I need advice on an ex-stepson situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2006
I need advice on an ex-stepson situation
8
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 1:45pm
I don’t know if my feelings are justified: My SO has been divorced for sometime now, and they were only together for a little over a year before she cheated on him with a co-worker. But his ex-stepson is still in the picture. His ex-stepson doesn’t really have any strong father figures in his life, and his mother is kind of a flake. She is in the middle of a midlife crisis–kind-of-a-situation and wants to be her children’s friend instead of a parental figure. So, anyway, the step so has been staying at my SO’s a lot lately. He calls all the time and shows up out of the blue. Now, I’m all for my SO stepping in and helping his ex-stepson. I think it shows some pretty strong character on his part, and I love him for being such a strong man. However, when the ex-stepson is over, my SO puts distance between him and I. (Both physically and emotionally). I could deal with the distance while the boy is around – I won’t expect my SO to be all over me, as that just wouldn’t be appropriate, but even for a few hours after his ex-stepson leaves it takes him a while to get back to himself again. My SO doesn’t notice the space in between us, and he doesn’t act like this after being around anyone else. I’ve tried to be patient regarding the whole thing, but now it is starting to hurt my feelings. Do you have any advice? Or is anyone going through, or been through a similar situation?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 1:57pm

leopardlace83,

If you feel comfortable enough could you give us some examples of what you are experiencing??

Thanks,
Defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 1:58pm

Hi leopard,


What does your SO say when you bring this up to him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2006
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 3:13pm

Hi all, thanks for your quick replies!

We've been together for almost a year. I haven't told him that it hurts me, but I've told him about how he distances himself. I know the distancing is not intentional, because whenever the issue comes up he looks almost confused / quizzical.

As an example: Last night we were sitting on the couch watching TV, and his ex-stepson comes over unannounced, and instantly my SO is like shrapnel. He literally jumps up off the couch and spent the rest of the evening standing on the other side of the room, and whenever I'd move to another location, he moves farther away from me. It happens every time his ex-ss comes over. Sometimes it's less apparent, sometimes it's not.
As another example: after his ex-ss leaves, my SO is completely quiet, and off in his very own La-La Land. When I ask him what's on his mind he either smiles and says "nothing" or tells me how he worries about his ex-ss and how his ex-wife is treating her son.

He seems almost melancholy. My SO is a naturally affectionate man. But he usually won't touch me until he gets out of this mood. I don't feel he is hiding anything from me, and I try to help him by listening, making him feel loved and appreciated, and I try to see the situation from his eyes and his ex-ss's eyes. I know he loves me, and isn't meaning to ostracize me or make me feel awkward about the situation, but I can't help feeling hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 3:44pm
There could be any number of reasons why he jumps away from you when the boy comes over.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 5:20pm

My thoughts here were that it's uncomfortable for him to be around his ex-SS and you at the same time. He lived with the SS, he was married to his mother, he was affectionate then probably. Now there is someone else and it could be throwing him off. It could also be that it brings up a lot of memories of the X and the marriage and having another woman there during that time doesn't work for him. I don't know, I'm just throwing out ideas.

That he returns to normal fairly quickly could just be him switching gears. It can take me awhile to switch out of "mom mode" and into "wife mode". Maybe it's the same type of thing for him. I dunno.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2006
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 6:16pm

Is the boy aware of your SO's relationship with you? Yes. He says he is fine with it, and is glad my SO has found someone to make him happy and who will love him like he deserves. He's pretty mature for just turning 13.

Do you and your SO live together? Not yet, but my SO keeps asking me to move in.

Do you have a friendship with the boy yourself? When my SO and I were just hanging out as friends a while back, the boy was fine with me. We played games together, etc. (He is actually friends with my youngest brother.) But when my SO and I got more serious, the situation got more awkward too. The boy has told my brother that he thinks I'm "cool", and likes how happy my SO seems.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 10:50pm

My thought would be that while SS is there your SO feels awkward showing feelings for another woman that he used to show for his mother. Putting myself in your SO's situation, I think I'd feel awkward myself. The quiet distance once he's gone I'd think would be not only thinking about SS and how his mother is treating him (it sounds like that's a very valid concern) but I would think it's very likely that he feels guilty for not still being with his mother (illogical, yes, but feelings aren't always based on logic), if he were still with his ex-wife, SS wouldn't be going through this.


BUT, we can all throw out suppositions and guesses about why he's acting this way when in fact, the only one who can really answer this is your SO. He's already told you that his quietness is about being concerned about SS, perhaps he's not feeling guilt about not still being in the marriage, and perhaps he is and is hesitant to share that with you. That, I think, would be understandable too.


He can't deny the drastic differences if you call his attention to them immediately after SS leaves, attempts at denial can be easily squashed by the examples right in front of you. Sometimes it's a matter of asking the hard questions and refusing to take an answer that's not plausible. That could give way to a conversation about all his feelings on the subject. You might throw out a few suggested feelings to let him know it's okay to talk about them if that's the case, such as, "Maybe you're feeling a little guilt about not being with his mother anymore, maybe you feel like if you were, he wouldn't be going through this. If you did, I think it would be perfectly understandable." You said that your SO has asked you to move in with him, if it's something you're considering, I would absolutely have to have this problem resolved between the two of you before I'd agree to that. By resolved I don't necessarily mean that he no longer feels uncomfortable, but I do mean that you've discussed the issue fully, have a clear understanding of what's at play here and are comfortable with the situation, as well as your SO being comfortable discussing the issue with you.


I may have said all of that too soon, there are actually a few questions I have, and the answers may enter in. You said you've been together with your SO for a year, how long has he been divorced? How long before the divorce did he actually physically separate from his wife? What kind of separation did they have, amicable, ugly, back and forth???







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 7:22pm

I would wait a little while and see if the situation improves.

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