I made my "boyfriend" cry
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| Tue, 05-30-2006 - 11:15am |
The other day my boyfriend and I (actually my fiancee, sounds strange) were having a pretty intense makeout session in the living room (we're in the process of buying a home, and I still live woth my parents). It was great, but then he wanted to have sex, and I didn't I just wanted to kiss him. So I told him, how come before we could do this for hours and not need me to have sex? and he said, well that was before we could...
You see, when we met, we were virgins (yep, both of us). We had a big disscusion about it several times, we just talk about how far we had taken previous relationships and stuff like that, and he always told me he never went all the way.
For some reason in the back of my mind I always felt he hadn't told me the truth; I'm just not sure why.
Then we just decided we were ready; and it was great, knowing that we had waited for each other.
Lately Ive been very stressed; I took a year of before starting college, and I'm still not sure what I want to study, I also have a daughter (ofcourse shes his), its been stressful to think Ive never worked before and its hard to get a job without expirience and you cant get expirience if you never get a job (ironic huh?). So I keep thinking, how are we going to make it with only him working, while making payments on the house and everything in it (furniture and FOOD).
I know we'll get over it someday and we'll be fine, but right know its so scary!
Getting back to my original story...
When he said that I felt like, now that he got to have sex thats all he wants to do... so does that mean the only reson he was with me was to get me to have sex sith him, and then he got me pregnant so he's stuck with me??? (yeah, by now you all probably know I read WAY too much into things)((and I realized that, I'm trying to stop, I've never smoked, but I think this is harder to quit than that))
So I look at him, tears coming down my face ((I'm also very overly dramatic)), and I told him; tell me if you really were a virgin when we met!
By now tears are coming down his face too, and he says, I already told you I was, I you don't want to believe methat fine.
Lots of other stuff came up after that, and I told him that all of those stupid thins I say arent because of him, they're other things that have me all stressed. When I was younger I was molested and it just makes me so scared that my daughter could be too, we talked about that too; he left later and everything fine, but I feel I might be doing this to push him away (why I would want to push him away is BEYOND me... I have no idea how my brain works).
I just want to know how NOT to keep doing this, I used to keep a diary by it never seemed to help, so, what can I do? (no shrinks.. remember we're trying to save money)

Is he is still intereted and involved in your relationship outside of wanting sex?
Everything I say after this point assumes that he is since you have given no indication otherwise (you only highlight concerns about yourself).
Understand that he is trying to express his love for you when he asks for sex --- that is how men do it, and having other stresses in life does not usually slow them down the way it does women...in fact it might make him want it more to want to feel loved and accepted so he can feel strong enough to handle the other stresses of life. Kissing doesn't quite get him there anymore now that sex is an option.
It seems like you have a lot of unresolved business from the past that is causing you to see his actions through a different filter than his reality. You are bringing up stuff way in the past. Why are you bringing up the virginity issue AGAIN and why does it matter so much to you at this point in the relationship....he is going to marry you and you have a child together...ask yourself no matter how he answers that question why does it matter so much to you...what changes????
One thing I am sure of is that bringing up long past issues, he thought were resolved, and dramatically crying about them will scare the heck out of him.....he will wonder what else is she harboring in the past that is going to crop up...nevermind that you are basically telling him that you think he is a liar (not what he wants to hear from the woman he wants to please and feel loved and accepted by). You may have nailed it that you are subconsciously testing him or trying to push him away.
Sorry you are against counseling cause I think that is probably exactly what you need. Getting over childhood abuse is not something that people generally just resolve, supress maybe for some time, but not resolve. What is too much money to spend to help yourself feel better and the two of you have a great and lasting relationship (for the sake of your daughter if not for yourselves). If you stop spending money on things that are less important than achieving this objective can you find a way? I think you recognize tht if it doesn't work then money may really become an acute concern anyways.
Good luck, P.
Sex is a part of a normal healthy relationship, especially a committed relationship between two people who have a child together.
Welcome to the board, Monamosha ~
I'm going to be straight with you, and I doubt you're going to like it much, but saying something that's other than what I really think wouldn't make much sense and wouldn't do you any good.
It sounds like you're very young, both of you, are you? I ask because the way each of you is approaching your relationship sounds very immature. There's nothing wrong with sounding immature if you're young, that's exactly how you should sound, because that's where you are in life right now. But if that's the case, I would first off suggest slowing down your marriage/house buying plans until you've had a chance to grow into some maturity and can be sure you're making decisions that will be right for you in your adult lives, rather than making choices that you think are what you'll want several years from now, only to find it's not. Saddled with a marriage and/or co-ownership of a house with someone you don't want to be with will not be helpful or positive for your futures. Being a stay at home mom at this stage of the game isn't a great idea either, especially if you're not married. You need to be able to support yourself and your child in case this relationship doesn't work out. I can't tell you how many women are trapped because they have no job and have no where to go, no way to support their child. Yeah, I know you're hating what I've said so far. Sorry, but it's the way it is.
As far as your fiance's reasons for being with you, Orangecuse44's response question to that was right on; is your fiance interested in your relationship in areas besides sex? I would also add that while very young men are often pretty focused on sex, a man who cares about you should not be interested in having sex if it's not what you want. Maybe I should rephrase that, it's not that they aren't interested if you're not, but despite the fact that they'd like to have sex, they don't want to have sex unless you want it too. Sex is shared between two people who care for each other, having sex with you knowing you didn't want to be having sex shouldn't be very appealing to him.
I'll take the therapy issue one step further than Orangecuse did. You say "no shrinks.. remember we're trying to save money", sorry, but you can't afford not to have therapy. Your emotional/mental health affects your relationship very much; it can destroy a good relationship and destroy you as well. It is also affecting your child whether you realize it or not. Your issues are having a direct affect on every aspect of your life and are affecting the people you most care about and most want around you, yet not getting help hurts them, you and causes damage to every relationship with them. The faster you get it the sooner you'll be healthy. That means your relationship will be healthier, your child will be healthier and you'll be able to move forward with positive, good steps, rather than with confusion, fear, pain and damage. You might think you can't afford it, I think you're already paying a huge price in not getting it.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"