I need some ideas
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I need some ideas
| Fri, 05-13-2005 - 5:42pm |
My husband of 5 years and I are at a cross-roads in our relationship. He found out some things about my past (WAY past) that he didn't like. Some of the things, I had lied to him about (not wanting him to find out how many guys I slept with)... Anyway, we are trying to work things out, and start a new path for us together.
I need some help with ideas to keep our relationship fresh, and ways for me to show him that I want things to work between us. He won't give me any help -- he doesn't want to give me the answers, he wants me to find them for myself. I don't know how to show him how much I love him, other than the "normal" ways -- keeping the house clean, making his dinners, doing his laundry, making love to him when he wants (most of the time!). How do I go about showing him that I do love him and how do I keep things exciting and new?
I feel so dumb asking a question that seems so obvious. I am truly a dumb-ass here!!!
I need some help with ideas to keep our relationship fresh, and ways for me to show him that I want things to work between us. He won't give me any help -- he doesn't want to give me the answers, he wants me to find them for myself. I don't know how to show him how much I love him, other than the "normal" ways -- keeping the house clean, making his dinners, doing his laundry, making love to him when he wants (most of the time!). How do I go about showing him that I do love him and how do I keep things exciting and new?
I feel so dumb asking a question that seems so obvious. I am truly a dumb-ass here!!!

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I'm a little confused by your post, because it doesn't seem like "keeping things fresh" is the real issue here. Isn't the real issue him losing trust for you because of your lies? If so, then the way for him to regain trust isn't really for you to do little things to show him you love him (although that would be a nice thing to do), it's for you to show him through your behavior that you are trustworthy despite your lies. And that means being totally honest and open with him, not keeping anything from him, and *always* keeping your word to him, without fail.
Sheri
Welcome to the board, Bld4fun ~ I agree with Sheri (Northwestwanderer) that keeping your relationship "fresh" isn't addressing the issues you're facing in your marriage at all. Honestly, what you describe sounds more like ways for you to grovel to him, thereby satisfying his desire for revenge, or something along those lines.
I realize everyone's different, but I guess I don't see how this new discovery is such a big deal. Has he doubted your fidelity in the five years you've been married or in the time you were together before that? Did you actually lie in the number you gave him or did you not offer the information on your past? (Past relationships are not necessary to reveal, they're no one's business but your own and often cause problems -- it seems the people who most often ask for your sexual history are the very people who can't handle what they hear. I guess maybe because those who can handle it don't ask because it's not a big deal to them) I'm having a hard time understanding why this is such a big deal to him and why it's thrown him for such a loop. Why is he doubting your relationship now based on things that occurred before he knew you and how does that affect who you are as a person now? If it's the lie itself he has a problem with, how long ago was it that you had this confessional about past sexual experiences? How did he "find out" that the number you gave him before was wrong? Let me know so I can better understand this and be better able to make suggestions, okay?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
He also says that I'm not trying hard enough to make things work between us. I'm not exactly sure what he means. He says I'm not trying to show him that I want to be with him. I don't know how to do that.
We have started something new (every day) that when I get home from work, he has the stereo on and we have a dance, or two. It's wonderful to come home to him and be in his arms! I'm trying to think of ways to make him happy on a daily basis, and I can't come up with those wonderful little things like he does. He's home all day and can think of these things while I'm gone. I'm just trying to get ideas to show him I do love him.
What doesn't make sense though is that he doesn't trust you now -- today. I assume he doesn't think think you've been cheating on him during your marriage, you've shown yourself to be an honest, trustworthy person for these five years, so why is this such a big deal? You said he can no longer put you on a pedestal, but first of all, if he knew you'd slept with other men at all outside of marriage there is no pedestal to be on, and secondly, no relationship, no individual can survive being on a pedestal, it's too much to expect. No one's perfect and you cannot maintain the perfect status that's required to be on a pedestal. It's guaranteed that the person on the pedestal will disappoint the person who's put him or her there, "perfect", "pedestal" status cannot be maintained. Not by us mere mortals, anyway.
I understand you are very distraught and beside yourself in this and I know it's hard/impossible to think or see clearly when you're in the middle of it all. But can you see that he's betrayed you as well? Do you not feel at all angry, violated or indignant that he'd betray your privacy by reading your private journal? You have every right to be, he's violated your privacy and he had not right to do that. The thing that's of concern here is that what he's demanding of you has nothing to do with what you've "done" to him. At no time was your love in question, so how can "proving your love" help repair this? It was never in question, never the problem. Does that make sense to you?
It honestly sounds like he's angry and trying to make you perform as punishment and that's not right. In your last post you say that he demands you come up with things to "prove your love", but that you're not as good as he is at coming up with ideas. That further sounds like he's trying to punish you by demanding you come up with things, knowing you can't do as good a job as he can. You'll fail miserably and he'll show you what great ideas he can come up with. Punishment. Sadistic pleasure. It sounds like he likes to see you twist. What was your relationship like before this "awful" discovery? How were disagreements and problems handled? How did he treat you when upset, and was he easily upset or disappointed by you? It's important to know. Why does he stay home all day, doesn't he work? What is your situation like?
In all honesty, this sounds like an abusive situation. I'd really urge you to check in with the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board for their thoughts and help, what do you think?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Well, I'm not sure if he thinks I have been cheating on him or not the whole time we've been married -- I HAVE NOT! I did that once (I was separated) and I won't do it again! I have told my husband that over and over again. But by what he read in my journals (from so long ago), he thinks there's a pattern already set. I cannot convince him that I have changed and that I would never do that again. I saw what it did to everyone involved, and I just wouldn't let it happen again. He doesn't believe me. Why should he?
I have pushed so many of those memories that were written down in my journals so far out of my head, that Id idn't remember half of them that he told me about. Obviously they were important at that time, but I've aged 15 years since then, and it is no longer important. Am I pissed off that he read my journals? Yes I am. What good is it doing me? He says he would STILL be in the dark about those things if he never would have read them, and he'd still have this ideal of me; now it's shattered. I told him that I never meant for him to find and read those journals. They were mine; my personal thoughts on things. He has now read them and throws it all back in my face. He's called me a slut and a whore in the last few weeks, and it kills me.
I can understand his anger -- I lied to him. However, I have NEVER given him reason to think that I would cheat on him at all during our marriage. I have NEVER given him a reason to think anything like that at all. We are getting ready for our vacation in June -- we were going to renew our vows -- now I'm not sure if that's even going to happen. I am sick to my stomach about this.
He thinks there is something else that I'm hiding from him. There is nothing. At least nothing that I can think of that would be as big as anything he's found out about my past. He says it may be a small thing, but he thinks there is still something I'm lying to him about. There is absolutely NOTHING I can think of in my mind that I'm lying to him about. How do I convince him of that? He won't accept anythign I tell him anymore. Again, why should he?
I have been out to the Domestic Abuse boards before. I have even posted. Our relationship has not always been the best. I have a child by my first husband, and there's issues there that my new husband can't get over. The way custody issues were/and still are handled. He has no say, and it just eats at him. I am having a hard time with all of this, and I'm wondering if it's time to walk away? There's nothing I can do to change his mind; nothing I can say to make him think any differently. If I leave, maybe he can go on to someone better, someone who he thinks is "perfect", and try to start again. But, we're both pushing the big 4-0, and he doesn't think he'll stand a chance! Yeah, we've had that conversation!!
The issue today was his birthday (coming up shortly). I know how he hates to waste money, and we've already paid for half our vacation, so I called to ask him if he wants to do a party, or something else for his big birthday. He had a fit! He caled me stupid, that I couldn't figure it out for myself. If it was special, I would have just planned something for him. I know if I would have planned something for him without his knowledge, he would have had a fit on the money I spent! If I took him to dinner, just the two of us, he wouldv'e bitched about wasting money, and how much better a steak at home would've been. I can't seem to win. I told himm that's why I called, to get an idea of what he might want. He said he wouldn't tell me, and now not to do anything for him, because it wouldn't be special. I am shaking...
Sorry for the long post. I need to vent, and now I need to go blow my nose.... Thanks for listening.
Here's what I think. He does not have a right to be mad at you, I don't know the number you told him or the number it actually was, but the truth is none of it matters. It's ancient history and in truth you weren't obligated to tell him anything at all. If you didn't give him the actual number because you thought he'd flip out, it looks like you were right to hedge. If you didn't give him the actual number because you were embarrassed of what the number actually was, that's your prerogative. Bottom line is it was none of his business to begin with and while he says you've "lied to him all these years", that's bull. You lied to him once -- and it was many years ago. And it was none of his business to begin with. If I've got my numbers right, these incidents he's talking about occurred ten years before you met him. Sorry, but what you did then -- even if it was a year before you met him -- has nothing to do with the person you were when the two of you got together and it has nothing to do with who you are now, period. He's out of line and going off on something he has no business being upset about. It's none of his business now and it was none of his business then. Yep, if he hadn't read them he'd still have no idea and it would still not make a damn bit of difference to your relationship or to who you are now -- or who you were when you met for that matter. So, the point he tries to make backfires because what he's saying is that if he didn't know there would be no problem, because there is no problem other than the one he's creating. My point with asking if you weren't angry that he violated your privacy was because your are the only one here who has a legitimate reason to be angry. You should be saying, "To hell with something I did 15 years ago, how dare you invade my privacy! That should be the only topic that's discussed. Instead he's going off being emotionally and verbally abusive to you and you're reacting like as is typical for a woman in an abusive relationship to react, you freak, you panic, you spend all your time trying desperately to figure out how to make this better, how to make him stop, how to sooth him so the ranting the hell, the wrath will stop. That's your only goal because the life you have until this stops is hell. I've been there. You know what you feel and what you think, but you put all that aside just to try and make it stop.
I know you know this, but a great number of marriages are second marriages and include children from a previous relationship. He's far from alone in having little say in visitation, etc. of a child that is biologically not his, a very large portion of the male population is in the same boat. However, very few of them have a problem with it or "can't get over it". It's not an issue to "get over" or to have a problem with. It's life, it's the way it is. And he knew it when he signed on as your husband. If he couldn't handle it he shouldn't have gotten into the relationship with you. He needs to suck it up and deal with it -- like a man. But he won't, because he's abusive. His mindset is not that of a typical man. Not only that, he can make you twist with his upset about it, so there's another reason to be bothered by it, he can torture you with it and be entertained while you run circles trying to figure out a way to appease him while still doing what you need to (and should) by your child and your ex. He's got you coming and going.
He has not reason or right to call you names. They aren't appropriate, don't apply to who you are and are certainly not names anyone who cares for you in any way calls you. It's not okay no matter what the circumstance. It's verbal and emotional abuse. His actions and his words are abusive through and through. You describe it exactly in asking about his birthday. He calls you names and tears you down for your attempt. Like you said, no matter what you'd done it would have been wrong and that's typical of an abusive man. His goal is to make you pay, make you stupid, make everything your fault. No matter what you'd have done it would have been wrong. There is no right. It's your fault, you did wrong, period.
In my opinion? Leaving would be the greatest thing you could do. Abusive men do not get better. Granted, there are always periods of good times and bad times. Good times make you think it's getting better and that it's going to stay better. They keep you stuck where you are while you hope things will go back to the way they were before he became so horrible. You know, the honeymoon period when he was always nice, while he sucked you in thinking he was really the great guy he presented himself to be. He's not. You say if you leave him he could find someone better. No. He would do the same as he did to you, be nice to them until he marries them, or at least until he's got them firmly believing he really is a nice guy, then he'll change and treat them just as he treats you. It's not you sweetie, it's him. He's abusive and he's brainwashing you into believing it's you -- your fault. You are the sane one, you are the right one he is the one who is wrong and at fault. But, you hear the negative, ugly words long enough, live the confused world where nothing you do is right or good enough and you begin to believe it is you. It's not. Leaving would be great. It would give you peace and a healthy, normal world where you could detox from all the awful crap he's filled you with and you'd realize that you really are okay, not bad or wrong or crazy or stupid. You'd see that is was him and you'd be so glad not to be living that hell anymore.
Besides leaving, I still strongly urge you to go back to posting on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board. You need it, it'll be good for you and it'll help you so much. I'd also strongly recommend you read the book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft . It's an amazing book written by a therapist who has specialized in treating men who are abusive for 15 years. He writes the book based on what his clients have taught him about how abusive men think and it's written to help women who are in abusive situations better understand what's going on and how their men are thinking. It'll be incredibly eye opening for you. I'd also like you to take a look at the relationship wheels that can be found in the Information and Resources section of the board under Is Your Relationship Healthy? . Take a look at the healthy (non abusive) wheel as opposed to the unhealthy (abusive )wheel and see which looks most like your relationship. You may find it quite eye-opening as well. I know that when I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage I didn't realize it was abuse. I blamed his outbursts on his bad childhood, etc., but never realized it was abuse. I also got stuck in the cycles, like so many do, thinking every good period meant the relationship was getting better, that he'd stop being horrible and we could go back to being happy again, like we once were. When he'd start up again I'd think that since he'd been so good for so long (weeks) I should be patient and not expect him to be perfect. Of course the bad times would increase, then the cycle would start all over again, and with it, my mind set would go back to the very same cycle it had been on too. I never sw the wheels, never had anyone suggest what was going on was abuse. I wish I'd had better realization then, I'm sure I wouldn't have stayed and been so blind for so long. And I hope you don't know.
Wishing you the best -- peace, serenity and happiness. You deserve all those things, and they're very attainable, but not as long as you stay with your husband.
Also consider calling an abuse hotline just to talk about what's going on in your marriage, see what they have to recommend for you. Better yet, call a local women's shelter and ask for a referral to an abuse counselor (it will be free) talk to the counselor about your relationship and see what s/he suggests to you. If you need numbers to call, let me know and I'll be happy to provide them. Understand that by making these calls or seeing these counselors, you don't have to make any changes -- you don't have to leave your marriage or anything. Just learn more, talk to qualified people and see what they can help you with. You're in a very confusing situation that makes it hard to think clearly, that's typical of abuse. Getting help is a smart, good thing. Especially if you have children. They are growing up in an abusive home and learning to live in abusive relationships. They will almost certainly follow your example by winding up in abusive relationships themselves unless you take steps to change your own sitution. They don't deserve to live like that.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Such wise words! Thank you so my 2nd_life!!! I need to hear that it's not me, because all I ever hear is that it IS me. It IS my fault. I know in my heart that I am not stupid -- I have a well-paying job with the government, I have survived for 39 years without doing something aboslutely horrible to myself or my family (other than this, of course!), and if I'm that stupid, how could that happen?
Thank you so much for the kind words, and the encouragement I need right now! I will definitely take some time to research some counseling for myself, and possibly him later on. I know that any suggestion like that would be taken the wrong way right now. I'll let him cool off some more first! I will also check into the resources you have here on the message boards -- I've taken a peek at a couple of them, and they seem pretty good.
Again thank you for all your help. I will continue to post and also lurk where I can, hopefully to glean some insight into some other things that might help me get through this!
I just wanted to say that having read your additional posts, I now agree with other posters that your SO is in the wrong about this. Unless you have a pattern of lying to him (which it doesn't sound like you do), he needs to let ancient history go.
I hope counseling helps.
Sheri
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