I just really need help :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
I just really need help :(
2
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 8:20am

Iv never done anything like this before but right now i feel i have to. I really need opinions/help/advice/anything on a problem that i have right now. Please help! Im 20 years old and have been with my bf (now ex) for over 2 years (he's 21). We were soul mates, everyone around us said we were compatible and meant to be. Its important to note he's in the RAF and so his weekdays are committed to this. We only saw eachother on weekends so he didn't have much time to see friends. He recently turned 21 and started viewing life ina different way, he said he wanted to make the most of everyday and go out and do things that he's never done before so he doesn't look back on his life and regret things. A few weeks ago he came over and things weren't right, he seemed distant and i asked whether he was ok. He said that he felt really confused (he stressed how confused he was!) and at this time in his life he wanted to be by himself. Rather annoyingly, he said he loved me and he couldn't imagine himself being with anyone else. He also said that he wanted to stay friends! Im so confused because in my heart i feel as though he's going to come back in the near future and i cant seem to move on. I love him so much (how typical) and we have something so special. Iv been really strong about it though, i told him that i loved him and i'd always love him and haven't spoken since. I said i couldn't be his friend as he's always been more than that to me. He's been asking my mates about me, and saying he doesn't want me to find some1 else. Im giving him space which is the best thing. Id like to think this break as a test for our love, if he loves me he'll come back and we'll be stronger for it.

I'd really like people's opinions on this because i dont know what to think. I just want him back in my arms :(

Thank you so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 12:32pm

Ah Panthera, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it's hard and incredibly hurtful. Much as I'm sure you don't want to hear this, it's also an absolutely typical scenario for relationships at this stage of your life. The culprit, most likely, is maturation -- change that naturally occurs as you move forward in your life. What starts out as a relationship with someone who's absolutely perfect for you in every way ends up being less than a good fit because you've changed some and so have they. Look at it this way: the guy who was perfect for you at 15 wasn't even close to right for you at 18. Probably not because of anything he did, but because as time went along you both changed a bit and it just wasn't right any more. The same is true in your late teens and early 20's; your brain doesn't stop developing until your mid-20's, at least. It's especially hard when one of the couple still feels the relationship is a great fit; that partner is not at all in agreement with the other in thinking moving away from the relationship is necessary. The truth is though, that if one of you doesn't feel the relationship is right, it isn't right. You may feel he's perfect for you, and he may be very close, but the fact that he doesn't want to continue says he's not the right one - the person who's right will want to remain with you. The fit has to be right for both of you in order to be the right one, you know?


He may have said he wants time alone, that he loves you and can't imagine being with anyone else, but the fact that he also said he wants to remain friends says something very different. I think you know that. You don't "stay friends" with someone you want to cotinue a relationship with, you stay in a relationship with them. He's making a definite turn. You're right in what you said to him about being friends. Being "friends" at this point is impossible, like you said, you don't have "friend" feelings for him. Trying to be friends would only hurt you more and keep you stuck in that hurtful place, it would keep you from moving on. Keeping out of contact is exactly the right thing to do. There may be a time that you're able to be friends with him, but that'll be far down the road, after you've healed from this relationship and no longer have any feelings for him. That can't be pushed or forced, it'll come when it's time; you'll know when you're there.


The other thing is his continued interest in you, asking friends about you and indicating that he doesn't want you to date others. Sorry, but that's not the way it goes. He has a choice, he can want to be fully in the relationship or he can want to end it, but he can't choose to step out of the relationship and expect you to sit on a shelf in case he might want to come back. The choice he made may have been hard for him too, but when he chose to step back, he released you too. I hope your friends are telling him nothing more than "What she's doing is not your concern, stop asking, we're not telling you anything." Something along those lines is the only appropriate response. Fact is, he had the choice to simply suggest spending more time apart on weekends but remaining a couple, but that's not what he wanted, he wanted to be "friends".


I know this is a really hard time for you, you didn't want the relationship to end, you miss him, you want him and the relationship back. You're hurting and stunned at what he's done; you're probably a little numb and a lot raw. Moving forward doesn't seem possible and you certainly aren't motivated to do it. But, just moving will translate into moving forward, even if moving (doing things) is the last thing you want to do. You need to push yourself to do what you don't want to do; instead of staying in and doing nothing, getting out of your house and doing things is what you need to do. Yeah, I know how awful that sounds. Enlist the help of your friends to get you out and keep you occupied for a while. Going through the motions of doing things (even if you don't want to) will give your brain something different to process and will help get your thinking changed from focusing on him and the pain you feel. Eventually, doing things will actually become something you want to do again and that time frame will be sped up incredibly by forcing it now. Forcing yourself to get out will make you feel better faster. Of course, it's important that the things you go out to do and the places you go to aren't places that your ex will be; you need to avoid contact with him.

I know you're hoping that he'll come back. If he doesn't, sitting around waiting for him isn't going to help you, it'll prolong your pain and end up being a colossal waste of your time and life. Taking steps to get through this time in a healthy way (getting out, moving forward) will assure that you're doing what you need to do for you. If you end up back together, great, taking steps to move forward won't have done anything to hurt that.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I know knowing we've all been through it doesn't make it feel any better.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2006
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 7:36am
Dear panthera,
I'm new to this board, just started lurking last night, but i read your post and thought i would offer you this...
I've been in a very similar situation. The break-up came out of nowhere, thought we were soulmates and would be forever. He had joined the canadian military in his case, but anyway...he thought he was being unfair to me as it turns out and in his heart did believe we belonged together and would end up back together, married w/kids and all...and to make sure he set me up with his good guy friend he knew could never make a relationship last.
Well...here comes the warning part....the new guy turned out to be wonderful, treated me every bit as good and fell madly in love with me.
By the time my ex came back for me it was too late...we've have some crazy mixed up moments, but it's all been too late.
So talk to your ex, make sure he understands that sometimes life doesn't stand still just so he can have some fun. he could be ruining his life even more than he's hurting yours. He could truly be making the biggest mistake of his life!
...and believe me, you don't want to spend your life wondering if it had been meant to be.
Best of luck!