I moved out, he dumped me & it hurts :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
I moved out, he dumped me & it hurts :(
190
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 5:08pm
Even though I am depressed sad and miserable, I felt that most people here would be happy that I am finally gone.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 4:34pm
Well, I have no choice but to have alone time with my family this weekend.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 4:52pm

I guess I don't understand.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 9:48pm
I honestly meant what I said when I told him to not call me.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 10:41pm

Well you're sure not doing yourself any favors. You bemoan the fact that it hurts so bad but you put yourself right into the front line of as much pain as you can possible get. Continuing to contact him and to accept contact from him will only keep the pain as bad as it can get, will not allow you to move away from this relationship, keeping you stuck exactly where you are, and will probably mean you'll eventually "give in" (because you've done everything possible to make certain you will) and wind up back in a full-on relationship with him. You've said you want us to help you, you've said you want to be strong so you don't cave, but you do little to help or protect yourself. You're the frontline here Myrinalyn, not us -- you. You're the one who has to take action. I hear you wanting a fairy tale, but the truth is, even in the best of relationships there is no fairy tale. Yours is hardly the best.


You've said you can't stand thinking about how he was with those women and how you could never look at him again. Now you're saying you hope he'll realize what a jerk he's been. Try taking a look at reality. Do you honestly expect him to magically change his values, morals, character, preferences, lifestyle, friends, abusiveness, drug and alcohol use? That's more than just a tall order and if he did that would indeed be a fairy tale. It's just as likely that you'll change and be just like him. Can you envision yourself becoming just like him in your values, morals, character, preferences, lifestyle, friends, abusiveness, drug and alcohol use? Do you think you're likely to change in those ways? He's just as likely to change away from what he is as you are likely to change to what he is. It isn't going to happen, it's not about him being a jerk, it's about who he is, what he thinks, what he wants, what he believes.


You said you liked not having the drama of the whole issue this weekend, yet you put yourself right back into it the minute you get back. You said you meant it when you told him you didn't want him to call you anymore, but you called him immediately the first second you could. What's the point of any of this? Keep those communication lines open Myrinalyn, you'll not have a fairy tale, you'll have the same nightmare you've been living for the last 13 years of your life, and the last four with him. It's up to you.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 11:53pm

Maybe you need to go back and read this thread again...several posters, myself included, have told you WHY he's calling...because HE wants to be the one in control, for ego reasons. He can dump you, but by golly, YOU are not allowed to dump HIM! So he's calling to make sure you are still on the hook, and sure enough, you are! WHY, oh why did you call him back????? You need to ignore his calls (because he WILL keep calling, any time that you try to stand up for yourself and end things on YOUR terms), and if you're not strong enough to ignore his calls, use technology: call the phone company and BLOCK him from calling you.

And it sounds like you need to read the "Why Does He Do That" book again, and let the fact sink in that few if any abusive men EVER change, and that so-called "abuse counseling" almost never works to cause an abuser to change.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 10:07am

Thank you for being straight forward, direct, and to the point.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 11:31am

Yes, he's being manipulative and controlling in his behavior, but you're allowing it.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 10:46am

I am so very depressed.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 10:54am

As I've suggested before, I think you should be seeing your new counselor *at least* once a week, if not more often (in addition to your group). You need frequent feedback and direction from someone who knows what you are going through and can remind you, again and again, that NOTHING you said or did caused the breakup, other than you finally standing up for yourself and refusing to go along with his abuse.

For the record, your ex wasn't "hurt" by you not answering the phone, he was upset that his control of you was slipping.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 11:57am

Honey, what you’re going through is the same thing everyone goes through when they break up, it’s nothing new, nothing unusual and nothing you won’t get through. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it’s hard. But facing up to the hard stuff and going "cold turkey" (no contact with him) you’re allowing yourself to get past this hard part and move on to where it’s easier. This hard part won’t last forever and when you get to the end of it, it will continue to get easier and easier as time goes on.


Remember when we suggested that you make a list of the that are not acceptable about him like the abuse, the carousing, the lies, the women, so that you could pull it out to remind yourself of why ending this relationship is the right thing to do? Remember when we told you that with a little time your relationship wouldn’t seem "so bad" and you’d question the reason it was ending? That’s exactly where you are now, and this is when that list would be very helpful in reminding you of exactly how bad the relationship is and reinforce the fact that ending this is right.


Block his number from your phone. I would strongly suggest that you not visit friends in his building for a good amount of time. I really think the reason you went for t hat visit was to get close enough to hopefully "accidentally" bump into him. That’s not protecting yourself, that’s passively (or not so passively) trying to set it up so you have an excuse to cave. Here again Myrinalyn, it comes down to taking care of yourself, being strong and protecting yourself is your job. That’s not to say you shouldn’t enlist some help, posting here is good, letting your friends know that you need help staying busy and staying away from him is good. Like Sheri said in her response to you, seeing your abuse counselor more frequently and involving yourself in group is crucial – you need to be taking advantage of the resources that are there to help you. But, you also need to know that you are the bottom line. You are the one who chooses to allow yourself to cave in or stays strong and does the right thing for you. It takes work, but it’s work that we’ve all had to do.


Stay busy – do things even if you don’t feel like it to keep yourself from dwelling on him. Take walks with your dog – NOT BY HIS BUILDING OR ANYWHERE ELSE YOU KNOW HIM TO FREQUENT. Work to keep yourself and your mind occupied, do not allow yourself to sit and wonder about him, you’re only making it harder for yourself. I understand feeling like nothing matters, it’s a normal feeling for this stage, but it will pass.


Think of this in the same terms you do about your dieting. You want to eat but you know that won’t help you get where you want/need to be so you use your strength and will power to resist eating. I’m betting you don’t look through food oriented books, TV shows, wander through restaurants, etc., you avoid as much of that as possible, right? Moving away from this relationship is the exact same thing. You have to resist your urges to reach your goal and you do that by keeping yourself as much away from temptation as possible. You know that the craving for whatever food you want will pass. So will the desire to be with your ex-boyfriend. It’s the same thing and if you think of it the same, maybe it will help you help yourself. In relationships, your goal is to rid abusive, unhealthy relationships from your life. You know his morals, values, character do not match yours, you need to move on.


If you need a few reminders of how it’s been with him, here are a few of your most recent posts about his behavior that may remind you of just a little of the person you’re moving away from:


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlcouplescou&msg=8811.106


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlcouplescou&msg=8811.108


Stay strong, Myrinalyn. I know it’s hard, we’ve all been through it. It’s time for you to take care of yourself.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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