I moved out, he dumped me & it hurts :(
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I moved out, he dumped me & it hurts :(
| Tue, 05-10-2005 - 5:08pm |
Even though I am depressed sad and miserable, I felt that most people here would be happy that I am finally gone.

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To help you stay strong and remind yourself of how things were with him, you might read the responses you got on the board.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Well, I copied every email on this message board since January.
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
I just think you're working so hard to find a reason to go back that you don't need to read your post that only reinforce the same "poor me, I can't survive without him" kind of thought process, but if you disagree, if you think reading that will make you stronger or benefit you in another way, that's up to you.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I also wanted to tell you that I thought of you this weekend. I took my 12 yr old daughter to see a hokey Hilary Duff movie titled: The Perfect Man.
In it - Heather Locklear is a single mom raising 2 girls, Hilary Duff is the eldest daughter. The Mom (Heather) seems to have bad luck picking the wrong man and proceeds to want to get right back into another relationship when the previous one falls through. Additionally, she also moves her entire family to a different state every time a relationship goes sour.
Hilary Duff (the daughter) finally tells her Mom: Mom - why can't you see yourself like we see you? A person who is wonderful and doesn't need a man to make her happy?
Towards the end of the movie, the mom does decide to pursue her dreams of becoming a star baker/chef...wins an award...gets a great job. And then the Perfect Man (Christopher Noth) comes in to see her and she tells him that right now she's working on herself, is happy, and probably should wait awhile before she dates another man. She does end up making a date w/ him for Saturday night. And the rest is history......
The point I am making is that you are a wonderful person who doesn't need a man to make you fulfilled in life. Pursue your dreams & goals and do what makes "YOU" happy.
*** HUGS ****
Hi Cl-2nd_life
I just want to again say thank you for encouraging me and explaining to me over and over again to seek out a counselor who has an expertise in abuse counseling.
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
Myrinalyn-
I have been following your posts (actually I just started reading a couple of days ago, but it took me this long to get through them!) and I am so proud of the progress you have made. Reading your posts touched a place in me that I had forgotten about, and they pulled up all of these emotions that I had long put behind me. I was in an abusive relationship before as well. He never laid his hands on me, but he did break things, scream at me, tell me that I was the one with the problem because I was too insecure, jealous, and emotional, and he cheated. Like you, I was in denial for almost 2 years, and I kept letting him stay even when he would stay out all night with his friends and not call or put other people before me. He promised me the marriage one day, the kids, yadda yadda yadda, but nothing ever materialized. I was always on a big emotional rollercoaster, and the longer I stayed with him, the more I lost myself and any kind of strength I may have once had. I just kept on thinking he would change..he would realize how much he loved me...and he would give me the comittment I wanted. Realistically, everything he did said something totally different, but I didn't want to see that. I didn't have a clear enough mind to see that. I thought I would be nothing without him, and oh my...what would I do with the rest of my life since I had already included him in the whole thing?
Of course I played a big part in all of it too, but that's how the cycle of abuse works. Had I been emotionally healthy, I never would have stood for being with a man like that- not one second, much less 2 years. The endings are a little bit different- he was in the military and got re-stationed across the country, and he just left me out to dry. I was in denial and shock for a long time, but one day I just woke up and declared that I would no longer live that way anymore. I wasn't going to take his occassional phone calls or e-mails, I wasn't going to let him consume my mind anymore, and I wasn't going to end up with anyone else like him. Your counselor says 4 months of grief, but it took me about a year to really get over it. I lived on my own for 2 years, didn't date anyone, went to counseling, went back to college, made new friends, improved myself, etc. It was a really hard time in life, and I truly thought I was hopeless. But I did what I had to do, and I am a totally different person now. I am married to an awesome man who would never hurt me, abandon me, or disrespect me, and we have a beautiful son together. I read your reasoning for being in abusive situations, but mine was because I have an physically/emotionally absent father. The drama was all I ever knew with men...the love from them was supposed to hurt. I was all wrong of course. I tell you all of these things because had I not made such drastic changes in my life, learned to love and respect myself, there is no way I would be where I am at today. There is no drama in my relationship- we have nothing but love for each other. When we disagree, we can work it out through communication...there is no screaming or breaking things.
I almost ran away from him when I first met him because a healthy relationship was so uncomfortable for me. I didn't know how to function in one because I had never been in one. We went to counseling, we worked through things together, and I am happier than I have ever been in my whole life. I wish I could let you in my heart for just 2 seconds...just to give you hope and a promise that you can totally change your life and be healthy person in a healthy relationship. I don't have to worry about anything anymore...well, not regarding our relationship...I don't have to feel insecure because I know without a doubt that he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me. I have the utmost feelings of security, love, happiness, and just about every positive emotion you can imagine. Of course we have our hard times, but nothing in our relationship is abusive.
I hope you can continue to be strong, stay single, better yourself, stay in counseling, and truly learn to love and respect yourself. It will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do, but the rewards are priceless. Focus on *YOU* for once, and being alone and single does get hard, but you can't be in a healthy relationship if you aren't healthy.
best of luck.
Boy do you sound great! I think you're seeing just what Sheri (Northwestwanderer) was saying about this being the time for more frequent appointments with your abuse counselor and good focus on your group meetings as well. You really need it right now, and from the way you're talking it sounds like it's been so very good for you and helpful too. I'm so glad you're feeling better, have made the realizations that you've made and have heard firsthand that you are not wrong, not stupid and not to blame. I hope you have another appointment scheduled soon, it will help keep you on track, will help you feel much better about yourself and will help that confusion from coming in and clouding you up.
It's incredible the wrong messages and lessons we get in childhood, isn't it? I remember when I first realized the wrong messages and lessons I'd gotten as a child; it was quite a realization for me, something I hadn't considered in the least before, but there it was, easy to see and obvious as all get out. We take those lessons and messages with us and apply them to our adult lives. I don't know about you, but realizing the lessons and messages I'd gotten really helped me to recover from them and learn new, better, healthier ways to live. It also helped me see where I was wrong in my thinking and actions/reactions in my relationship. I hope your experience is the same.
I laughed when I realized you'd meant "ex-boyfriend" where you said "husband". I think that's a perfect example of a Freudian slip, don't you? You're just beginning to see your ex-boyfriend as being like your ex-husband (abusive and cheating) and as a result you're subconsciously slipping out with the man who was your first adult relationship experience in abuse and infidelity, don't you think?
I think it's really good that you wrote this down, writing helps cement it in, at least it does for me. And since you print and reread posts, your last post will be a great one to pick up and reread when you feel less strong.
You're doing great, keep up the good work and stay close to your counselor and group! Did you read E_M_Herrera's post to you? It's awesome.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
What an incredible, powerful post, E_M_Herrera, thank you so much for posting your story here. You're an incredible inspiration for Myrinalyn and anyone else who's in an abusive relationship. Telling her how it was for you, the confusion, the struggle, the determination and the end result says more than the rest of us could ever say to her.
You've done more good for more people than you can know by posting this. You've given an incredible gift.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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