I HAVE A HUGE PROBLEM

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
I HAVE A HUGE PROBLEM
13
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 9:40am

so yesterday my husband and I got into a fight. I don't even rememeber what it was about...o yea. It was my fault. He wanted to dance and I didn't feel like it so he got really upset and made me sit on the couch next to him. He turned off the tv and radio. There we were just sitting there in silence. Then he started asking why I never want to dance with him and why am I so lazy...all this stuff. He was pretty much just running his mouth so I stayed quite I didn't want to make him really upset... upset enough to hit me. Then he said something and I did the wrong thing and just shrugged my shoulders and rolled my eyes so he pounded my head... I'm not going to lie but it hurt. He did that three times. I tried my best to not cry and then we the conversation went on. He was still on the whole dancing thing. He says I dance with any other guy but him.

Honestly though the last time I really danced was when I was 15 for my quiceanera. Once I turned 15 I started working and never went out. I worked every weekend. I said that my jobs weren't about dancing (he use to choreograph for quinceaneras, Mexican sweet 16's) I didn't get to do what I liked when I worked. but yea... so he said I was lying but he very well knows I wasn't. The conversation ended up with me saying that he was a ungrateful son because anytime he feels as if his mom is doing something he doesn't like he has to mention that all the money he made choreographing dances he gave to her and all the money after that went to help her...blah blah blah... He uses the fact that he's helped her to make her feel guilty when she does something he doesn't approve of. I also helped my mom. that was the whole point of me starting work at 15. I saved up 1500 twice when I was 15 and 17 and both times I gave it to my mom (I was saving it for a car) with no question about it. I also gave her a money for food and I always bought my siblings whatever I could. I never throw it in my moms face.

Anyways, I said what I said and he got really REALLY MAD he stood up and grabbed my hair, dragged me by my hair to the other side of the room, and I tried my best to keep him from smaking me but he decided to choke me instead... he's done it before but this time I almost passed out... my arm went numb and I felt like everything around me was going in slow motion. All i could see was him while everything else was going black but then he started ease his grip... I guess I must of started turning blue... My eyes were so watery and I was breathing realy weird but all I could do was laugh about it. I was really laughing at myself for still being in this situation. I told him he could of killed me and what would he have done if he eased his grip a little too late... he said he wouldn't be able to live with himself that he'd go crazy. He recieved orders yesterday, we're going to Norfolk, VA. for 4 1/2 yrs. I was supposed to stay home because he was getting orders to Japan... but now it's Norfolk for a while. I can't stay with him if this is going to keep happening. I've asked him before to get counseling but he wont. He doesn't like telling people about our relationship problems. I don't know what to do. I asked him again to get counseling I even asked him just to talk to someone about whatever it is that's making him become this violent. Just to talk about it maybe that will help. I don't know what's going to happen but I was really scared that time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 11:23pm
What kind of counseling do you mean? Is he going to specific treatment for domestic abusers? Are you going to a domestic violence counselor?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 9:23am
I don't really know... i know that he's going for his anger issues but I don't know what it's called. He wont get started until after he's home from deployment. They have a lot of counseling here. But I really don't know since he'll be in a different base.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 12:32am
Some important facts you need to be aware of, Mamiflaquita:


The kind of counseling they offer after returning from deployment is debriefing, how to re-adjust to life at home and how to re-adjust to a relationship with their wives. This is not what he needs and it will not change or help your situation at all. The only kind of counseling that will address the problem is domestic abuse counseling. Anger management counseling or therapy won't help because he doesn't have an anger management problem, he has an abuse problem. "Regular" counseling won't help because he needs a therapist/counselor who is trained and specializes in dealing with abusive men. Anything other than abuse therapy or counseling will not be addressing the problem and therefore will not change a thing.


How long are you going to be separated from him? I would strongly urge you to see an abuse counselor yourself, it's very important and there's much you need to learn there. You can get abuse counseling for free by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233 I would also urge you to read the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage , it's filled with articles and information that is important for you to know. You should also be on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board. Hopefully, you'll want to post there, but even just reading the posts, clear back into the archives there's a lot of knowledge and understanding for you.

I get the impression that you're no stranger to abuse, I get the feeling that you grew up watching abuse, is that right?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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