I need advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
I need advice!
4
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 12:53am
I have been dating my current boyfriend for over a year now and we are very much in love. When we first started dating, he had naked magazine pics of girls on his walls that didn't really bother me that much at the time. We then moved in together and the pictures didn't come back, but he began looking at porn on the internet. We talked about it, I am still not okay with the idea, but i have not caught him looking at it anymore. REcently I moved back home to save up some money so we could buy a house and now that I am gone, some pictures have come back and I found a porn video in his car. I know that porn is something that men like to look at, but it makes me feel inadequate. And in the same respects I do not feel I have the right to tell him to stop. Is this something I should be worried about or am I just letting this get to me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: couvills
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 2:24am

Welcome to the board, Couvills ~ I assume your question about whether or not it's something to worry about you're wondering about a porn addiction? Whether it is or not, there's a deeper issue at hand. The fact that you do not agree with porn use and he does. That points quite strongly to a difference in morals and values, you don't think it's acceptable, he does. You aren't wrong and neither is he, but it's not something you're ever going to agree on and it's not something either of you are ever going to change. You say it makes you feel inadequate and you've told him so (assume that's what you meant when you said you'd talked about it), and yet he continues to use porn. If you don't agree with it's use, if you don't want it to be in your life (and you absolutely have that right) then you'll have to find a boyfriend who's values and morals agree with yours; you'll have to find a boyfriend who doesn't use porn. Maybe you think that's impossible, but it's not, not at all.


I wonder what conclusion you came to when you talked. You said you didn't feel right telling him to stop viewing it (and I agree, it's not your right to dictate what he chooses to do or what he feels is right), but you didn't say what agreement you reached in your talk? You also said he had naked pictures on his walls, that's typically a pretty young and immature thing to do, how old is he? How old are you? You also said that porn makes you feel inadequate, is this the only area you feel inadequate in or are you insecure in other areas as well? I ask that to get a feel for how confident and sure of yourself you are in general.


I know you don't want to hear this, but I would really urge you not to make any future plans (buying houses, etc.) with him until you've dealt with this problem and put it to rest. Moving forward tying yourself financially with a guy who you have a serious problem like this with is not a wise move. Don't get yourself into something you'll regret, don't do that to yourself.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: couvills
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 8:56am

Obviously it bothers you enough that you haven't been able to just put it aside. I also know the prevalent thought process that it's normal and right and everything for men to view porn. I don't agree with that and there are other people who don't. So, you aren't WEIRD or "out of line" or "abnormal" for not liking that your BF uses porn.

I'm not going to tell you what to do about it because I don't know how much it bothers you or if you feel it's something you can adjust to. For me, porn is a total dealbreaker, even now and having been married for as long as I have. Porn=cheating for me and my DH knows and agrees with that. You have to decide what porn means for you.

GL.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
In reply to: couvills
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 1:19pm

Hi,

I think all guys like to fantasize about being with other women. It is human nature that over time people grow tired of the same thing.

For example, let's say I loved (I don't know) peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Let's say I loved it soooo much that I vowed to never eat another kind of sandwich again. After a few years of nothing but peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, everytime I see a cheeseburger my mouth will start to water! But I pledged my love and will not cheat! Well, this is the time to try and spice things up! Like maybe extra jelly or wheat bread instead. But no matter what, it is still a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!

Next thing you know everyday when I get home I turn on the cooking channel to see all the sandwiches that I cannot eat. I'm NOT cheating I am just appealing to my natural desire for other sandwiches by looking!

Truth is...my x-bf used to indulge in porn all the time! At first it bugged me, but then I realized...As long as he wasn't go to the gentlemen's clubs or sneaking around with other women it was FINE with me!

I think it's much better to know your man is at home looking at porn than to NOT know where he is, doing God knows what, with you know who!

Just my opinion!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
In reply to: couvills
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 8:17pm

Most men look at porn to some degree. However, it does become detrimental in a relationship when he is so focused on porn that it interfers with your relationship e.g. he spends so much time looking at porn he is neglecting you or when he prefers looking at porn than having sex with you. Those are the signs of a porn addiction and it can be detrimental to a relationship. You have to let him know it bothers you and ask that he not look at it , especially if you're there. You need to find a happy equilibrium. If you can't, then maybe you should find a guy who is not that attached to his porn. Porn has a different significance to different guys. My husband had a porn addiction whereby he would choose looking at porn over having sex with me. He used to surf for porn whilst I was sleeping in bed next to him!! I told him it was me or the porn. Except for one relapse period, he has stopped looking at porn. You need to find a happy compromise with him. Talk it over with him.

Curious