I love him, but need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2006
I love him, but need advice
4
Sat, 03-04-2006 - 7:05pm
I'm so confused. My boyfriend & have been together now for a little over a year. We live together & fight all the time. I still love him very much, but the constant fighting is killing me. Last night he was outside having a fire w/ a buddy & I saw him smoking. Not a major deal (we both just quit), but he lied to me about it & tried hiding it from me. I'm 27 years old, I don't want to play games w/ him. He wants to go out drinking every weekend & I'm past that stage in life. I want to spend time w/ him and friends without always drinking! When I saw him last night I confronted him & of course got into a big fight. I left this morning for work and we still weren't talking. I called him & asked him to think about wether or not he really wants to be w/ me. He started arguing w/ me again & I got mad & he hung up. Then he takes the phone off the hook, so I can't call back. Finally I just sent him an email telling him exactly how I feel & my questions about where he is going in life. I'm afraid of the answer. I love him so much & I'm not sure that I'm ready to go anywhere. I so wish that I'd never moved in w/ him!!!! Any advice after all my blabbling would be appreciated!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 03-05-2006 - 2:18am

Srder, I don't think that you're going to like what I'm going to say. But I will say it with the best of intentions.

It seems to me that you are in a different stage of your life to him. However, as you've only been together for a year I'm wondering whether you've suddenly changed - or perhaps you weren't compatible in the first place and you're only realising it now.

The fact is this: you want to spend quality time with him but he wants to spend time with his mates. Neither of you is right or wrong....and neither of you has the right to try and convert the other to your way of thinking. Compromise may be possible, but only if both of you are willing to back down a little on your stances.

What does concern me is the fighting between you. And you "confronting" him. What are you confronting him about? I'm assuming that you're angry that he doesn't want to spend quality with you? Sweetie, it's not your place to get angry with him for being him. Instead you should look realistically at who he is right now and decide whether or not he's for you.

Also, do you realise that he's most likely perceiving your "confrontation" as an attack - and he's getting into defense mode. Hence the arguements.

Him lying about his smoking? Perhaps he thought you'd be angry at him and thought that lying was an easier way out. The reason most people lie is to avoid getting in trouble ;-)

You say that you love him so much. However, I suspect that in reality you love "who he could be if he did things your way" or perhaps you love "who he used to be". But either way, your actions don't concur with loving him for who he is now.

Srder please don't think I'm being harsh at you because I do understand how you feel. I also like a man who prefers to spend quality time with me instead of drinking with his mates. But not all guys want this way of life. Through years of dating, I've discovered that it's much wiser to find a man who already has a suitable lifestyle instead of trying to 'fix' a man who isn't quite right.




Edited 3/5/2006 2:32 am ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 03-05-2006 - 6:12am
If you don't want to play games with him, it's up to you to walk off the field. He has a way of life that works for him right now, and he obviously doesn't want to change it, while you are ready to move on to something more stable and substantial. Obviously, living together isn't working for you, and the only way to fix that is to move out. You will probably break up, but then you'll be free to find a relationship with a more mature man, who wants the same things from life that you want, and he'll be free to hang with his friends without feeling that he has to be looking over his shoulder every moment.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-05-2006 - 10:33pm

I agree with the responses you've received from Aisha and Geo. I understand that you love him, but what you're finding out now is the hard truth that love isn't enough.


I know you haven't responded yet, so I'm making some assumptions on this, but I'm guessing this isn't the first time he's told you he's quitting smoking? Another question is who is it that most wants him to stop smoking, him or you? I know I don't know for sure, but I'm guessing that the reason he lied is because he knows how you'd react if he told or he knows you'll be disappointed and doesn't want to disappoint you. I'm not going to drag this out since I'm making assumptions and could be completely wrong, but my husband also tried to quit several times, I know how awful the smoke smell is and how disappointed I was when he'd start back up. But, as a previous smoker myself I also know how hard it is to quit successfully.


Geo and Aisha both suggested you were at different stages in your lives. I'm going to toss out another possibility that I think is important to consider: this may be who he is, period. Some people never "grow out" of the stage he's in, this may well be who he continues to be for the rest of his life. Either way, it's clear you aren't right for each other now and staying together isn't going to make either of you happy.


One more point that I know you're going to hate. You say you don't want to play games, but fighting over the phone, hanging up, calling back, etc. is playing games and you were as involved as he was in the whole thing. It's just something I think you ought to recognize.


There's an article in our Information and Resources section that applies to your situation:


Unmatched ambitions


A book that would be good for you is "Are You the One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis The title sounds corny, I know, but it's a very smart book that helps you see what characteristics, qualities and traits are important to you, what qualifies as partner material and what can only be considered "date only, not serious". It's a very good book.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Sun, 03-05-2006 - 10:46pm
Yep, what the others said. You guys are in totally different places and who knows whether you'll ever be in the same place. You so wishing you hadn't moved in says there's no doubt it's time to move out. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's the way it is.