn't thinks it helps. Or maybe he thinks by going, it's like we are admitting we need help. He is a very confident, sometimes to the point of being cocky type of person. My parents like him. They too think he has a very strong personality and remind me to not be a pushover. But they get along well with him and know that I'm taken care of.

Just last night we had an argument and he said that everything he does is to make me happy and it's always about me and that he is now going to start doing what he wants. He told me he bought this house because I llike it and he hates it and he "physically gets sick to his stomach" when he walks to the front door because he hates it so much. He said my parents spoiled me and that's why I'm lazy. He knows I'm depressed but I'm also lazy too and dont put forth any effort in this marriage. Now I feel even worse.
We did hire a cleaning lady once but we both felt uneasy having a stranger in our home.

But after our argument I slept in the guest bedroom. I don't even want to look at him knowing that he hates this home, our life, so much. He said he can't even bring friends over because it's not presentable. I have no clue what he us talking about! I think the house is usually clean and picked up. That's why I'm so confused because I don't understand why he is coming up with the fact that I'm such a slob. He leaves more stuff lying around and I have to clean up after him.

He gets mad when he wants to go out and I want to stay home. For one, my depression makes me want to isolate myself. Two, most of his friends I don't like. And three, when we do go out I can't 100% enjoy myself because I'm always wTching out for him making sure he's not getting out of control with his drinking.

It has just become a mess. I have trouble seeing his point if view and he can't understand mine.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 06-17-2011 - 11:13pm

There are definitely severe problems in this relationship, yet he doesn't want to go to counseling--what does he suggest?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2011
Fri, 06-17-2011 - 11:52pm
Update: he came and apologized for the things he said last night. He said he is very stressed and our house is all we have and it should look nice. Well it's easy to apologize but you can never take your words back. You can't put toothpaste back in the bottle once it's out. I'll just give him another month or so and he'll be at it again. I chose to marry him so I guess I have to learn to deal with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Sat, 06-18-2011 - 3:46am

Sweetie, you don't have to have a drink every day to be an alcoholic, not at all.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2008
Sun, 07-10-2011 - 2:07am

I have some of the same issues that you have in ur marriage in my marriage. I have been married for 4 years and in our first year of marriage I got pregnant twice. Long story short we had three kids in one year and a boatload of stress has been added to our lives since. Anyway my husband is a perfectionist and I find it hard to keep him happy because he is never satisfied. One thing that has helped us is group counseling at