I moved out, he dumped me & it hurts :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
I moved out, he dumped me & it hurts :(
190
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 5:08pm
Even though I am depressed sad and miserable, I felt that most people here would be happy that I am finally gone.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 12:34am

Topic #2"It didn't matter what I was thinking I couldn't stop feeling guilty and sorrowful for the failure of yet another relationship."So deep down you still really believe this is all your fault, is that right? I really want your answer to this one. You're saying you should have been accepting of his drugs, alcohol, drugged porn friends, his late hours, his inappropriate behavior, his hanging with naked chicks, staying out all night, lying about how often he was going out, his blaming you for everything, the name calling, the intimidation, the throwing, the breaking, the threats, the pushing, the awful words and disgust he treated you with, all of this was your fault and you should have been okay with it? Is that what you're saying Myrinalyn? Even his old friend told you he didn't know why you were with him, your friends told you they didn't like him and he wasn't good for you. Still, it's all your fault and you should have been able to live like that happily? Or do you really know better and this is just reactive panic talk?

"There were many times my ex-boyfriend tried to help me by starting over and we would be watching a movie and I would start in with all of my unsettled feelings and drilling him with 20 questions over things that happened 3 months ago."This feels like it was your fault because it's not the kind of behavior most people have. But then, most people aren't in relationships with guys who cheat, do drugs and hang out with naked chicks in hot tubs, lie about where they are and how often they go. So yeah, you were a little uneasy and unsure. You should have been uneasy and unsure, it would have been entirely blind and stupid for you not to be. Not only that, but as you later found out, you were right to suspect things weren't right, they weren't. He was lying to you. To put this further into perspective, you had a boyfriend who was feeding you full of bull, telling you how wrong you were, acting upset and indignant that you'd dare to distrust him, suspect him or feel unsure about how things were. He was lying to you Myrinalyn and he was keeping a front and a posture that said you were totally out of line to be the least bit concerned. Still today he insists you're at fault and his actions have been fine. Well, you know what his actions have been so you know what he expects you and any other woman to accept: him being able to do everything he wants, and I do mean everything while the woman accepts whatever he does happily as if it's just fine.

"I wanted him to take the pain away and make everything all better." You wanted him to stop his behavior so your anguish would stop. Nothing wrong with that.

"I was putting all that misery on to him so that I could feel better."You were reacting to the very correct and very appropriate feelings and suspicions you were having and putting them where they were most appropriately placed -- with him. The fact that he was unwilling to accept what was rightfully his was wrong -- not surprising, but wrong. Abusive men are entitled men. They believe they are entitled to do whatever they want. Women's job is to accept everything the men dish out and to make the man happy. Women are not entitled to the same thoughts, feelings, wants, needs as men. Abusive men basically see women as being there to serve them, period. They don't act that way all the time, if they did, it would be easier to break away. They back off and act wonderful sometimes to keep women on the hook.


"I regret doing that and wish that I could be a happy person inside." Your regret should be that you kept beating your head against that same brick wall. The good news is you can be that happy person you want to be, but leaving him behind is one of the major steps you'll have to take to achieve it.

Make sense so far?





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 1:25am

Topic #3"I still have hope that he will change and want to live a happy life with me." This is a real question, Myrinalyn, not a sarcastic comment. You've been with him four years and he's not changed. At his best you admitted he didn't consider your wants, needs or feelings. At his best. What do you think is a reasonable, rational amount of time to watch the same behavior and think that change will happen? Honest. What do you think? Another year? Two? Five? What length of time would you say it takes before it's not reasonable to expect change? In these four years why is it that you haven't grown to change to like how he is? How many years do you think it'll take before you learn to love it? Really, I'd like to know what you think.



"I know that I am not following through with all of this advise and hope that I can learn to let this heartache go and be happy."You'll have to end all contact and be willing to move forward in an intelligent manner in order to let the heartache go and to be happy. You'll have to force yourself to act out of rationality rather than emotion for a while. You have to ask yourself what's the best thing to do, not what you want to do and act on what you know is best. It's not easy, but it's part of being an adult and you can do that.


"I am sad to hear how happy he is and how he is working out and moving on without me. That bites!"
Please reread Paragraph #2:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlcouplescou/?msg=8811.74

Please reread Paragraph #1:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlcouplescou/?msg=8811.40
And he'll keep the act until he's got you or his next victim thoroughly ensared in the belief that he really is that great person he appears to be. Then he'll revert to his real self, the person you've lived with for the last three years.

"It stinks that we aren't together." You really want to continue the same life you've had for the last four years with him and the nine years before that? You really want a life with a guy who carouses and fools around, does drugs and hangs out with porn and druggie friends, who lies and cheats, who demeans, threatens, pushes, verbally and emotionally assaults? You really want a guy who cannot and will not be a partner but will expect you to take everything he dishes out and like it (and he dishes out quite a bit) and who does not take responsibility and ownership for his actions? This is your life dream?

"I don't know how to get over this, I really don't."You do it just like everybody else. You grab hold and ride out the rough days, you take bigger, better steps on the easier days and you do it one day at a time. Look down the road and it looks overwhelming, intimidating, impossible, not do-able. Focus on just today and you can do that. We've all left relationships or been left, it hurts, we cry for days, we feel like there's no getting better, no life without what's-his-name, but one day it feels better and the next day it feels better yet. One day at a time. It's the only way you can live your life. You should try it.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert




Edited 6/28/2005 1:36 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 1:31am

Topic #4"Also, I am amazed that I ever graduated with two college degrees because I haven't completed anything else in my life. I start many things but don't follow through. I want to start that fitness body for life because so many people say that their life was changed because of it. I want to be able to feel like I can complete something."Completing two college degrees, purchasing your own place, etc. all show how much you have finished and how capable you are. You've been living in abusive, put-down relationships for so long that you've been thoroughly brainwashed by the negative, awful things these abusive men have told you that you believe you're incapable in spite of the accomplishments you have right in front of you to prove that what they've said is not true. You haven't been successful at starting fitness body for life right now because you're overwhelmed, distracted, and unfocused. Everyone who goes through this is in the same boat. When we're in the middle of an emotionally stressful situation it's not a good time to set goals in lots of areas or expect a lot out of ourselves. Stick to what you need to stick to to take care of you (getting completely free of your ex and moving forward in treatment for a healthier you). This is not the time to set goals in other areas. Give yourself some credit and give yourself a break.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert




Edited 6/28/2005 1:37 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 1:34am

"I think that I was a bit stand offish in the relationship because I was afraid to look like a fool like I viewed my mother growing up."

Why did you view your mother as a fool?





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 2:25am

I decided to go to a Christian Therapist because I find it comforting to have someone pray for me at the end of the session.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 2:44am

It is hard for me to think or to see that I am purposely sabotoging myself.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 2:51am

I like your idea about posing all different topics because it is easier to go through them separately and respond to them. I am getting tired now so I will go to bed. I woke up to see if my ex had emailed me and then came here to the boards.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 8:40am

You may well be on your way to destroying all the progress you've made, but that's your choice to do. A counselor, Christian or not, who "knows about abuse" and a counselor who is trained and licensed in abuse are two very, very different things. One is competent to guide you through your issues and one is not. One has the very serious likelihood of causing you more damage, more pain and confusion simply because since she isn't trained in abuse she doesn't understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship or the dynamics of the abuse victim. The very fact that this counselor who does not appear to be licensed in abuse would be willing to see you knowing that your issue are abuse says she is not competent, otherwise, she'd want you to get the kind of specific care you need and would refer you back to your abuse counselor.


Why, when your abuse counselor has done you so much good in such a short time would you choose to abandon those sessions in favor of one who does not know what she's doing, cannot help you and will drag you back into more confusion, damage and destruction? I suspect it's because the abuse counselor is taking you places you really don't want to go -- out of the abyss and into a healthy world. I think you prefer to believe there's hope that your ex will change and since you don't get that from the abuse counselor you'd rather find a counselor who will feed you hope that this can happen, unfortunately that means finding a counselor who is harmful rather than helpful. Yes, I hear you say you'll still see your abuse therapist at group, but a group session is not like an individual session, not as individualized, not as intense, not the same at all. You know that. You are in the beginning stages of moving forward, so now you're choosing to hamper and likely stop the progress you've made, and very likely make yourself more dysfunctional, unhealthy and screwed up by the mixed messages you'll get. If you really want to get healthy and emotionally well, you'd see your abuse therapist as your primary care and wouldn't see other therapists without her blessing.


If you want prayer, why not go to church? Most offer Wednesday services too, and prayer groups as well. There are many ways you can satisfy your spiritual needs without sabotaging your recovery by receiving uninformed, uneducated, incorrect counseling.


It's you're life Myrinalyn. You can live it any way you want. You're choosing to remain confused, hurting and unhealthy and that's fine. But choosing that path while bemoaning the fact that you aren't happy and healthy is contradictory and makes no sense. You've got to choose one road and be satisfied with it. If you want to remain as you are, that's okay, but you've got to be satisfied with it and not want more/different. If you're not happy with your life, then you'll have to do the things necessary to change it for the better and that often won't be easy or comfortable. You'll have to decide what you want, take that path, bite the bullet and accept whichever road you've chosen.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert




Edited 6/28/2005 9:35 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 8:49am

You're doing everything you can to prolong the pain and keep it at the highest level it can be. You're making the choice on what actions you take every step of the way. You may want to call your ex, but even at the point that you have the phone in your hand you have the choice to put it down. The same goes for dialing, letting it ring, all of it. Every second of every incident you have the choice to stop yourself. You are the only one who powers what you do. Same with your other actions and choices, including therapists and dealing with the reality and pain or avoiding it by turning away from those who are trained to really help you. Your choice, your power.


You don't need to get off EHarmony because it's depressing, you need to get off because you are not healthy and are not able to make anything but a destructive choice. What would look attractive to you would certainly be a dangerous, abusive man, and a healthy man would not be interested in a relationship with an emotionally unhealthy woman. Let's not forget too that an emotionally healthy person would recognize that while they're still hung up on an ex they are not at all ready for another relationship. Until you are over your feelings for your previous partner, you aren't available for a new relationship. How can you start with someone else while you're still hung up on an ex? You're not ready until you're through and you aren't ready until you're healed. Unless, of course, you're looking for another destructive, dysfunctional relationship.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 9:10am

"I just hate feeling like it is all my fault and if I could have done this or that things would be better".
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlcouplescou&msg=8811.173

"I feel that I can and everyone makes mistakes."Of course. You do make mistakes and so does everyone else. But there's a difference between making a mistake and choosing a lifestyle. He's very happy with his life as it is. You know that.

"I think, well, if he feels bad about it and doesn't want that life then we could work on us."And you've given him a zillion opportunities to do just that but he's quite clearly made it plain that he likes his lifestyle, believes the way he believes and is not planning to change. Why would he change what he thinks is right? Even if he wanted to change, you couldn't "work on you", HE would have to work on himself and change himself before anything else could change. This isn't something you could do with him or for him. Of course, since he's not interested in changing and doesn't see anything wrong in what he does this is nothing but rhetoric.


"I hate rejection".No kidding. Who doesn't? Everybody hates it. In your situation, it's not so much rejection as it is a power struggle that each of you play to get the other to admit fault. It's not your fault, but he's not going to ever see that the problem is him. He's abusive and believes he's entitled. That won't change, you'll never get him to see reality. So in your case, it's a matter of realizing that whether he sees it or not, it is indeed him, hold your head up high, and say, "Fine, whatever. I can't stop you from believing how you believe.", and let it go. Walk away knowing in the end it doesn't matter what he believes, what matters is you're not in that destructive hell anymore. (note: I am not talking about verbally saying this to him, just playing it out in your mind is all you need -- verbally saying it to him will do no good anyway and the contact will do harm.)

"I hate feeling like he is doing so much better and he doesn't even care at all."Paragraph #2:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlcouplescou/?msg=8811.74

Paragraph #1:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlcouplescou/?msg=8811.40

"I wish that we could have parted ways by hugging each other good-bye or something like that."Relationships very, very rarely end with hugs. Certainly abusive, destructive, dysfunctional relationships do not end that way. Hugging good-byes are done by rational, emotionally healthy individuals who recognize that the relationship is not right for them despite the fact that they have feelings for each other. They are able to say good bye in this manner and move on away from the relationship. None of that describes either of you. Even if it did, that kind of ending doesn't happen much outside of the movies.

"I hate that we pretty much broke up by email and phone calls."You broke up in person, by phone, by email and started back up in person, by phone, by email. You've done it every way possible. It doesn't matter what the method was, the fact is no matter how it ended you did everything in your power to get right back into it. You're doing it still.

Your choices Myrinalyn, each and every one of them.

LETTING GO OF HARMFUL RELATIONSHIPS


“Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert




Edited 6/28/2005 9:43 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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