I made a mistake - need advice (long)
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| Mon, 02-14-2005 - 2:23pm |
Hi...I am new to the village and need some advice from people who don't know me and can look at my situation objectively. I am 34 years old and have been married for over 10 years. I met my H when I was 18 and he was 17 and we never looked back. We married in 1994 and things were wonderful until the last few months. Two days before New Years Eve I finally forced myself to ask my H whether or not he was still happy. I could tell he was 'different'. His answer was no and in my heart I knew that was what he would say. We had a long conversation that night and into the wee hours of the morning. We talked over our issues without yelling or screaming...although there were lots of tears. He told me he wasn't "in love" with me anymore although he does love me (??). He also couldn't tell me what made him change the way he felt about me. I also questioned my feelings for him although I know I haven't fallen out of love with him... fell out of love with myself maybe but not him. I could tell I was losing him but also didn't do anything about it...we both stopped trying, took everything for granted, and the result is that we drifted apart. I asked if I should move out but at that point we decided to stay put and work on things together. I know he needs time to work on himself and so do I because I seemed to have lost my identity somewhere along the way. There is one more thing that has caused additional pain on our separation.
Over two years ago I made a HUGE mistake, I kissed one of my guy friends in an extremely drunken moment...I know... STUPID... But it didn't mean anything so I chose to go on with my life, to forget it. I didn't realize how much it affected who I was and I know that I changed afterwards because of the guilt and fear. Well during the course of the last few weeks my H confided in a close friend about our other problems and this person told him about the kiss I shared with another man. My H found out on a Monday and was originally not going to say anything to me, he wanted to just forget about it but by that Wednesday he couldn't take it any more and confronted me. He asked me if I was ever tempted and I denied it until he persisted and I broke down and confessed. This obviously set us back and two weeks later I moved out to give us space and time to figure out what we want, what needs to happen to get past this, and so on. My H tells me he can forgive me for the kiss but he can't forgive me for lying to him... Obviously I've lost his trust (of course!) and his ego is bruised. He tells me he wants to try and that it changes from day to day. If he can't commit to working it out or forgive me then right now there is no sense in trying. I'm giving him space and time to work this out but it's hard and I don't know what to do to for him to forgive me so we can work this out...even if it ends in divorce at least I'll have resolution.
Anyone have any thoughts?

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I understand where your DH is coming from with the trust issue. Right now he is questioning EVERYTHING. To him, you where able to keep this secret for 2 years and the only reason it's out in the open is because you were "caught" so to speak. He's wondering what else there is that he doesn't know. He says that he wants to try, and that says volumes about the bond that you 2 share.
About the issue on New Years and "he loves you but is not in love with you" - there's a quote that my DW and I saw years ago that we both think rings true - "Marriage is what keeps 2 people together while they fall in love all over again". I don't know who said it, but what we both took out of it is that there will be high and low points to a marriage (and times when we are not "in love" with each other like we once were), but if you stick it out, you WILL be there again.
If I were you, first thing I'd do is start the process of moving back in. Talk to him about it and let him know that you don't expect things to be perfect right away. You also have to expect a certain lack of trust from him for a while. Trust is something that's earned and you can't just expect him to forget. It will come back after time, but it won't be a quick thing.
You also need to start "loving yourself" again. You said that he doesn't know when he changed the way he felt about you, but I'd be willing to bet it was pretty close to the time that you started to to not love yourself.
Jeff
I agree with Jeffkristi, I think the longer you're apart, the more likely you are to create more distance between you and remain apart. If you're (or he) is deciding whether to stay together or not, you need to be together. He's wishy-washy as to whether he wants to stay together or not, the more he's apart the more that's going to feel like the way to go. It's also going to be time away from you, time "forgetting" what it's like to have you around as his wife and partner. If it's an option, I'd urge you to move back in so you can deal with your issues rather than distance yourself from them and each other.
There's an article in our Information and Resources section that speaks about love and loving someone every day: Love Myths and I think it's pretty true. There are also a few about infidelity. Reading those might help you understand a little more fully about what your husband is feeling: Getting Over an Affair , Healing From Infidelity and Recurring Memories of Spouses Affair . They may not be exact fits, but they'll give you a little help and they may help you get on track to help this heal. Honestly? I suspect if he was able to have a somewhat objective conversation with you about this (and I don't know that he'll be able to -- not sure I'd be able to!) he'd probably agree that under the same circumstances he'd have done the same thing -- kept his mouth shut. I'm sure you've explained that you felt tremendous guilt, which is what eventually had you confessing, but that you didn't want to disclose a mistake that meant nothing and would only serve to hurt him and potentially hurt your relationship.
Like others here, I think that "falling out of love" is easier to do than to stay in love. I think that's what they're talking about when they say marriage is work. It's so easy to get focused on what seems right, responsible and necessary (work, household and the like) and see the relationship as the "frivolous" or "irresponsible" thing to be focusing on. It seems like we should take care of the "important" things, pulling the relationship off the shelf and dusting it off when the "important stuff" is done when in reality, it's that stuff that seems important that really should wait -- it never ends and what happens is the relationship, which is really the most important thing ends up sitting on the shelf until there's nothing left of it. And if you don't have a relationship, all that "important stuff" you're focusing on is pointless, isn't it? Taking care of the house when you have no relationship to live in it with? Without the relationship, your work is all for nothing! It's so easy to get in that rut of doing the same thing every day, and somehow that "same thing" never involves the relationship. That rut is easy to stay in and can be really difficult to get out of. Taking time for yourselves, both as individuals and as a couple is vitally important. Getting back into doing things together, getting back in touch with each other is difficult and can feel awkward at first. You have to keep going out, keep doing it, it gets easier and then it gets fun. Some articles that pertain to keeping your relationship alive and healthy are: Making Your Marriage an Adventure , The 7-Year Itch , How to Keep Your Relationship Strong and Steer Clear of Relationship Potholes
I can understand how his being wishy washy about wanting to work it out is hurtful and would make you want to stay away. Potentially facing the pain of being rejected up close and personal would be really difficult to consider doing, but staying away allows him not only to continue to be unsure, it makes him be more certain of being without you. I'd also strongly urge you to get yourselves an appointment to see a couples counselor/therapist to really face the issues and work on this from a position that will allow you to explore your feelings and make the best decisions for yourselves. When emotions and a neglected relationship are at play, it's hard to see what' really there and what might be done to rebuild what you once had. I sure wouldn't be willing to throw it away without seeking the help of a professional first. They can see things that you just can't see when you're clouded in the middle of all of it. If you do see a couples counselor (and I really hope you do), please be absolutely sure that the counselor/therapist you see is licensed in a field of couples therapy. Some therapists/counselors who are licensed only in individual therapy offer couples counseling as a "service", they may be well-meaning, but working in couples therapy is a specialized area and because they lack the training and licensing to work in it, they often end up doing much more damage to the very relationships they were trying to help. It's extremely important that you only work with people who are trained and licensed to work with couples. Don't be shy about asking if they're licensed/certified. If you need help finding a qualified therapist, Referrals For a Qualified Therapist and Your Therapist/Counselor's Credentials, may be helpful.
Let us know how it's going, okay?
"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I'd like to thank those of you have offered your advice. While I think it would be helpful to move back in based on your feedback I just don't see it happening. My H is very confused right now and quite frankly needs to work this out within himself. I have lots of friends and mentors that I've talked too, I've been writing in a journal, and I've posted to this site all to seek advice, answers, support, and to get it out of my head. He hasn't done anything other then disconnect from the people he's closest to and isn't seeking any answers at this point. He tells me he just wants to "be". He has told me that he misses me but isn't sure if he's missing me or the comfort of having me around. We've never been on our own and this time away, I feel, is necessary. If the outcome is that he enjoys his freedom and being on his own, and I do too then I know that we should go our separate ways. I need to give him space and I need that space for myself as well. I was messed up for a long time and now the clouds are starting to lift and it feels good. He did tell me that we owe it to ourselves to see if there is anything left to salvage, and to try and save us... but I feel we need to save ourselves first...Men, jobs, friends all come and go from our lives but you have to live with yourself forever and if you don't love yourself how can you love anyone else?
We did go out to dinner on Saturday for his birthday and while it was nice to spend time together he is definitely not ready to 100% commit to trying and I won't be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I made a mistake and am forgiving myself for it, now it is up to him to fogive me. What hurts is that he wasn't feeling the same for me before he found out and now that he knows he is becoming more and more introverted... and that is NOT in his nature. Also understand that we live in a very small town (3500+/- souls live here) and finding a licensed couples therapist will be difficult. I'm not sure where my life is going to end up at this point but I do know that I need to save myself, learn to love myself, support myself, etc. It's time to be a little selfish for both of us. And if it doesn't work out... then I move to CO to live with my sister and start over. I need to be strong for myself no matter what the outcome is at this point.
"I have lots of friends and mentors that I've talked too, I've been writing in a journal, and I've posted to this site all to seek advice, answers, support, and to get it out of my head. He hasn't done anything other then disconnect from the people he's closest to and isn't seeking any answers at this point."
I wouldn't read too much into that. Men and women process things differently. When women have a problem, they tend to gather as many people as they can around them to "commiserate" and to help them thru it. Men, on the other hand, usually try to "solve" a problem, and when it's a situation such as this where there is no true right or wrong answer, they look into themselves more. At most, they will talk to one or two people about it. But since there isn't an "answer" to be given, even those one or two usually don't know how to respond.
It sounds to me as if there is something there to e salvaged (tho only you and he know that for sure).
Jeff
I think you are being very wise in your way of approaching this. I have always, ALWAYS been a huge fan of soul searching. My guess is you're trying to live by "I'm right where I'm supposed to be." Right now, anyway. Having faith in the unknown shows the courage you have in trusting that motto. I know how tough marriage is and maybe that's why I've avoided it like the plague. In fact, after I divorced the first time after an incredibly horrible marriage...and I was 21, at that, I was single until I was almost 30. Married after having run into someone I went to high school with. Our courtship was about three weeks! Another mistake and this one lasted only a little longer than the first one did. Having said that....sometimes you don't know what you want, but you know for certain what you DON'T want...and with at least that knowledge, you're better able to make the tough decisions and know that they're right.
It's so rare that someone posts and there's no bitterness towards the spouse and further, you have a sincere desire to let him come full circle with all of this (as well as yourself). I'd say your circle of friends and family who give you support have served you well. Keep your faith (and your support circle of friends and family), trust your gut and worse case scenario....hit the local grocery store for Blue Bell's Milk Chocolate ice cream - it's the cure all of just about everything!
Not trying to make light of this....I know how difficult these days must be for you, sometimes a lighter perspective can help you to remember to breathe deep!!
It's likely a town your size doesn't have a licensed therapist/counselor in it, and if it does s/he may not be the person you'd want to go to any way. It just means you need to travel a bit to get the help you need, and certainly getting help in making decisions on whether or not to continue your marriage is important enough to warrant traveling to do. Living in a town that size, I imagine you're used to traveling to larger towns/cities for many things. I lived in a town with a population of around 12,000 and travelled 30 minutes away to another town to see my therapist. Not that there weren't therapists in my town, but my therapist was great! It was commonplace to drive to a major city 1.5 hours away to do shopping and for entertainment as well.
There are many aspects to the problem and dynamics of the relationship, and relationships in general that your husband may not realize and probably isn't thinking about in trying to decide what he wants to do. Having an informed professional help guide him through the process doesn't mean he'd be pushed to work towards reuniting with you, he'd be helped to think of and explore areas he's not considered and would come to a more informed, cleaner decision. Obviously, one kiss two years ago isn't the bulk of the problem here, you had already recognized a difference in him and he admitted he wasn't "in love" with you before he knew about it. Seeing a therapist will also give you both a chance to remedy the problems you have and see that you don't wind up in this spot again -- assuming he'd choose to remain in the marriage. Especially if you're continuing to live separately, I'd ask that he see a therapist with me, and if he doesn't want to do it for himself, I'd ask if he'd go to help me deal with the situation. You guys need it.
"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I have to agree with cat5cane. Are you sure you want to throw yourself into this reconciliation whole-heartedly?
I was in a similar situation with my husband. We dated an intense year (went thru more upheaval and loss in my life than most do in a decade & it really quickened the courtship) and then I (drunk, of course) came onto his best friend, who was gay. Some may say that was a cry for help (afterall, I knew he wouldn’t want me), and my husband was intensely angry and understandably devastated. I checked myself into a hospital for a short stay (had been having blackouts, psychological issues, etc) as a sign to him (and myself) I knew I needed help. I begged him to take me back, thought I couldn't live without him, etc. Eventually we got back together and married, been together for 10 years.
And there is not a week that goes by where I wonder if I did the right thing, begging and pushing for us to get back together. Things between us aren't bad, but they are definitely not good either. Make sure you are sure this is not just a natural break in your relationship, forcing it back onto a course that it should not be on will do more harm than good.
Take some time, evaluate yourself and your life...and if its what you want to do, go for it. Just be sure its what you want to do, not something you have allowed yourself to be convinced needs to be done.
Just trying to present all sides....Sam
Great post Sam, great perspective. Thanks for sharing your story, this is an important aspect for her to think about.
"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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