I moved out, he dumped me & it hurts :(
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I moved out, he dumped me & it hurts :(
| Tue, 05-10-2005 - 5:08pm |
Even though I am depressed sad and miserable, I felt that most people here would be happy that I am finally gone.

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"Sarah" thinks you two are broken up because that's what he (your ex) told her boyfriend! It's as plain as the nose on my face. He is lying to you just to string you along Myrinalyn. He goes out with everybody else - doesn't bring you along, then comes over during the week to grill burgers and keep you cloistered in the background. If he were really good, he probably may not even try to get intimate with you to show you how much he "really" cares. AND - you say that this has been going on for 4 years. If a guy is proud to be seen with his girlfriend, he brings her along.
Myrinalyn - you shouldn't be mad at "Sarah". The issue isn't about her misinterpreting what you said - it's about your ex lying (again). How much more proof do you need? He just actually got caught red-handed by someone else who's validating your fears (that being Sarah).
Myrinalyn - you said in an earlier post that he tells you he loves you (daily), well saying I love you can also be just something someone says because it's habit. What's more important is how he treats you. His actions. Now you even have further proof of his actions by what Sarah has said.
Isn't it time you got off the rollercoaster?
Well, I have found out more information about what my bf has been doing without me knowing it.
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
I'm not going to go into it all in this response Myrinalyn, because I think if I try it'll be too much. I think taking things one subject at a time will help you get through this clearer
I don't understand how you've "caused trouble for everybody", since, unless you said or did something more than you've said here, you didn't say anything to cause trouble for Sarah or her boyfriend. I also don't understand what confidence your ex-boyfriend accuses you of betraying. Can you clear those two things up for me?
I don't at all understand why you feel that you lied to your ex-boyfriend. Myrinalyn, you don't have to report everything you do and everywhere you go to him. Not having told him that you and your friend went downtown does not make you a liar, does not make you hiding things from him, does not make you bad or wrong in any way. Are you actually trying to compare him hanging around hot tubs full of naked people, drinking, drugging and more with you and your girlfriend going downtown to check things out? While down town did you go to the kind of place he went and hang around until early morning? Unless you did something to betray your relationship while you were downtown you have nothing to feel guilty about. I'd be all over you if you'd hooked up with some guy down there, had a one-night stand with him and then were upset about your ex-boyfriend's behavior, but that's not the case. You had an innocent time doing innocent things. He didn't. It's not about you not "reporting" each and every step you took -- you're not required to do that, it's about behavior and actions. He's doing the same thing he's always done Myrinalyn and you need to see that very clearly. He's doing exactly what he wants regardless of what you want, like, approve of or expect. He believes he's entitled to do whatever he wants and he believes he's entitled to do more things than you. It's what abusers believe.
I'll keep checking back tonight to see if you explain what I don't understand. Hope you'll be back to do that.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
And yes, Myrinalyn, Maryanne's exactly right. Sarah didn't misunderstand anything. She thinks you're broken up because that's what she's been told by your boyfriend.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thank you all for caring, sharing, giving great advise and wonderful personal wisdom.
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
I'm not sure you're looking for answers, you asked a few questions, but mostly seemed to be just venting about what happened. If you're really looking for an answer as to how to break it off when he calls without giving Sarah away, that's easy. You owe him nothing, no explanation and he's done plenty that you should have had your fill of that you don't owe him an explanation. You know an explanation is not required, don't you? It's not something you have to give. I'd just tell him that you've had enough and do not want any contact with him any longer. No phone, no email, no visits, it's over, period. Then make it stick. He knows the trouble that's gone on between you -- he's been very good at pointing it all out and making it all your fault. He doesn't need an explanation and he doesn't deserve one either. Just tell him you've had enough, it's over and let it be done.
I don't know much about how you handled previous breakups, but I have to tell you it would be unusual for anyone to have the kind of trouble leaving a bad situation behind, then be able to dump all feelings and walk away without any trouble. My concern is that as much as you hate him and never want to see him again now, it won't last. In a few days, a week or so things may not seem so awful, you may find ways to excuse his behavior and you'll question whether you're doing the right thing. Can you tell me you typically have no problem walking away when these kinds of discoveries have been made? Let me know, okay? I'm concerned you'll wind up back right where you were.
I don't think you've got it quite right in thinking that guilt (from cheating, in your case) makes people abusive. As the abusive relationship goes along the abuser's sense of entitlement (doing whatever he wants) becomes stronger. If he's prone to cheating, he's going to think he can see other women whenever he wants because he's entitled to do that. Abuse increases as time goes on, as do the behaviors that go along with it. They go hand in hand because they're connected - how he feels about women, what he thinks is his right to do and that he's entitled to treat you any way he sees fit (abuse). But really, I don't care what your theory on it is, as long as you stay far away from him, that's the important thing right now. Another thing to consider as a reason for lack of sex is that when you're drinking and drugging on a frequent basis, a dramatic decrease in sex is the result. He's been going out a lot more than you've thought and the fact that he frequents a place where drugs are readily available and accepted means he has no problem with drug use; if he has no problem with drug use, he likely has no problem using them himself.
Right now you need to focus on you. Keep going to the abuse counselor and the groups. You may no longer be in an abusive relationship, but you have so very much to learn about abuse, relationships, yourself, and so much healing to do with the help of a qualified therapist so that you'll feel good about yourself and you capabilities, recognize a healthy relationship and appropriate behavior from a potential partner and be able to move forward into a relationship that is happy, healthy and doesn't include abuse. You deserve that. Reading the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board (and posting if/when you feel comfortable) and reading the articles (all of them!) on the Domestic Abuse Board’s Homepage would be very helpful to you in learning and growing. If you haven't read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft start it now.
I have to say that the fact that the fact that he abused you took a back seat to everything else disturbs me, it's like you don't think you count, that it's okay for you to be treated badly. But, whatever it takes to get you out of this is a good thing. With healing and learning in appropriate therapy (abuse therapist) you'll realize you do count and treating you badly is not something to be tolerated at all. Stay strong Myrinalyn, the only one who can make this truly be the end of this horrible merry-go-round is you, you'll have to be strong when you don't want to be, because you know it's the right thing, period. I think your girlfriend's visit comes at a perfect time. Let us know how you're doing through this, okay? Your therapy appointment is coming right up, isn't is?
Huge hugs, Myrinalyn. I know this is hard. Be strong for you.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thank you so very much for responding to me.
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
Aw, Myrinalyn, you're too sweet. I wish I had more time to "talk" tonight, but I have to go to bed! You should too, we're on opposite coasts so I know you have to get up way before I do!
I didn't want to leave tonight without at least a brief answer to your last post, I'll post more to you tomorrow; it may not be until tomorrow night, but I'll be there.
As far as having abuse groups (and therapists -- very important, the group alone isn't enough for you) in Florida, it wouldn't be any big deal to hook up with one down there. In fact, if you're serious about going, you could ask the abuse counselor or an local abuse center for referrals, names and numbers for the area you'll be moving to. Unfortunately, abuse is everywhere, so help is everywhere too.
I think giving your ex any reason for ending it is a mistake. Anything you say to him he'll argue against and do his best to change your mind. You already know the pattern, whatever you say will be "wrong", stupid, judgmental or something along those lines. Then doubt starts and you're back to being sucked in again. I'd send him one email that says it's over, you don't want anything back so dump it, give it away or whatever he wants but that you don't want him to contact you again, not by phone, email, in person or by a third party. Then block his email and his numbers from your cell and land phone. You may not be able to ignore his calls at work, but if he should call there, you know you'll recognize his voice immediately, when you hear it, simply hang up without saying a word. End of conversation. I really think that's the way to go, he's controlled you with his words for four years, don't give him the opportunity to create a shred of doubt in your mind.
I am so proud of you for telling everyone about the abuse, the details and all. That is such a smart move and you're doing it for the right reason too, to keep yourself honest and accountable to yourself. Secrecy allows abuse to continue and to grow.
Bed now, more tomorrow! Hang in there sweetie, you're going to be so much better than fine!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
I am sorry to hear about you having to go through all this drama - but I think that somewhere down the line, you'll see that this right now is probably in your best interest. What I mean by that is now you can see through a third party just how much of a liar your ex is. Not only is he not a christian man, he's exactly the opposite, engaging in antics with people that are not only breaking the law by doing drugs, but also engaging in all that sick sexual stuff. Obviously he's not even ready to start a family. I keep think that your ex behaves like a first year college student.
The best thing for you is to get away from it all, going to FLA is a great idea. Just keep reminding yourself of all the awful things he's done and how much he's lied to your face. The hardest thing will be to "NOT" miss him while your away. Maybe you and your friend will meet some really nice Florida guys to hang out with once your down there. It would be a great way to spend the summer?
Like CL said earlier - don't even speak to him on the phone. You run the risk of it getting around your office which may make you appear less than professional. Your a great person Myrinalyn - just lose this loser for good and give yourself some peace.
*** Hugs ***
Maryanne0424
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