I need you ladies infinite wisdom

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
I need you ladies infinite wisdom
27
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 2:11pm

Hello everyone. I need imput.

I am 44 years old, never married but I've had a good handful of love relationships in my life that I am grateful for and in my twenties I lived with two individuals.

Soliel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 2:44pm

This is difficult.

I'm also someone who enjoys reading or doing something creative/productive to unwind. SO (who lives with me) prefers to play video games all night. It's a big problem as it is, but it would be insurmountable if he wasn't respectful about it.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 2:54pm

After reading what your bf likes and what you don’t like, I wonder what you two do together that you both like?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 3:22pm
Thank you for your thoughts. We do have some things in common. He is also a big reader but reads late at night (when I am asleep). We are both veg and he is a great cook and makes healthy food, which I appreciate. We are mentally compatible I believe and have similar emotional needs (not exactly but similar). We both love going to book faires, cultural events (many of them veg). But we don't share similar exercise interests (I am active enjoy many types of physical activity, he is sendentary). I trust him a lot...he accepts me for who I am. I also trust him with money issues which is HUGE. I know he doesn't want to take what I have or will ruin me.
I have brought up the recycling stuff to him several times. He says he doesn't have time to put each in a different bag. Ugh. I think he is just lazy and doesn't care enough which is annoying because he likes to think of himself as caring in that way. I separate the trash because it just feels wrong to me to put perfectly recyclable goods in the disgusting trash. I care about the planet and am a responsible to it in any way I can be. I try to live my values. He said "Ok" hinting that he would change but has not.
I do the dishes as a "gift". It started at the beginning when I was super thrilled about him, now out of habit. Oh, also because he tends to pay for stuff when we go out.
I fear you maybe right about me being miserable if it were full time. : ( I am not ready to face that if that is actually true. : ( I really thought this was it, the last relationship for me. I don't know what to think about it now. Sad.
You said it perfectly ...."stresses me out" and "adds pressure". He can be critical, too which has killed the romance.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 3:30pm
We like cultural events, veggie events, books and reading. We like similar foods.
I was attracted to him immediately. Very very attracted. Mostly to his emotional and intellectual self, it went beyond physical. I love his mind...he is very passionate about what he studies. He's very mature and noble and has good values. He is a wealth of information. There is lots of good.
He has been very supportive of me during one of the hardest years of my life when I was scammed three times in one year. He is a businessman so was very helpful in me standing up for myself. Those problems have subsided now, thank God and now thinking about "us".
One other thing I miss is having a man who enjoys physical activity. If you are not in shape, that puts a big damper on the activities/adventures you can enjoy. This means if I want to bike, hike, I will probably have to do it alone. And it's less sexy for sure...less exciting a life in front of the tv. It bothers me because I am still young and healthy. I don't want to waste my energy in front of the tv. I'd rather have adventures where I can create memories and tell stories. But you have to be in shape for these things.
One way I am dealing with it is trying to incorporate these things into my life anyways, whether is wants to do them or not. For instance, I joined a biking and hiking meetup. I haven't been able to go yet because of time constraints with my bf but I am trying. I also want to meet more people, expand my social life, and he is often negative "oh, that potluck had no one there last time"! I am like "you gotta try, if you don't try nothing with change". So I am taking steps to making MYSELF happier without him.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 3:45pm

One thing that is so hard about this is that in the beginning everything felt so right.

No, not "lust" right but on a deep level.

Soliel
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 4:20pm
Don't want to throw away the relationship? Then why not continue the way you are doing? Enjoy those good times (during the day) with him and do what you enjoy without him.

As I said before, I believe addressing issues that are not issues with your partner is akin to spitting in the wind. It sounds like he is what he is and at that age I would highly surprised if he does change.

I believe that I am not responsible in how other people feel. I can be as respectful and kind as humanly possible and still find those take it the wrong way or get hurt. So insofar as worrying about his feelings, you can only talk in the format of the "I feel/want... " so it is how YOU feel and not blaming him.

Another way of viewing your relationship with him as other people on iVillage has shared, is asking yourself the question of "Can you imagine your life with him X number of years from now or when you are Y age? and if so then what would that look like?"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 4:57pm
Thank you for your thoughts. I will try expressing myself using the "I feel/want..." format. : ) Thank you for sharing that. I think I could be more skillful in expressing how I feel and what I need. Also, will ponder the other question. That one doesn't feel so positive though, at least for now. Sad to say, for some reason I see a future of him becoming more infirm/less able to move and me having to deal with that. It's just coming up. Ugh.
Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2009
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 5:34pm
From your post, I don't know if you wrote this after a night you were especially upset or something, but I got that indeed this relationship is unfulfilling most of the times. I think too relationships should be fulfilling most of the times, but from what you are telling us, this is clearly not the case.

Obviously his TV watching is a big turn off for you. But..... You want him to accept you as you are and understand who you are and let you be yourself yet it is almost as if you expect him to stop watching TV for you. I do understand he has been deceitful (his ad not being really true to who he really is) but you are in lead of your life - every day, you choose to still remain in a relationship with this man. You need to be fair - what you ask him, you need to ask from you as well. So you want for him to respect your choices, you need to respect his.

I understand you because my husband and I somewhat face the same problem (sometimes, not on the same scale as you I have to admit) and what we do as a compromise is I'll sit next to him on the couch while he watches his movie and I read. Could it be something you might want to think about ?

The housekeeping issue made me smile. You say he is successful, so if you ever happen to move in (although it would probably be a mistake given the state of your feelings) make it a condition to hire a housekeeper. As simple as that. Tell him you won't be living in his mess and this is a condition of your moving in. End of the discussion.

And as for the cooking... well what does he do when you are not there ? can't you agree on a certain number of days you will be in charge ? He does his share, you do yours.

I am not sure why you speak of living with him. Plenty of couples are really happy living in separate houses. Why not keeping your own place ? And why do you feel the need to go through his trash to make sure he recycle ? Just another example of how you want him to respect your choices yet you don't really seem to respect his. If he doesn't want to do it, fine, you're at his place. Is it a dealbreaker for you someone who doesn't recycle ?

If you don't work tho, I can see him thinking you ''owe'' him since you won't be paying any rent (I guess ?) or your share of the food and other bills. This is why I think maybe living in separate houses (or maybe, in extremis, living together but with separate finance) would probably a better fit for you. I don't know, do you think he might feel that way ?

Maybe you could both benefit reading '' the 5 love language ''. It seems your speak different love language and soon enough it will come between the 2 of you - maybe he wouldn't walk your dog, but it may be because his love language is not Service. He might show his love and support in another way that you don't understand yet.

So I think the underlying issue to all of this is really communication. You will never find the perfect man to share your life with ; you must decide on what you are ready to compromise or not. Then you need to communicate your feelings in an effective way so your partner can understand and adjust, if necessary. But if you really want to continue this relationship, compromises will have to be made, on both sides.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 9:05pm
Have you spoken to your SO about any of these issues? My dh and I are complete opposites as well. I'm vegetarian, into recycling, social issues etc and my dh is very into excercise. I am not due to my RA. My advice would be to sit down with him and discuss your concerns because all are valid! Most importantly if he is loving and kind hopefully you will be able to work it out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 9:13pm

Of course it's totally up to you to decide whether to 1) keep things as they are, 2) break up, 3) move in w/ him--I'm thinking #3 would be pretty difficult right now w/ the indecision you have.

W/ regard to the TV watching, it kind of reminded me of me & my 2nd exH--he liked to watch TV a lot, which is not what I objected to, but first of all, he's hard of hearing & wouldn't wear his hearing aids, so he liked the TV really loud, which gave me a headache.

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