I moved out, he dumped me & it hurts :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
I moved out, he dumped me & it hurts :(
190
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 5:08pm
Even though I am depressed sad and miserable, I felt that most people here would be happy that I am finally gone.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 4:35pm
Honey, if he calls HANG UP THE PHONE IMMEDIATELY!!! -- no exceptions.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 9:29pm

How are you doing, Myrinalyn? You haven't taken any more calls from him, have you? Why is it you seem to think you've done something wrong? I ask because you say, "I just can't seem to get it right.", what is it you think you're getting wrong?


Let us know how things are going, okay?





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert




Edited 6/10/2005 9:31 pm ET ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 12:05am

Thank you for caring.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 1:39am

Myrinalyn GET OFF EHARMONY NOW AND DO NOT GO BACK.

You are in a very fragile state and are not at all emotionally capable of choosing a healthy appropriate relationship. I can hear you saying this is just for fun, that you have no intention of dating, but Mryinalyn you and I both know the people on that site are not there to play around and meet friends, they are there for one purpose -- to find boyfriends and girlfriends. No matter what you say, visiting that site will have you finding someone very soon that seems "very nice and interesting", maybe you'll want to meet him, "just as a friend" or maybe you'll feel obligated to have a date because you'll feel you're obligated since this is a date site and to "talk" to someone without intending to date them is "leading them on" (I can just hear you saying that). In the last two weeks in one of your posts you said you realized you had jumped from one relationship to another and here you are trying to do it again. I know that you don't trust in yourself and feel you need someone to lean on, but Myrinalyn, YOU DO NOT NEED ANOTHER MAN not right now. You need to heal, you need to learn, you need to find confidence in yourself, and you do that by continuing to see the abuse counselor. No more cancelling appointments, call and see if she has any cancellations before your Friday appointment and take it if she does. Even playing around with dating is bad news and very dangerous for you. Myrinalyn, you'll wind up in another bad, abusive relationship with someone who seems so great at first but eventually turns into a horror. The fact that your last three relationships were abusive says you are attracted to those kinds of men and they in turn can see that you're just the kind of woman they want -- someone who they can control and abuse.


Do not go back to Eharmony and do not play around on any date sites or chats. Enlist your friends to help you stay man-free and be responsible for yourself and realize where you've been and what you need to do FOR YOU so that you can have the kind of life you want and need. Continuing with what you're doing will only put you back on the same path you've been on for the last 13 years. If you're not happy with abusive, controlling, manipulative, degrading relationships then do not even toy with another relationship until your therapist has said you're ready for that. You need to learn to make good choices for yourself and right now you only know how to make bad choices. Please be responsible for yourself Myrinalyn, you're still letting your ex-boyfriend walk all over you and you're looking for a new guy to do the same. Lean on friends and family and choose to be allergic to men until you've had the "cure" in therapy. Have more respect and care for youreself than to start looking for the next Mr. Goodbar. If you haven't seen the movie "Looking For Mr. Goodbar" (it's old), you need to rent it.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 11:29am

Any relationship you start right now would be a huge failure. For one, you need to keep going to abuse therapy, you've only just started. For two, you need time to heal from this relationship. I am SO glad that you are seeing your x-bf for who he really is, but there is a huge amount of drama going on between you, Sarah, her bf and your x-bf. There is no way you want to bring the drama into a new relationship. I can't even imagine you sitting at dinner on a date with a new guy and you mention how your x-bf called you at work again, screaming, and your co-workers had to help you get off the phone because you are too nice to hang up on him. Any emotionally healthy somewhat together guy would RUN from that situation. The new guy that would stand by you as this relationship ends and you gain some distance would be an abusive, manipulative, decieving type just like your x-bf.

What you need is several months of calm, no contact with x-bf, support from friends sorting-your-life-out, letting your heart and mind heal, gaining some distance and more perspective on the relationship that just ended and guidance from your abuse therapist. Only after you understand why you stayed with your x-bf for 4 wasted years, and what you would do differently next time if faced with the same type of individual, and how to spot when someone is that kind of individual, should you even consider the idea of dating again.

I know that looking online can be a way of reassuring you that there are other men out there, that you won't always be alone. That is fine. But signing up to the site is totally different and you are flirting with disaster if you email, talk or date anybody new right now.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 11:49am

My bf called me this morning and was nice, at the end of the conversation, He whispered that he still loved me.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 11:55am

Please listen to CL-2ndlife!!! You are in NO shape to be online dating (or dating of any kind) right now!!!

Unless and until you recognize the role that abuse played in your relationship and how to break that pattern, you will relive it over and over again. And you're not recognizing it completely yet--that is clear from what you just wrote about him. You need to at least complete the group program--I personally think that a good six months to a year of not dating and continuing counseling would be much better for you (I would advise a break from dating after a long relationship like yours even if abuse weren't present--everyone needs time to heal before jumping in to dating again).

Do other things for fun and to keep yourself occupied! Rely on friends and family, not dates. Online dating can be BRUTAL to your ego and self-esteem and you do NOT need that right now!

When are you seeing your individual abuse counselor again? Any chance you can see her at least once a week for the time being?

Also, I would strongly suggest that you BLOCK your ex from calling or emailing you. Call the phone company and ask them about call rejection.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 1:35pm

You may not remember, but we told you previously that police officers have a high rate of abuse, infidelity and divorce, but you wouldn't hear it. I'm glad you're hearing it now, it's true and it's very real.


So what is your intent in talking to him? What is your purpose in planning what you'll say when you see him again? You've chosen the "hearts" emoticon for your post, what are you trying to convey by choosing it?


With the Eharmony thing, are you saying the only thing that could put you in a better frame of mind was toying with the thought of another relationship? Your next appointment with your abuse counselor is Monday (June 13)?


I'm trying to understand what you're thinking, let me know, okay?





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 2:17pm

I forgot to say that it's perfectly normal to still have feelings. When someone's been a part of your life your feelings don't just stop regardless of the reason the relationship ends. Still having feelings is not an indication that your relationship is "right" or "meant to be", it just means you're normal.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert




Edited 6/11/2005 2:21 pm ET ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 1:23pm

<<< My bf called me this morning and was nice >>>>

STOP TAKING HIS CALLS Myrinalyn! You'll heal so much faster by shutting the door. And second - he's not your boyfriend so please start referring to him as your ex. It will help to heal also when you get into that mind-set.

He's only being nice so he can claim another hold onto you and get you entangled again. He doesn't love you - no matter what you says. Remember: Actions speak louder than words!

hello

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