I know my BF is cheating
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| Wed, 12-21-2005 - 7:14pm |
I'm broken hearted. I just found out my BF cheated on me last week while he was away on a business trip.
He was forwarding an eamil to a friend and, I guess, inadvertantly forwarded it to me too.
It doesn't have many details just some minor chatter and "I can't wait to tell you about my adventures in "X". All I can say for now is...Ohhhhhh "woman's name".
We have been together over a year. I never, ever would have suspected him of cheating.
I sent him an email as he is out of town again and with the time difference I doubt his phone is on. I needed to respond immediately. I told him how hurt and disappointed I am. I'm sure I said all the usual things a person says in this situation.
I am numb. In shock.
And as crazy as this may seem, I find myself wondering if the relationship is slavagable?
I just can't believe that our entire relationship was a sham!

I can understand wanting to respond right away but IMO, you have given him WAY too much time to come up with a story or some such. I personally owuld have waited until I could have talked with him face to face before I brought up that I knew.
It's also quite possible that he didn't inadvertantly send it to you too. He may have done it on purpose so you would dump him and he could get out of the relationship.
Whether or not it's salvagable will all depend on if you both want to salvage it. And then he will have to take some definite steps to earn back your trust. If he travels a lot then it may very well be next to impossible to earn it back.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I wish I knew of something to say to make it better.
Jen
How awful for you, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I agree with Jen, I would have said nothing until he got home. Considering the time he has to figure out a "plausible" story, I'd have no faith in anything he has to say, unless it's a complete admission of guilt.
This is very new to you, the dust hasn't settled and you're far from reaching full realization about how you feel about this yet and at this point you're probably feeling pretty vulnerable. A relationship that you thought was strong and sturdy has proven to be shaky and weak. Right now you're likely trying to find a way for things to be the way they were, it's a little scary to go from feeling stable in a relationship to thinking of yourself as being on your own. You may find in the next few days or so your thoughts on the relationship being salvageable may change quite a bit. You're shocked, hurt, confused at this point, that may be replaced with anger, rage and indignation -- or something else entirely. Give yourself some time to sit with this, for the realization to sink in and for you to get a better feel over time for how you feel about this. Do you have a standard "stand" on cheating? Do you generally feel it's something that's workable or has infidelity been something you've considered a dealbreaker? You'll probably need to put some thought into that as well, going against your beliefs won't make you feel very good about yourself. Do you have a friend or friends whose opinions you respect and whom you can count on to be there fore you and be honest with you? If so, sharing your problem with them would be very good for you. If not, or if you want/need more than what they can offer, keep posting here, we're here for you. Please at let us know how you're doing though, okay?
I have to tell you straight up, Snagglepuss, the fact that your boyfriend would brag about it to a friend isn't a good sign. If he were upset about what he'd done, that would be one thing, but bragging about and wanting to share his escapades isn't good.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
Edited 12/22/2005 10:02 pm ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thank you to you and jen.
He called me at 1:30am, my time, but my phone was off. He left me a message saying that he had no idea what I was talking about. (ha!) He acted so confused and concerned. He sent me an email saying the same thing.
I resonded later with "Whos' X?" and included a copy of the email I received. (X = woman's name) Well, of course he had what he felt was a plausible explanation. "X" was an over zealous stripper who made him very uncomfortable. (Um yeah) His boss took him to the club under much protest on my BF's part. But I know the relationship he has with his boss. He wouldn't have forced the issue if my BF protested.
"X" was fully clothed and there was no touching or kissing going on. Though she did sit on his lap. A fully clothed stripper? What the heck kind of strip club is it? And she sat on his lap and did nothing? Didn't touch him? He had his hands in his pockets?
Ans since when does embarrassed equal "Ohhhhhh X"?
My BF tried to play it off as a "funny" experience (how comical that he was so embarrased). So why didn't he share this funny experience with me when he got home last week? I have never behaved jealously and he would have no idea how I feel about strip clubs as it never came up before.
Some people may say that going to a strip club is no big deal. I think this only part of the story.
But even if it is true I don't approve of strip clubs for married or seriously involved men. I don't have a problem with viewing porn as it isn't "real". But anything that involves a "live body" is not acceptable to me.
2ndlife, Yes cheating on any level is a deal breaker for me. Something I have never accepted. I know I'll go through a miriad of feelinge th next few days.
I still haven't made a decision about what to do.
Wow, he reached farther than I thought he would.
Not only do I agree with you about what type of strip club he "must have" gone to, but I agree his boss never would have made him. Opens him up WAY to big to a harrassment lawsuit. And then I would be amazed that in his embarrassed state he managed to 1)remember the name on the stripper than sat fully clothed on his lap while your boyfriend sat shocked, with his hands in his pockets (and I don't think they sit on laps without incentive though I have to say I know NOTHING about strip club etiquette) and 2)that after this embarrassing, yet comical, experience, a week after, he would email his buddy all about it. Just SOUNDS like an experience that one guy would tell another about.
"Hey Bob, Let me tell you how my boss dragged me to this strip club even though I soooo didn't want to go...." -- yup, guy sharing material there.
Hon, you got fed a line of bull larger than I've seen in awhile. Your bf went very willingly to a strip club (if a strip club even came into it at all.) And if there was a lap dance, I REALLY doubt his boss paid for it and I REALLY REALLY doubt your bf just sat there. Don't swallow his bull. But this tells you exactly what he thinks about it. If he can sucker you into buying it, then all the better. You never need to know the truth and you shouldn't have known this time. How often does he travel? Cause I doubt this is the first time. And does he know what you think of strip clubs? Did he know before?
Jen
Thank you jen.
I was supposed to see him today when he got home and we were supposed to talk, but he just cancelled saying he couldn't sleep at all on the flight as he's just so upset about all of this. He just needs to get some sleep. He'll call me tomorrow.
I agree with you. This IS the biggest line of BS ever. I'm hurt for so many reasons. It's insulting as well. How stupid does he think I am?
He travels alot. So yeah, this would be tough.
Whoa hang on here -- Let me get this straight. Are you saying this incident happened a week ago, that he's been back since and that this email to his friend that he accidently sent you was done a week after the fact????
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Jen's right, at the least the guy had a lap dance and you can bet he didn't sit passively with his hands in his pockets if he was bragging about it to a buddy. Of course, you realize that this almost certainly is not something new and just as certainly his buddies know he's been doing this while he's out of town all along. You're the only one who hasn't known.
The implication is pretty strong that this is something he feels is okay for him to do, otherwise he wouldn't be doing it and he certainly wouldn't be bragging to friends about it. If that's the case, talks about what you believe is appropriate vs. what he believes is appropriate is probably worthless. He may feed you whatever he thinks is going to get him off the hook, but his actions pretty clearly say what he believes. The questions are, can you accept a relationship in which this occurs? What could make you think it's not happening when he goes away in the future (I can't imagine what he could do or say that would leave you feeling sure of his actions while he's out of town or out of your sight)? Can you accept a relationship with someone who you know can and will do this and keep you completely in the dark in the process?
A few things to remember about your meeting tomorrow:
For tomorrow and beyond tomorrow, take care of yourself. I know it's the holidays and that makes it harder, more complicated. But when we've been hurt it's easy to stop taking care of yourself when in fact what you need the most is to be at your healthiest. By neglecting yourself you'll only get run down, less able to think clearly. That'll confuse and muddle things even more and make this harder to get through, if you can imagine. Get as much sleep as you can (not 24 hours a day, however :)), eat even if you don't feel like it, be good to yourself, do things you like, treat yourself. Ice cream, good movies, a massage, whatever it is that is special and good to you, do it. You deserve to treat yourself and be pampered. It may sound silly, but it really makes a difference.
An article that might be good for you right now:
The 5 Stages of Grief
While your situation may not fit what we typically think of when we think of grief, you are most certainly feeling the loss of what you thought you had and no matter what the issue is, grief is grief.
Let us know how the talk goes tomorrow. I wish you luck, calm, strength and a healthy sense of self worth.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thank you so very much. I'm familiar with the 5 stages of grief. My Mom and Dad passed away with in a few months of each other a couple of years ago. Funny, but it does apply here.
I hadn't thought about the time that elapsed as having any consequence, but now I do. It makes sense.
And yes, he's very good at avoiding. He's done it before when we had an important issue to deal with. But I am going to insist on talking tomorrow as I don't want this lingering over the holidays. I don't plan on making a decsion tomorrow (though it may be inevitable) but I would be more comfortable having talked.
However, I truly think he's upset. Not because of my feelings, but because he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He knows how pissed I am and I guess he sees his own personal Armageddon coming. He's scared witless.
Thank you so much again. I'm taking your advice to heart. It means so much to me!
Please accept my condolences on the loss of your parents. Having lost my own father several years ago I know how very difficult it is, I can't imagine losing both in a short time span. That had to be incredibly hard for you.
I'm not surprised that you think he's upset about being caught rather than about how this affects you, if he were concerned about your feelings I'd think he'd be in a hurry to discuss it and address your feelings.
You know, it isn't so much that what he did is wrong (assuming what he did is a lap dance) as it is that his beliefs on what is appropriate and yours don't match. The fact that he's done this without your knowledge strongly indicates he knows you won't approve and therefore does it behind your back, which obviously creates a whole 'nother set of issues. The secrecy and deceit leaves you wondering what else he's done, what else he does and how can you begin to trust or believe anything he tells you on the subject. I can see him saying something like, "Hey, I don't think it's a big deal and I didn't think you would either", but if that's the case why would he keep it secret and why would he act like he didn't know what you were talking about when you emailed him.
Let us know how things go.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"