I had past affair/he never knew/now?
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I had past affair/he never knew/now?
| Sun, 06-05-2005 - 11:42am |
5 years ago I had an affair. Three to four months long. Ended ok with both of knowing it was very wrong. Horrible guilt still. Never told hubby, he never had a clue or didn't lead on he knew. The guy was a wonderful kisser. Hubby is not. Yes I know we sacrifice certain things in marriage. I have tried to teach him kissing, but he is NOT a kisser. I know... petty. He is giving, wonderful father, husband, other than the kissing a wonderful gentle lover. I will never have another affair. It was the most horrible feeling I could explain. Yes, I deserve it, I know. Need not to beat me up I do plenty of that. Now I am completely unattracted to my husband. I struggle to make love to him. Once there, it is good but SO difficult to get to that point. I completely love and (yes) respect him. He is the ultimate guy. He has gained allot of weight. His stomach is big. He does computer stuff for a living and makes a good one. He works out but arms only, why is it so hard to do a sit-up??? I am a workaholic and show horses. It is physical and I am in pretty good shape. He rarely comes out to the barn, flat out told me he hates to ride. We have three beautiful kids. 8, 9 and 14. I am selfish, demanding and very hard worker. I put myself thru university/college double major w/ child. I quit smoking after ten years, I am driven. Obsessive w/ neatness and very organized. Not sure I can be helped but if you have any ideas I'd love it? I am not going to leave him but how can I be a better wife, lover and mother?????

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It sounds to me like you're still beating yourself up about that affair, you have every reason to want to be satisfied in your attraction to your husband, but rather than looking for a solution to that, you seem to focus on making yourself be happy with it as it is, and be better wife, lover and mother. Who says you're not great at all those things already? I can see where his not being a good kisser would cause some difficulty, but I'm guessing that you'd been kissed before you kissed your husband and knew that he didn't measure up to others long before your affair, right? As far as his less-than-adequate shape goes, I'm certain you'd be just as dissatisfied whether you'd had an affair or not. He's let himself go and you aren't attracted to him this way, it's as simple as that.
Being dissatisfied/turned off by your husband's appearance isn't all that uncommon to the board, it pops up from time to time, and you're not wrong or awful to be dissatisfied. (Here's the link to the last post on the subject: Overweight Spouse/Partner , hopefully it will help) It sounds like maybe you've made some attempts to get him into better shape by suggesting horseback riding, but he's made it clear he's not interested. Are there other things the two of you could do together, walking, joining a local gym, swimming, tennis, anything? Having been a horse owner, I know caring for horses is a lot of time and work. You said he never comes down to the barn, what would happen if you asked him to come down? I'm thinking you wouldn't have to ask him to pitch in, you could say that you don't get as much time with him as you'd like and suggest he come down to the barn with you every day just to have more time to talk. I'm betting once there he'd chip in and would end up doing a lot of physical work.
Obviously, if he's in better shape and more physically attractive you're going to be more inclined to be agreeable to his advances, be more relaxed and responsive and enjoy sex more. Not only that, but if he's in better shape he'll probably be able to be a better lover as well. In other words, I don't think this is about you brainwashing yourself into believing you're turned on by how he looks or learning to make his looks not matter (don't think that's possible), I think it's about finding a resolution that involves him and some change on his part.
I don't think there's any good way to tell him that you're turned off by the way he looks, and I think if you don't have to say it you shouldn't, but it's most likely that you won't get through to him unless you do, and if that's the case, then I think you should. You could tell him you're concerned about his health and want him to get more fit, that you miss the way he used to look and wish he'd get it back, or that you want to do more together and see getting more fit as a way of accomplishing two positives in one, or anything else you can come up with, but if none of them work, I say it's time to sit him down and as gently as possible tell him he's let himself go to the point that you're turned off by his appearance. If you have to do that, expect him to be hurt and I'd say expect him to need a day or so to let it settle in before he's ready to talk about it. Whatever you have to do, I don't think just ignoring the situation is the right way to go. You'll continue to be more and more repulsed by his appearance, and it will certainly affect the way you interact with him in and out of bed, it'll affect your entire relationship and not in a good way. I'm also betting he would care if he knew you were turned off by him -- he wants to be attractive to you. It's easy to let yourself go and wind up letting go to a point that's farther than you'd realized, that may be where he is.
For what it's worth, the affair has been over and done with for five years, it's no longer a part of who you are; way past time to forgive yourself, let it go and leave it behind. I completely support you keeping it from him, to tell him would be a huge mistake, would only cause pain and hurt where none needs to be; nothing good would come of making it known. I think though, that if it were easy to forgive yourself for you'd have done that long ago. That being the case, I strongly urge you to see a therapist or counselor to help you work through the guilt you feel so you can leave it behind and move on with your life. Like you said, you realized it was a mistake and put an end to it. You did the right thing and you deserve to be free of it.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
Respectfully but strongly disagree Myrinalyn.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I am sure that you are giving good advise.
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
You said, "I guess, a person should have the best intentions in mind before expressing the truth. You are correct, if the motive is wrong and only to relieve guilt then that is dead wrong." I don't think the motive for telling your partner would be to relieve guilt, but that would be what the end result is, the confessor would feel a lessor burden while the person who heard the confession would have a heavy load to bear. It's not the intent but it is the result. If it can do them no good, what's the point of telling it? On the outside, it does seem like the right thing to do, but on thinking it through it isn't so great to hurt someone else for no reason. There was a time not so many years ago that being completely open and honest about everything was touted as the thing to do, most therapists and counselors are quick to say what I've said here, that if telling does nothing but put unnecessary pain and burden on the receiver, contrary to popular belief, it is not a good thing to do. I used to think the same way you do, but recognized that this type of honestly is not as "right" and virtuous as I'd thought in talking about it with my therapist friends. The intent of the confessor is not the decider, it's what benefit the knowledge holds for the receiver.
I'm hoping the OP does what she says she plans to do, which is the same thing you're doing -- seeking appropriate, professional counseling/therapy.
FYI - Not trying to brainwash you into believing "my way", just wanted to give you a little feedback on the subject.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I'm glad I could help you, I'm sure something like that doesn't leave you too many people to talk about it with, which leaves an awful burden for you to carry all these years. I'm glad you're going to get some professional help in letting go of your past, you don't deserve to let it continue to eat you up. We all make mistakes, some worse than others, you recognized and corrected yours, that says a lot about you.
I don't know how much time you and your husband spend together, but I'd think besides the exercise benefits of mucking out stalls and stacking and carrying hay bales around you'll talk, get closer and that will benefit your relationship too.
Wishing you the best ~ you deserve it.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Just to let you know, my DH and I talked once about if I ever had an affair, would he want to know about it. (I haven't, just was curious the different views on it.) He said that if it was over and I was committed to it never happening again, he didn't ever want to know. I think most men would think that way. And most women would want to know... So, I agree with the cl-, since it's long gone and done, don't ever tell him. Just keep like you are now and stay committed to it never happening again.
Jen
I agree. When considering confessing past wrongs, people have to consider what will be gained by the confession - what is the motivation.
In this case, you are right - the affair was a long time ago and the only thing that will happen in the OP unloading her guilt. Her husband and the relationship will not bennefit.
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