I need some opinions please

Avatar for loveleigh2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
I need some opinions please
12
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 3:10pm

A brief background is necessary here so here it goes:

I have been married for 8 yrs. I married the wrong by alot man. I pretty much knew this since the day we got married in front of the JOP. But I was pregnant and loved him in a sick way. So now we have two daughters. We have been seperated for 8 months. And are currently waiting on a court date for out divorce. I gave 110% to this marriage and he gave nothing. I haven't had feeling for him in years.

So now about 3 months ago I met the man of my dreams! Completely unexpected! We are so in love it is insane. He treats me like a queen and is such a wonderful person. He is everything I have ever wanted in a man. Of coure I am technically still married and we live 1 1/2 away from eachother. I see him every other weekend and every Wednesday. The kids don't know about him and it will stay that way till after the divorce is final. The only catch here is that he has a drinking problem. He knows this and went to a meeting with a sponsor this morning. He said he has to get his life on track not only for himself but for me and the girls. He wants to be with me through this. I love him and want to be
with him. But can I really trust that he is going to get the help he needs? Should I even be considering this? He is such a good man except for this one flaw (and it is not small)

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 4:58pm

As someone who is divorced (and got into a bad 4 year rebound relationship) and who has 12 years of sobriety, I would advise that you take a big step back for the time being to allow you the chance to move on from your marriage (and even though you know it's for the best, finalizing your divorce will still have some emotional impact on you) and him to get through the initial phase of his recovery. I would either stop seeing each other for now or at least pull way back to more of a "friends" type relationship until he's been sober for *at least* 3-6 months. The recommended time frame is actually a year so keep that in mind.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 5:20pm
I think the fact that you posted on this board shows that you have SERIOUS doubts about this man. Do you really want you and your children to take on his problems?
Avatar for loveleigh2000
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 5:53pm
The crazy thing is that I was born and raised with an alcoholic so I have seen first hand what it can do to a marriage and a family. I truly believe that he understands his problem and what he has to do.to help himself. The only doubt I have about him is where his drinking is concerned. I can't leave him right now. I just can't. I have thought about it being a rebound and it is not even close to it. I don't plan on marrying him anytime soon. But I still want to continue to see him romantically and as my best friend. Because that is what we are. But why do I feel like I am setting my heart up for failure? And then on the other hand I feel this need to trust him and try and see this through to a certain extent. Make any sense?? Am I a complete idiot for not just running away from this situation as fast as I can? Blind love? I just want to do what is right for my girls.I know in my heart that he will be a devoted and loving husband and stepdad one day. Just not today.

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Registered: 09-19-2002
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 6:32pm
Why DO you feel like you're setting your heart up for failure?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 6:36pm

Well, as far as rebounding goes, it's pretty rare for someone to actually realize they are rebounding. You think you're fine as far as that goes (I know I sure did!) until you realize with 20/20 hindsight that you were nowhere NEAR fine. But by then it's too late.

As far as his getting sober and taking a break from your romance goes, if this is meant to be, then what's 6 months? What's the rush? If it's real, it'll still be there then, and stronger for him taking the time to focus on getting sober (the first year is HARD!).

Given your history, I'd say taking a step back is even MORE important than it would be if you didn't have that history, because being in a relationship with an alcoholic is going to seem "right" to you, even though you didn't like it growing up.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 7:22pm

Loveleigh - stop and take a rational look at this.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for loveleigh2000
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 8:41pm

WOW! cl-2nd

That was exactly what I needed to hear. You are so right in so many ways. And northwestwanderer you were right about my childhood experiences with an alcoholic father will do me more harm than good.
I see what all of you are saying and I appreciate all of your words of wisdom. But why is it that I can't seem to let go of him? There is just something about this man that I can't completely cut all ties with him.
I have to tell you guys that he went to rehab about 4 months ago. He was going and doing very well with it. I did not know him then. That is all I do know about it. I have so many questions for him. Ones he probably cannot answer.
How will I ever completely get to know him if I do take off at this point. I am in the middle of trying to find a job so that I can relocate down to where my family is. I know I need my family right now. I definetly cannot tell my mom about this part of him. She would be pissed that I am even looking his way anymore. The difference between him and my dad though is that he is 31 and realizing that he can't and doesn't want to live like this. My dad didn't realize till he was 50 yrs old.
I don't know. I guess I am just confused now that this problem has just arised. I think now I will for sure slow things down tremendously!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 9:43pm
Loveleigh, a relationship that you cannot be honest about is one that isn't right, period. If you have to hide a part of it from people, if you cannot be honest about it, it's wrong. Don't go there, don't do that. Be open and honest or don't do it, but hiding and lying is not what you want to start doing.


He went to rehab four months ago and is just now going to a meeting? Any of the rehabs I'm aware of require meetings as a course of treatment. That would mean he stopped going to meetings - stopped working his recovery like he needed to do. Did he relapse during his time after rehab? These are not good indicators, Loveleigh.


I think therapy will help you with a lot of this.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 10:42pm
Loveleigh I just had a thought, I don't know why I didn't think of it before. You asked why is it you can't let go of him. I'll give you an example from my own life and I wouldn't be surprised if it isn't true for you too.


Often when we leave a dysfunctional relationship we are craving some element that was missing in that relationship. We are hugely attracted to someone who possesses that quality, but the problem is, because of our huge craving and need for this element, the people we're attracted to have an unhealthy amount of this element -- waaaay too much. We don't see that because we need so much. Think of yourself as a sponge that's in need of this element. We stick with a guy who has this huge over-abundance of this element and we soak it up happily. I think that may be why you're so drawn to him. I don't know what your need is; for me it was someone who could have a discussion who could discuss and disagree about issues, someone who had an opinion. Seems silly, but that's what it was for me.

There's a kicker to the story - and to a relationship that contains that dynamic:

Eventually, we're full and the need is satisfied, we've had enough and no longer need that kind of quantity. Unfortunately, the guy we're with is still that same guy who has waaaay too much and he's not going to stop putting out mass quantities of this element because we're saturated, he's being who he is and that's not going to change. What's changed is our need. Now we need a guy who has a normal, balanced amount of this element,and that's not the guy we're with. For me, the healthy discussion I craved turned into the feeling that I couldn't open my mouth without it turning into a debate. It took a friend, who is a therapist, to point out the problem to me. This was before I got therapy myself. I should have done that first. I did do it immediately after and it made a huge difference to my life. My only regret was not having done it sooner.


You'll resolve a lot there, many will be things you don't even realize need to be resolved. You'll be amazed at the difference it will do for you, you'll be thankful you did and you, and your children, will reap the benefits of your having gone.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for loveleigh2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 11:07pm
Okay I had a discussion with him about his past with alcohol. He didn't actually check into rehab. He started going to meetings and had sponsors and was working the steps. He got away from the "drinking buddies" etc. He was sober for 2 months (or as they say 60 days). Then he thought he could handle having a couple of beers here and there. He realizes that he can never have a drop of alcohol again.
I told him that I could be his friend. I told him that I cannot lean on him anymore. And that after he gets his life straight and my divorce is final maybe then we can see about continuing this relationship. He agreed.
Oh and my element is affection. There are so many more like respect, companionship, and attention. But affection is the biggest need. My ex husband never showed me affection. NONE! I mean he would give me silent treatments pretty frequently and we would go months and at one time a year without sex. He just had so many problems mentally. This man that I am seeing now is such an affectionate and emotional man. It's like a breath of fresh air. I can't see me getting tired of it but you make perfect sense. What a great analogy. I can't afford therapy nor do I have the time. But I agree that I really need it.
I really appreciate you taking the time to open my eyes. I am very grateful

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