I moved out, he dumped me & it hurts :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
I moved out, he dumped me & it hurts :(
190
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 5:08pm
Even though I am depressed sad and miserable, I felt that most people here would be happy that I am finally gone.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 2:34pm

You are caught in being a victim and sabotaging yourself. Do you realize that you can't even *begin* to move forward unless you cut *all* contact off with him?

I stopped contact with my ex for about 6 months (no e-mails, no phone calls, etc.) I even went to the lengths of changing my e-mail, phone number, and moving so he couldn't contact *me*. I left no doors at all open, and during this time I was seeing a counselor and moving forward tremendously. All it took was one night of being lonely, a bottle of wine, and me sending him an email to start the cycle all over again. The e-mail led to more emails, a phone call and some letters that were exchanged. It took me all back to step one...forget those 6 months of moving on and growth, I had dragged myself back to the same point as when we first broke up.

You won't ever move forward if you keep contacting him. If you need to write 100 letters to express your feelings- that's fine- so long as you don't *send* them. You don't seem to realize that it doesn't matter what you say or write- he doesn't think or feel the same as you. He will *never* GET IT. He will *never* see things from your perspective, and he will *never* have a break through and be like "I can see it clearly now. I totally understand how you feel, and I am going to change 100%." THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN! We are talking apples and bananas here. The two will never morph into one...they will never look the same or taste the same. No matter how hard you try, they just never will. You can write him a thousand exhausting letters, keep beating your head against that brick wall, and tell him about your feelings until you've passed out- HE WILL NEVER GET IT! You don't need any closure from him, you get that from yourself. You get that from realizing that two of you *do not* belong together and will *never* be compatible. You will get that from truly seeing that he is abusive and sick- he doesn't have the capacity or will to be any different than he already is. You aren't going to ever get validation from him- you never did in the 4 years you were together, and you never will for as long as you two shall live. You can either stay in this sick cycle, or you can get out- the choice is yours. Everytime you contact him, you throw all of your growth out of the window. You are killing your progress and starting over at "go". The choice is yours to stop playing this game now or play it for the next 10 years.

This is all insanity- you are doing/thinking/behaving the same ways over and over, but expecting different end results. You will never get any different results unless you do things totally different. Once again, the choice is yours. All of those nice things you want in life (a family, happiness, love, etc.) are 100% attainable, but the longer you play this game with your life and him, the longer you are robbing yourself of *ever* having those dreams. You say you want children, but you are acting in every way against that. You aren't going to have a child with this man, and you won't have a child with any man unless you start working on yourself and get healthy NOW. You have wasted the past 4 years of your life in an insane relationship- don't you think that is long enough to sabotage your life? I don't know, but maybe it's not for you. Maybe you need to keep on doing this until you have no chances of ever living the kind of life you want. Maybe what you truly desire is a life of misery and abuse. I know you will say "that is not what I want", but words don't mean *ANYTHING* when the foot work doesn't match up. You are destroying yourself, and only YOU and YOU alone can reverse it and fix the problem.

I learned real quick after starting our correspondence all over again that I never wanted to feel that hurt and emptiness EVER again! I knew the only way to fix what I had done was to stop contact once again, and that was the last time I talked or wrote to him. Only THEN could I start the healing process all over. I never looked back, and my life is amazing today.

The choice is yours- you can live a life of misery, or you can work towards making it everything you've ever wanted.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 4:38pm

Excellent post! Unfortunately, several threads and literally hundreds of posts prove that us saying this same message over and over to myrinalyn is a little like beating our own heads against a brick wall (or more likely, our computer desks). You have very salient points and on-point life experience to share with myrinalyn, and I really hope she see's that. Fortunately, our repeated attempts to get through to myrinalyn do not cost us on a personal and emotional level the way her contact with her ex-bf costs her. That is the only reason we keep trying, myrinalyn. We really do think you have the inner strength and power to make it through this and stop the cycle. We believe in you. Many of us keep expending all this energy in order to help you because we care, and we are rooting for you and hoping and expecting you will continue your upward progress and not slide all the way back into the mess that is your relationship with him. We know you can do it. You have come a long way but the journey isn't nearly over. You just have to keep believing in yourself and stop emailing or talking to him!

Note: I got curious and looked, I counted 5 threads and 487 posts since last September (the big thread of 297 can be found in the archives last post was March 2nd). That is a lot of wonderful, thoughtful caring advice given by the members of this board, most of whom have experienced abuse and putting abusive relationships solidly in their past. Myrinalyn, none of us want to believe our posts are in vain. You really have made so much progress, and I for one am INCREDIBLY proud of you for moving out and buying your own place. That was such a HUGE step and I don't want to lose sight of how much you worried about making that move and how much work you put into getting where you are right now, even though you aren't all the way there yet. I remember when so many posters were so strongly telling you to see an abuse counselor and how long it took you to do that, and now look at you. You are seeing the abuse counselor and you've left the counselor that wasn't doing you as much good, and you are going to group counseling. I know none of that was easy for you. I think you should look at that and realize you are STRONG! You CAN DO THIS! You ARE doing this! Now that I am remembering how far you really have come, I see that my beating my own head against my computer desk occasionally has not been in vain. It's worth it. Stopping all contact with him is your next major step and we are all here to help you do that, but just like your progress so far YOU have to be the one to do it. You have to find it within yourself to SEE what contact with him is doing to you. I think you do see that. Listen to all these wise women and trust yourself to do this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 11:39am

There is so much truth to all of these posts.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 7:41pm

Have you done anything about the suggestion to see your new counselor more often? I think that would really help you.

I would repeat AGAIN what I and other posters have said before about blocking him from calling or emailing you, thinking wrongfully that it's all your fault that the r'ship ended, thinking wrongfully that your ex is capable of not being abusive anymore, etc, but it doesn't seem to do any good so I won't. I *WILL* urge you to go to more frequent counseling sessions, however.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 8:22pm

God doesn't take the pain away and neither can anyone, only you can help yourself. This might not make sense, but it's how I see it. The pain doesn't go away until you go THROUGH it, face it and swim in it for a while, understand and accept it. Then you can move on and that part feels really really good. I think when you are crying you are feeling sorry for yourself, that is not the same thing as feeling your pain and truly experiencing it. It's like the pain is inside you, in your gut and you have to let it come up and feel it. Look at it even. Once you've identified it, it becomes less scary and you can then put it behind you.

You really should take the advice to see your counselor more freuqently. That will really help you, if you are serious about healing and becoming healthy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 8:23pm
I went to new Christian Counselor tonight.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 8:50pm

Is "new Christian Counselor" the woman you've seen a few times who has a background counseling victims of abuse? Or is this another counselor? I hope it's the counselor who has experience with abuse. If so, what does she say about contacting your ex and blaming yourself? And, if it is the abuse counselor, can you see her more than once a week for the time being?

Blaming yourself for your ex's behavior is a pretty typical response of people in abusive relationships (and I'd be surprised if your therapist hasn't mentioned this). He was NOT abusive because you asked him too many questions, Myrinalyn. You didn't DRIVE him to anything. He didn't act the way he did because he was "hurt" by you--he acted that way because THAT IS HOW HE IS. I hope you are able to see that soon.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 10:49pm

You are sabotaging yourself. You are doing everything in your power to undo all the progress you've made and put yourself right back into the hell you're just beginning to emerge from.


You are purposely pretending that you are the problem, that the issues were not serious or abusive. You're doing everything in your power to go right back into hell by pretending it was not what it was. All the pretending in the world won't make the truth any different. You cannot make a person abusive and frankly, he has many more very serious personality problems than just being abusive to you. He's sick, and I mean in a sadistic, controlling, power way. He delights in making women uncomfortable, he says inappropriate things and does inappropriate things with them. He loves to make them squirm. Even his old friends see that and don't think it's right. You, on the other hand, are desperately trying to see him as someone who's wonderful, who was only damaged by you -- it was all your fault. If only you'd have been better, more understanding, less insecure, everything would have been wonderful. It's hard to be secure when you're boyfriend says and does things that are inappropriate. It's hard to have blame when he's abusive. He could be with the most wonderful, emotionally together person in the world and he would not be all right. He'd still be sick, morally corrupt and abusive. And he'd be alone because an emotionally healthy woman wouldn't stay with a guy like him for five minutes.


If you want to go back to that relationship, fine, go back. But be honest. If that's what you're doing say, "I know he's abusive, morally corrupt and sick but it's the relationship I want to be in." Don't make excuses an pretend it's something it's not. Be honest with yourself, be honest with us.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 10:58pm

What do you mean you're going to a Christian Counselor and will be going there from now on? Do you mean instead of your abuse counselor? What? Please let me know. What is this counselor counseling you in? Relationships? Spirituality? Does your abuse counselor know about your Christian Counselor? Did you get your abuse counselor's approval to add this counselor to your therapy? Or are you saying you'll no longer see the abuse counselor but the Christian Counselor instead and continue your abuse group? I'm not clear.


I'm asking all these questions in a lot of separate posts because I think sometimes you get overwhelmed with the responses, the length and the different subjects they cover. I'm trying to break them up so there's only one topic per post to help you stay focused on the questions/topic at hand. Let me know about your counselor.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 12:04am

Myrinalyn, I'm going to respond to you in a lot of little posts and I hope if you choose to reply to them that you'll do it in the same manner. I'm doing it this way because I think there become so many issues and topics in your posts and in the responses you get that you get overwhelmed, confused, the responses get tangled up as you lose sight of what topic/issue the responder is referring to and you get tangled up right along with them. I'm thinking maybe if I keep the topics separate it'll be easier for you to keep them separated too. Let me know if it helps, okay?


Topic #1"There is so much truth to all of these posts. I am miserable and complain and complain about it. I don't know how to let things drop and I keep rehashing things over and over again in my mind. I don't trust myself. I don't know what to do with uneasy and uncomfortable feelings. I want someone to reach out to me and make me feel better."Your feelings are understandable and fine. What you feel is nothing more than that incredibly huge urge to eat something when you're dieting, it ebbs and peaks and your feelings are at a peak. They won't stay there. Stick it out and they'll ease up and you'll feel soooo much better. If you let yourself go through this and stay strong you won't go through another bout as tough again, either. What you're feeling right now is uncomfortable. Nobody likes it. You're on a journey and this is merely a part you have to get through. In getting through it you'll realize something you've forgotten long ago -- that you can trust yourself and you are stronger than you think. Of course you want somebody to reach out and make you feel better, but it's time you stuck it out, rode out the storm and find that you can rely on yourself. You can do it too. Make sense?



"I cried most of the weekend."I've cried all weekend, I've cried longer than that over a broken up relationship. It felt like I was never going to get through it, it felt like I would never be okay without my ex-boyfriend, but you know what? I made it through and things were very much okay without my ex-boyfriend, it just took a while to get there. This isn't unusual, Myrinalyn, we've all been through this -- every one of us.

"And as an example of my above statement, on Sat, I cried in front of my mom at a restaurant and she didn't know what to say to make the pain inside of me go away. I couldn't turn off the faucet of my tears."There isn't anything anyone can say or do to make the pain inside you go away, but I think you really know that. You can't take anyone's pain away and no one can take yours either. They can be there as a support, even just physically being there without saying a word can be helpful, but the pain is something that will lessen in time, it's part of the process, part of the peak and ebb process, there's nothing to do but ride it out, it will get better and it won't come back as strong. Painful, hurtful feelings are hard to sit with, sometimes people will do something else in a subconscious effort to distract themselves from experiencing the unpleasant feelings. I used to do that until my therapist pointed out that I was avoiding dealing with my feelings rather than sitting in them and allowing myself to feel them. You and your "chicken-with-its-head-cut-off" antics once things get tough (the crazy running around, emails, calls, looking for something, anything else to focus on) could very possibly be the same. You know your ex-boyfriend is bad for you, you know your relationship is dysfunctional, abusive and absolutely wrong for you or any other woman on this planet, yet you see going back to it as the quickest, easier means of avoiding the feelings necessary to get beyond it. Think about it, Myrinalyn. You're sabotaging yourself.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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