I moved out, he dumped me & it hurts :(
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I moved out, he dumped me & it hurts :(
| Tue, 05-10-2005 - 5:08pm |
Even though I am depressed sad and miserable, I felt that most people here would be happy that I am finally gone.

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I know you've heard it a million times, but that good old book I keep referencing, “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft , is very good at explaining the abuser's thinking. I'm betting you haven't found your copy yet, right? If you haven't, I'd suggest it's important enough for you to buy another copy. When you find your other copy you can donate one to a women's shelter and help some other abused women. You kind of indicated before that the book was a hard read for you, I wonder if that wasn't because you were trying to read it while hiding it from your ex-boyfriend as well as because you were in a lot of denial about the abuse in your relationship? I'd suggest giving it another try, or asking your therapist if she thinks this is a good time to read it. It may be that you're overwhelmed with everything you're taking in and it's too much for you. She sees you and knows how you are, she'd be a good judge of whether it's something you should undertake or not if you have any concerns. But I can tell you, the book will make your relationship very clear. You'll see yourself, your confusion, your thinking and the reasons for it and you'll see your ex-boyfriend's actions, words and thinking. I think it'll open your eyes a lot.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thank so so very much for sharing with me all that you went through.
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
Thanks for your post. I made another appointment with my abuse counselor for Wednesday.
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
I know this isn't easy, you need to know you're doing an incredible job here, you deserve a lot of credit. Hooking up with girlfriends, getting out of town, the CD's, making an appointment to see your therapist before you go, all of those things are smart, positive, proactive things to be doing. You're making all the right moves to get your life back on track. I hope you have a lot of fun on your trip, you deserve it. Do your best to see that you're good to yourself and you have a lot of fun.
Honestly, I hope you don't stay in contact with your previous counselor, he was bad for you, didn't do the right thing, which is encourage you to get appropriate help and he worked as a couples counselor without training or licensing. Obviously had no business doing it as it is completely counter-indicated, which further illustrates his incompetence. He worked with you more than five years but you didn't change. You've been with your abuse counselor just a very short time and have made some incredible, significant improvements. That should tell you a lot -- with the right therapist you improve by leaps and bounds, with the wrong one you stay where you are. Your ex-therapist called what he did with you and your boyfriend "individual therapy in front of someone else"? That's not what he was calling it while he was couples counseling you and your boyfriend, and he wasn't counseling one in another's presence, he was interacting with both of you. Maybe you don't see it, but it seems to me that he's covering his tracks so he isn't reported for inappropriate, unethical, counseling, counseling and counseling in an area he is not licensed for. He's trying to cover his rear because he knows what he did was wrong. In my opinion he's been using you, literally bilking money from you in the form of "counseling", doing harm not good. The fact that he says you "choose partners that are strong and controlling" proves that he is clueless as to the real issue, your partners aren't "strong and controlling, they're abusive. It's not the same and it can't be treated the same. No matter what you agreed to, I hope you'll choose not to contact him again. I would also let your abuse counselor know about the conversation you had with him and what he said. She needs to have the opportunity to point out to you where this guy is wrong and why.
Some days are going to be tougher than others, that's just the way it is. As you struggle through the tougher times when giving in seems tempting, remind yourself of how far you've come and ask yourself if you really want to give up all that progress you've made, knowing that your relationship will be the same it's always been and going back means losing all the progress you've made, ultimately reaching the point of having to end it again, and having to start all over from scratch to get back to where you are today. Reminding myself of that has kept me strong on more than one occasion. And if the journey seems to long, the goal seems too far away, remember that every journey not only starts with a single step, but that the destination can only be reached by taking one step at a time. You'll get there and it won't always be this hard either. I think one of the biggest reasons for giving up on a goal is because whether you're struggling to diet, stop smoking, or stay away from an abusive relationship you forget that the hard times when you really want to give in won't always be there. You forget that the craving for that candy bar will pass, while you're in the middle of that craving, it seems like you'll have to battle that craving forever unless you give in. But you and I both know that's not the way it goes. The craving will pass if you stay strong and eventually the cravings quit coming. Same with cigarettes, same with a bad relationship. The hard times won't stay so hard, they'll get easier, you just need to remember that when you're in the middle of the hardest times.
You're really doing some amazing things here Myrinalyn. You may not feel it and you may not recognize it but you're showing incredible strength.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I wrote an email and sent it and he wrote back on the bottom of this. I was really trying hard to be strong while writing this.
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
From the way you wrote your June 22 post I kind of suspected you were repeating what your counselor had said rather than actually believing it, your post today I think confirms that.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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