I moved out, he dumped me & it hurts :(
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I moved out, he dumped me & it hurts :(
| Tue, 05-10-2005 - 5:08pm |
Even though I am depressed sad and miserable, I felt that most people here would be happy that I am finally gone.

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You are partially right on this viewpoint. Actually you are completely correct on this viewpoint "BUT" what seems to always happen is that he'll come over tonight & gril burgers, get you complacent, and then do his deeds on the weekends.
I just read another post that you wrote to someone else - and your post was wonderful. I do believe that you called him your "ex" boyfriend now. You just need to keep believing that and stay strong.
Some how - I have the fear that he will definitely cause you to become confused again. Doing something so sweet and domestic like grilling burgers together can do that. But what you've got to keep in the front of your mind is the all night bar excursions, the flirting with other women, the bathroom incident, and most importantly the "physical" abuse. I know there's nothing that any of us can say to stop you from seeinghim tonight, so please just keep those things in your head. He's not going to change for you - just remember that.
Good luck tonight sweetie!
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
You said: "Every time we have broken up, like the beginning of this post, I think that it is over and cry and cry for hours on end. Then, he calls and it gives me hope for some reason. Even though we don't resolve a thing and he doesn't apologize. " Gives you hope for what Myrinalyn? You've seen the exact same actions from him for the last four years, it's a cycle and you've seen it before. Surely you recognize by now that that "hope" will be replaced with the same things that always come after it. The only real "hope" you have is that it'll repeat again, just like it always has. I know you recognize it's the same as you know that nothing's ever resolved (which clearly demonstrates that there is no improvement or forward movement in your relationship, it's the same brick walls, dead ends and dysfunctional cycles over and over and over again) and he never apologizes. Of course he doesn't apologize, he doesn't think he needs to. Not only that, he makes sure to blame you for whatever the problem is, as far as he's concerned, it's all your fault, what does he have to apologize for? No, he's not right, but it's what he thinks.
His confusing behavior (saying he wouldn't go out if it meant the end of your relationship but then acting like there was nothing wrong with his going. Suggesting seeing you later, then changing his mind when you agreed. It's not so confusing. It's typical actions and behavior of an abusive man. He pulls an attitude of he's right, the previous conversation never existed and makes you feel like you're confused, misunderstood or totally nuts to have thought it would like he said in the beginning. No, I don't think he coldly calculates what he plans to do to mess you up, but it is exactly the behavior or abusive men, they don't plan to do it, it's part of what makes them abusive. Does that make sense? The invitation to get together that's quickly reversed is another ploy to confuse you, keep you off your feet, make you anxious that you need to "be good" or he'll not want to see you ever. It keeps you unsure and unsettled and keeps him very much in control of you. Because these things seem to keep going by you without you recognizing them at all (except recognizing that they confuse you and don't make sense), are you reading the book? All this is plainly explained right there in it. Easy to read, easy to understand, makes sense and you've got to see him and you in most of the pages, your relationship is so classically abusive that it screams from nearly every page.
What he says is attempts to brainwash you, Myrinalyn. He says you should trust him, he could cheat anywhere, it's your problem because you don't trust him. Trust is earned and he's done nothing but show that he cannot be trusted. He acts inappropriately with you there, how could you be expected to trust him when you're not? It would be unreasonable, unwise, illogical and irrational to do so! I could go on about the other statements he made, but the bottom line is this is more classic abusive behavior and thinking on his part. He believes you're wrong and he's right, he's entitled to anything and everything he wants to do, regardless of what that is and it's your job to accept it and be happy with it. It's the way abusers think. Everything you mention only illustrates that he's abusive. He's abusive Myrinalyn. It's not you, it's him. Your the sane one, he's not, even when he tries to convince you you're stupid and ridiculous to think what you're thinking, or that you're out of line not to trust him or that this is your fault because if you did trust him there would be no problem, it's him not you. He's abusive. He'll be abusive as long as he's with you and when you leave he'll find another woman and he'll treat her the exact same way. Exact. He' abusive. This is not going to change. You've battled and wrestled with the same issues for four years, it will not change. He will never be who you want, he will continue to be who he is, as he's showing you. This is who he is Myrinalyn.In your second post you said, "I just don't know if we are trying to work it out or settling to not be alone. If we love each other but still want different things. I don't know now if I am suppose to give this some more time or what. You're confused because you're dealing with an abusive man and abusive men change from bad to good in order to keep you just as you are -- confused and hoping things will continue to be sweet and good. You're allowing him to manipulate you by agreeing to see him and "playing" girlfriend and boyfriend. You said, "What are we doing? What am I doing? Easy. He's manipulating you to maintain control and you're allowing him to do it by letting him come over, listening to him and going into your usual cycle of hoping/expecting things are *really* going to be different this time. Aren't you tired of the merry-go-round that never, ever gets you anywhere but exactly where you've been and will continue to go through the same cycle where you are encouraged and hope, followed by confusion then hurt, then disappointment and sadness, soon to be followed by you being encouraged and hoping yet again? It's the same dance, just the words change a little. Surely you recognize the pattern. "I am more confused yet, I still know what I want and desire." The confusion I think you understand by now. Still knowing what you want and desire is a good thing, it says you're getting stronger and aren't so sucked into his web of manipulation. Hang onto that and refuse to settle for less than what you want and need. You deserve it and you should have it. You just can't have it with him because no part of what you want or desire is abuse or an abusive partner. He's not part of your future, he's a part of your past.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Plain and simple -- stop seeing him, stop talking to him, stop emailing him. NO CONTACT! Remember: LETTING GO OF HARMFUL RELATIONSHIPS ; just reading it isn't enough, you've got to do it!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
How does this sound for an email to my boyfriend. Please be honest and tell me if I sound self-righteous which I am not and certainly do not want to come across that way.
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
I realize that in my last post that was
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
You wrote: I feel that I wouldn't get anywhere with that and I can at least discuss intelligently enough on what we at least agree on as one of the things that is a major struggle in our relationship.
Agreed. But what is it that you "both" agree on as the major struggle in your relationship? If it's "TRUST", the problem is that you both have two very different views on trust. He thinks you don't trust him - but he's not owning up to being the cause of your dis-trust. Doesn't he see that if he behaved differently, you would be more trusting?
And on your part - you want him to behave differently so you can trust him but are frustrated because he won't change. Is that it in a nutshell?
It's exactly as CL has said in the past. He feels "entitled". It's part of the abuser's pattern.
So basically - talking and/or emailing will not do anything to someone who refuses to accept ownership over his actions.
Myrinalyn, this is all stuff you've said to him before, over and over. What is the point of saying it again? I read your post, the message you asked us to read and give feedback on, the message you're sending is "Please change and be who I want you to be."
You didn't mention the abuse in your note because you didn't think you'd get anywhere mentioning it. So what does that mean, that you'd be willing to accept the abuse if he'd change everything else? Is being treated with love and respect, being treated without abuse not important to you? If it is, then what's the point of going through this begging process anyway (which is what the note is)? Don't you matter more than that to yourself?
Do me a favor. take a piece of paper and run a line straight down the length of it. On one side, make a list of all the things that are wrong with him for you, add everything, even if it seems petty or kind of like something else you've already put on the list (for instance screaming at you would be different from pushing you, it would also be different than intimidating or threatening you; in other words, don't be general, be specific. On the other, make a list of all the things that are right with him for you. Let me know what you come up with.
Your ex-boyfriend is not going to change, not the way he chooses to live and not the abuse. You've been with him for four years and have had that four years to see the pattern quite clearly. You know nothing's changed, your relationship hasn't grown, you just keep spinning through the same cycle of ugliness, honeymoon back to ugliness. No improvement, no growth. Relationships have to grow to be good and successful but abusive relationships don't grow, they can't, there's no change, no forward movement, just abuse of one partner toward the other.
If you're going to send a note, send an honest one. "Please change and be who I want you to be." Of course, relationships aren't about one person changing either, they're about both people being like-minded, with morals, values, beliefs and goals that agree and compliment each other. People are not Play Doh, you can't take a guy and mold him into what you want him to be. He's already what he wants to be. Molding doesn't work, you have to find the guy who doesn't need to be molded to be what you want.
Have you started the book yet? I hope you enjoy your group. When's your appointment with the abuse therapist, it's this week isn't it?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Please help me.
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
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