I moved out, he dumped me & it hurts :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
I moved out, he dumped me & it hurts :(
190
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 5:08pm
Even though I am depressed sad and miserable, I felt that most people here would be happy that I am finally gone.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 8:40pm

I wish that I had known about the unhappy icon this whole time, I probably would have chosen that one over the candle.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 1:50am

I want to make sure I understand correctly, you're saying that when he made plans to see you on Sunday and again during the week it was over the phone or internet and that you didn't actually go out on those dates or actually see each other at all, is that right? If you didn't see him, good for you for not caving and agreeing to go out. It sounds like he got mad and pulled his offer, what would have happened if he'd been agreeable to talking about the relationship? Would you have gone out with him then? Had you thought about that and made a decision before you talked to him? What you did is good and it is progress for sure, but I have a feeling if he'd have said the right words you would have accepted his offer for the dates, am I right? Of course you know he's not changed, he's still the same person he was, with quite opposite morals, values, character and he's still abusive as well. None of that has changed and none of that will change. What I can promise you -- and you've been through the cycle enough to know it yourself -- is that his words and his actions will change for short periods before going back to the usual ugliness and the real person he is. You know for certain that the time will come when he'll say sweet things and try to get you to think that things really will change, be better, etc., etc., But, having been through it all a zillion times before you also know that any change you might see in him is very temporary. You know who he really is, how he really is and you know the nice guy he pretends to be from time to time is only to suck you back in. I'm saying this because I'm sure you know that at some point he'll say the right things on the phone. Will you believe them and start this hell all over again or do you know the reality is he is what you know him to be (despite what you wish he was)? What will you do? And what is to be gained by continuing to talk to him? It's doing no good, just perpetuating the drama and the trauma and keeping it in the forefront of your life so you can't do anything but continue to focus on it.


Read your last post over again, Myrinalyn. I think you'll see that the whole scene you paint, him getting angry and saying lousy things, you running to send an email before he blocks you *again*, him responding with an ugly email (where he continues to present the problem as being only you -- no abuse, no shared issued, the usual entitlement beliefs of an abusive man) you'll see it as junior high aged drama and behavior. Didn't you have enough of that when you were a child? Isn't it time to leave people that continue to use those immature, childish methods behind and move forward into the adult world?


You're moving in the right direction, but as long as you continue to allow contact with him you're going to be stuck crying and feeling like you can never get through this, or over him. The reason will be by continuing to allow contact you continue to keep him, your relationship and the issues in the forefront of your mind. How can you get passed it when you keep it up front and center? As a refresher:
LETTING GO OF HARMFUL RELATIONSHIPS

And while you're at it, it's a good time for you to take a look at these two wheels and remind yourself of what your relationship really is like versus what a good healthy relationship is:
Is Your Relationship Healthy? Of course the intent is not for you to try and make your ex-boyfriend fit the non-abusive relationship, that's not possible. It's to help you remind yourself what your relationship really is and what a relationship would be like once you've completed therapy and are able to choose a man who is emotionally healthy and non-abusive.


You did good in standing your ground, you're moving in the right direction. Did you have your abuse therapy today? When's your next group? Are you reading the book yet?





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 2:09am

Hold the phone, Myrinalyn. In your post 11 days ago you said you'd gone from a size 10 to a size 8; that is not a person who is fat or who needs to lose 25 pounds. Why in the world do you think you need to lose 25 pounds?


Another thing, you cite the reason for your sex problems a little off. You seem to be blaming yourself for the issues you have. In this arena too, you have shown that your ex-boyfriend is selfish, entitled (abusive) and uncaring about you or your experience. You've said he blames you for the lack of sex (it probably really is drugs and alcohol), has told you if you'd dress in sexy lingerie you'd have sex more often (you shouldn't have to do that - none of the rest of us does), he doesn't do foreplay, and has premature ejaculation. Sex with him is not for you or about you, it's for him, about him and only to satisfy him. That's the problem, don't be confused and think it's your fault in any way, shape or form. It's more brainwashing, negative messages and more of him assuming none of the blame or responsibility for his own issues. As with all abusive men, all the problems that exist are all your fault. You are there to accept whatever he does, do whatever he wants, please him, make him happy, take the blame whether it's your fault or not and be happy with whatever he gives you.


One last thing -- I think it's a mistake not to have added abuse as a problem when you talked to him. To avoid it sends him the message that it's not really a problem to you. He does enough denying on his own, when you avoid it as well it tells him it's not something that you see as an important issue. And Myrinalyn, the way you are treated should be the most important issue there is.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 10:13pm

I never went on any dates with him.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 12:58pm

<<< I think that the next person will see him as someone who is stable, having lots of savings, will have a great police job, and will probably look pretty darn good to someone. He won't have a problem I don't think once he graduates in finding someone else. This does hurt me by the way. >>>>

He's not a great catch. Remember, he likes to go out all the time to the bars and flirt with women. He has anger issues, he's a liar etc... (not to mention the physical abuse). Don't sell yourself short Myrinalyn - once you work on yourself, you will be the one who's the great catch.

You are making progress and that's a great thing.

hello
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 2:38pm

Thank you for saying that.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 3:22pm
Well I am glad that you are focusing on other things. But just to voice CL's concern about how much weight you are losing - You probably are not too much out of your weight range now. Please don't let it become an obsession or get you down. I was always obsessed with my weight and a certain number and I have let it get me down and lower my self-esteem. Just focus on getting yourself healthy both physically and emotionally - you're on your way........
hello
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 9:04pm

Myrinalyn, you really are making some great strides here. I know it's hard and I know it hurts, but you're doing the right thing for yourself, you're finally doing the one thing that will allow you to achieve what you want, a happy, healthy relationship with a happy, emotionally healthy man who loves and respects you. I know what you mean about feeling bad that your friend comes for a visit right in the middle of your crisis, but you needed her and it really helped that she was there. I'm so glad you're going to group, seeing your abuse counselor and have left the unqualified, inappropriate counselor behind. Those are such positive steps that will take you very far. You were in therapy with your first counselor for how long, five years? And yet nothing changed. You didn't improve and your situation didn't change. Just look at how much has changed for the better (even though it hurts) in such a short time of going to an appropriate therapist and group. You've come to positive realizations, have taken steps to make yourself count and have made some incredible progress in a very short period of time. It's amazing what can happen when you've got the right help. You've become much more sure of yourself too. Not that you don't still have quite a ways to go, but you've done a lot and it shows.


I don't get what the point of continued communication with him is? If you know you don't want to see him again and ask for help in staying strong, why are you doing something that only makes you weak and puts you in grave danger of doing just what you don't want to do -- go back to him? Calling each other pet names, sending sweet emails (between the ugly ones) only makes him look appealing, lulls you into thinking he's changed. You're putting yourself in danger, so why do it? If you know you don't want to be back in that abusive relationship, why do that? You have to be the first line of defense and protection for yourself, and that means doing what's best to keep yourself safe. What you're doing is definitely not protecting yourself, quite the opposite. If you don't want to "be mean" by dropping him, tell him you need some time without any contact to get through this, that you'll contact him when you're ready, but until then ask that he not contact you at all. Then, block his email and phone numbers so that he won't be successful even if he tries. That's protecting yourself and it gives you what you need -- time to heal and move past this. Staying in contact keeps you stuck.


Your ex may look like a good catch, but you know better. You can safely look at his next girlfriend as his next victim as you know full well what kind of lifestyle and hell await her once the "honeymoon" stage is over and he feels she's stuck and he no longer has to put on a front. That's no catch, that's a snake in disguise.


An Eharmony (or any other) guy may look like a good catch, but remember that you're choices are not good right now, your "good catch" is likely another abuser. You need to learn much before you can judge a healthy man from one that's a danger to you. Remember, the last three "good catches" you found were abusive. I guess the one thing you can be sure of right now is a guy who looks good to you is probably a danger to you and any other woman who's unfortunate enough to hook up with him. When you're truly healed, aware and ready to start dating, the right guy will be there. There's no rushing it.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 12:30pm

He called me this morning and was acting all goofy like he use to do.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 12:45pm

It doesn't have to hurt so much.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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