I moved out, he dumped me & it hurts :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
I moved out, he dumped me & it hurts :(
190
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 5:08pm
Even though I am depressed sad and miserable, I felt that most people here would be happy that I am finally gone.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 2:32am

Myrinalyn, I forgot to say that I understand the importance of explaining how your ex-boyfriend thinks. While it is possible to know the abuser's thought process, I don't think it's always possible to understand why they think that way. I think that's one of those things that's not worth trying to understand, I'm not sure it's possible and in the end, I don't know that it's worth our time. It's enough to know that this is how they think and that they are always going to think that way, knowing why they think that way won't change anything, so what's the point? Not to say that from a researcher's standpoint it wouldn't be crucial to understand the dynamics of why they think as they do, but we aren't researchers, we're women getting out of and staying away from abusive relationships!


I know you've heard it a million times, but that good old book I keep referencing, “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft , is very good at explaining the abuser's thinking. I'm betting you haven't found your copy yet, right? If you haven't, I'd suggest it's important enough for you to buy another copy. When you find your other copy you can donate one to a women's shelter and help some other abused women. You kind of indicated before that the book was a hard read for you, I wonder if that wasn't because you were trying to read it while hiding it from your ex-boyfriend as well as because you were in a lot of denial about the abuse in your relationship? I'd suggest giving it another try, or asking your therapist if she thinks this is a good time to read it. It may be that you're overwhelmed with everything you're taking in and it's too much for you. She sees you and knows how you are, she'd be a good judge of whether it's something you should undertake or not if you have any concerns. But I can tell you, the book will make your relationship very clear. You'll see yourself, your confusion, your thinking and the reasons for it and you'll see your ex-boyfriend's actions, words and thinking. I think it'll open your eyes a lot.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 8:58am
Thanks for sharing the things your counselor has said, they are very wise words, and I think it will help a lot of people who are passing through here lurking.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 10:42am

Thank so so very much for sharing with me all that you went through.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 1:03pm

Thanks for your post. I made another appointment with my abuse counselor for Wednesday.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 10:51pm

I know this isn't easy, you need to know you're doing an incredible job here, you deserve a lot of credit. Hooking up with girlfriends, getting out of town, the CD's, making an appointment to see your therapist before you go, all of those things are smart, positive, proactive things to be doing. You're making all the right moves to get your life back on track. I hope you have a lot of fun on your trip, you deserve it. Do your best to see that you're good to yourself and you have a lot of fun.


Honestly, I hope you don't stay in contact with your previous counselor, he was bad for you, didn't do the right thing, which is encourage you to get appropriate help and he worked as a couples counselor without training or licensing. Obviously had no business doing it as it is completely counter-indicated, which further illustrates his incompetence. He worked with you more than five years but you didn't change. You've been with your abuse counselor just a very short time and have made some incredible, significant improvements. That should tell you a lot -- with the right therapist you improve by leaps and bounds, with the wrong one you stay where you are. Your ex-therapist called what he did with you and your boyfriend "individual therapy in front of someone else"? That's not what he was calling it while he was couples counseling you and your boyfriend, and he wasn't counseling one in another's presence, he was interacting with both of you. Maybe you don't see it, but it seems to me that he's covering his tracks so he isn't reported for inappropriate, unethical, counseling, counseling and counseling in an area he is not licensed for. He's trying to cover his rear because he knows what he did was wrong. In my opinion he's been using you, literally bilking money from you in the form of "counseling", doing harm not good. The fact that he says you "choose partners that are strong and controlling" proves that he is clueless as to the real issue, your partners aren't "strong and controlling, they're abusive. It's not the same and it can't be treated the same. No matter what you agreed to, I hope you'll choose not to contact him again. I would also let your abuse counselor know about the conversation you had with him and what he said. She needs to have the opportunity to point out to you where this guy is wrong and why.


Some days are going to be tougher than others, that's just the way it is. As you struggle through the tougher times when giving in seems tempting, remind yourself of how far you've come and ask yourself if you really want to give up all that progress you've made, knowing that your relationship will be the same it's always been and going back means losing all the progress you've made, ultimately reaching the point of having to end it again, and having to start all over from scratch to get back to where you are today. Reminding myself of that has kept me strong on more than one occasion. And if the journey seems to long, the goal seems too far away, remember that every journey not only starts with a single step, but that the destination can only be reached by taking one step at a time. You'll get there and it won't always be this hard either. I think one of the biggest reasons for giving up on a goal is because whether you're struggling to diet, stop smoking, or stay away from an abusive relationship you forget that the hard times when you really want to give in won't always be there. You forget that the craving for that candy bar will pass, while you're in the middle of that craving, it seems like you'll have to battle that craving forever unless you give in. But you and I both know that's not the way it goes. The craving will pass if you stay strong and eventually the cravings quit coming. Same with cigarettes, same with a bad relationship. The hard times won't stay so hard, they'll get easier, you just need to remember that when you're in the middle of the hardest times.


You're really doing some amazing things here Myrinalyn. You may not feel it and you may not recognize it but you're showing incredible strength.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 6:04pm

I wrote an email and sent it and he wrote back on the bottom of this. I was really trying hard to be strong while writing this.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 6:48pm

From the way you wrote your June 22 post I kind of suspected you were repeating what your counselor had said rather than actually believing it, your post today I think confirms that.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 7:37pm
I am confused.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 9:14pm

I think the problem is this letter reads just like all the other letters you've sent. It sounds like one more "please change" letter. I understand you needing a goodbye letter, but why did you need to send it? Write it and burn it. He's heard it all a zillion times before, there's nothing to be gained by his receiving it. Your statement "I don't think after this email he will even repond back. Why in a way do I wish that he would?" seems to says it all; it indicates that your letter wasn't merely goodbye, it was "here's one more chance for you to say you'll change so we can be together." You didn't mention abuse, nowhere did you say you were cutting ties, but you said plenty how much you missed him. Seems if it had honestly been a goodbye letter it would have sounded a lot different and you wouldn't bemoan the fact that he probably won't email you again. You're still hoping for contact. It sounds like another example of you reaching out to him.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 10:05am
Letters like this are great to write, but sending it screws it all up. Write it in Word and just save it on your computer. I had a file with my x-bf I kept all through our relationship. It was like a journal, but all the entries were written like emails to him. It was important for me to get my feelings out, to see it in front of me and understand and make sense of what I was feeling. I did the same thing in the relationship before this one to help me through the breakup process (my bf had stopped replying to my emails anyway, so repeatedly sending them was pointless, but I still had to write them). The same is true for you now. You need to get this all out and 'say goodbye' but you need to stop trying to get through to him. The email is not going to make him see where he went wrong or make him want you back, it's just going to continue contact with him. It's your way of staying 'confused' because you never ever get the kind of response you want and then you end up trying to make sense of that instead of making sense of your own internal feelings. You are taking the focus off healing when you send the email. Keep writing them, stop sending them.

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