I read his journal... whoops

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
I read his journal... whoops
15
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 5:11pm
My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and I am completely in love with him. I am aware that I probably put too much emphasis on him within the context of my life lately, and think this has been causing him to pull back. I know this because on the rare occasion that I cancel our plans or am not clingy with me, it seems as though he loses his security and finally behaves how he used to toward me: enthralled, captivated, loving, etc.
Lately he has been acting strange, being rude and making up lies over the most ridiculous, unimportant things. So I finally did something which I KNOW is wrong: read his journal.
In it, he wrote that he didn't know if he could stay with me because our lives are going in different directions, I'm too jealous, etc, and he was contemplating moving on. But this was followed by things (in recent days) about how he couldn't get enough of me, loves me so much, etc. Also, there are three things about three other women- two he met at bars, flirted with, and thought were hot. He wrote that he knew he didn't want to cheat on me, so he didn't. The third is about someone he works with, and he wrote about how attractive she was and how they are flirty with each other but he "doesn't think it will go anywhere." Why would he even consider the possibility
Am I denial for thinking that he's still in love with me? I know that sometimes, he acts like he can't get enough of me, but sometimes he doesn't. And he is like this in other areas of his life too. Also, I have no idea how to confront him, without it being about me invading his privacy. I know it was wrong, no one has to tell me that. And maybe I'm making too big of a deal over him flirting, but it really bothers me. And I reeeeally don't want to tell him that I read his journal, but if it's the only way to fix things I just may.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 5:36pm

I'm thinking that he's flirting because there are certain aspects of the relationship that don't fulfill him. That is; he's seeking what he needs outside the relationship. And quite frankly, it's only a matter of time before he does cheat (even if it's to have an emotional affair - as opposed to physical)

With this in mind, when you read his complaints about the relationship in his journal, did any of it make sense to you? Can you understand why he's feeling unfulfilled?

My thoughts are this: If you think that he's got some valid points regarding why he's unsatisfied, you may want to work on them together. However, if you think he's being unreasonable - it may just be time to call it quits.

If you want to work on things, why don't you start by asking him how he feels about the relationship? If you do it when he's at a not so blissful stage, he may just tell you the stuff he wrote.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 7:55pm

That was one huge mistake you've made.

You've invaded his privacy in a horrible way. I keep a journal and if I found myself in his shoes, it would be over. I don't care what you read in there, really. Doesn't matter.
That was supposed to be his own private area to dump what ever he wants on paper. To put down thoughts so that he can understand them better, etc., etc. That's why one day you read about his insecurities about whether it is going to work and the next you read about how much he loves you. None of those thoughts were meant for you.

I think it is just the opposite...tell him doesn't fix a thing...it would be the end for many that found themselves in his shoes. He has done NOTHING wrong. You have done a horrible wrong. If you tell him, it should be to beg for his forgiveness and to be able to again build trust between you two.

You are lucky too. I have a journal and when going through rough times with an ex, she read mine. I'd written a list of all the things I didn't like about her. She was crushed. I felt no guilt about what I'd written - it was for me and it was my truth and never meant for her to know/read/hear.

If you don't understand just how horrible and wrong it is, you need help. There aren't many worse ways I can think of to invade the privacy of a SO and destroy trust between you two. If you confront him, it should be about your invasion of his privacy - not what was written in there.

I had another girlfriend and she would snoop through everything and anything of mine...email, computer files, old boxed up things, pictures...you name it. Still, in spite of that being who she was, as far as I know, she always respected my RIGHT to privacy when it came to my journal. If not (which I've always suspected), then at least she had the sense to keep it to herself. If she did and kept it to herself I can guarantee it contributed to the end of our relationship just the same. I've never said this to anyone in the years I've been posting on here, but you show little remorse for you invasion of his privacy...yet, you should be ashamed of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 2:04am

I think Aisha's thoughts make a lot of sense, but I have a couple questions for you:


  • Why you didn't you ask him what was going on (with the lies and rudeness)? Or had you?
  • What do you think is the reason behind his rudeness? Why is he lying? Is the lying new?







  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 06-10-2006
    Thu, 06-15-2006 - 10:26am

    Not sure where to start here!

    I'm concerned that he's been lying to you. How did you address that when it happened? That's a major issue in my book! What about the rude behavior? Do you call him out on that?

    Reading his journal was a big no-no. Huge no-no.

    I agree with others who have said that you'd best keep that to yourself and try to forget what you read there. He'd be equally confused if he overheard the conversations you have with your gf's about your relationship.

    I wouldn't confront him about ANYTHING in the journal. You've got plenty of issues thatare out in the open to talk about, and I'd focus on those (the hot and cold routine, the lying, the rudeness, your somethering him).

    Avatar for northwestwanderer
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Thu, 06-15-2006 - 1:58pm

    I disagree with the advice to not tell him...and the reason is, while I probably would break up with someone for doing that, there's a chance that I wouldn't, if I got an understandable explanation, true remorse and a believable promise that it wouldn't happen again. However, if I somehow found out down the road that it had happened, then that would be a complete dealbreaker...doing it is bad enough, but covering it up would be MUCH, much worse, IMO. That takes my choice away from me and treats me like a child who can't make my own decisions...if I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who would read my journal, that's MY perogative. You need to own up to your actions and suffer the consequences.

    But yes, I think you're making too big a deal of what is written in his journal. That's not meant for anyone's eyes but his, and having doubts and ambivalence is something that's normal to express to yourself and work out on paper.

    Sheri

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 05-14-2006
    Thu, 06-15-2006 - 3:01pm

    Snooping in his stuff and he thinks you are too jealous.....hmmm.....sounds like a big case of lack of trust and lack of respect by you. As a man, I actually feel sorry for him, knowing his SO, the women he wants to love, and is trying to love and be faithful to, doesn't trust or respect him at a very basic level, treating him like some sort of child by going through his personal stuff. Seems to me no matter whether you tell him or not this relationship is over. He will find someone that reciprocates his love with real love based on trust and respect....not jealousy and snooping (which I suspect is a major control issue). He appears mature enough to have figured this out, but is struggling with accepting it and making the final decision to break up. IMO You should get yourself some therapy so you don't destroy the next relationship with these behaviors.

    P.

     

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 06-14-2006
    Thu, 06-15-2006 - 8:46pm

    Thought I'd contribute, because I had my journal read by my mother when I was a teenager. Even though now I understand why she did it (she was desperate to find out what was going on with her rebellious daughter), I have NEVER been able to forgive her. Of course, I still love her, and we have a great relationship now, but I don't trust her. This is my MOTHER we're talking about. If a BF did that to me, a breakup would definitely follow.

    I see two separate issues here.

    1. You did not feel comfortable simply asking him what was wrong - instead you chose to get his thoughts indirectly from his journal. When did you stop communicating? Did you think he would lie if you asked, or were you afraid to talk because he might be defensive? This lack of open communication and honesty would be a huge red flag to me - seems like there is not much trust between the two of you.

    2. By reading his journal, you pretty much destroyed the little trust there was - he just doesn't know about it yet. I would say don't tell him, but it is up to you.

    I'd start by openly talking to him about the symptoms that you have noticed without reading his private thoughts, such as him being rude, cold, etc. Ask him if he still wants a committed relationship, if he's willing to work on it with you. Don't get upset if he doesn't seem eager - some separation could be good for both of you right now.

    Good luck!

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-30-2006
    Fri, 06-16-2006 - 4:23pm
    Well, I will agree with the others that it was wrong to read his journal. I keep one, and it wouldn't bother me at all if my fiance read it, but that's just me. I'm very open and don't hide anything from him that he wants to know. However, I do realize most want their personal space and that should be respected. In your situation I probably wouldn't tell him that I read it. I know what I would do. I would get out there, and start doing my own thing. I'd make a little less time for him, and start living your life and having fun. I'm sorry, and I know that others will disagree here but I don't mind my fiance looking, but I feel people actually going out and flirting is wrong whether they act on it or not. While you were disrespectful to him in reading his journal, I think he was to you for flirting. He didn't cheat though so I do give him credit for that. The bottom line is that whether you two stay together or not, you have to be happy living your life. Do your thing, have fun, go out with the girls, whatever it is that you like to do. While I don't agree with flirting when in a serious relationship, if he's going to do it, then I'd show him that it can work both ways. Ok, I probably wouldn't actually go out flirting, but I would show my boyfriend that I am an independent woman, and have my own interests. I'd show him that I love and want him, but don't need him.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 10-06-2003
    Mon, 06-19-2006 - 5:25am
    it is wrong.. but i tink i udstd that she feels detached from him, dunno what he is thinking anymore so she looked in his journal. sometimes this kind of detachment may make someone do something wrong out of desperation to want to find out what's wrong esp when the person refuses to talk about it, jus shut her out.
    hope all works out well for u, bakedzitti.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 06-14-2006
    Mon, 06-19-2006 - 11:15am
    Hi..
    In response to your question, I did confront him about the lies and the rudeness; he apologized but didn't really give any explanation other than his tendency to overcomplicate things.
    The lying is new, as far as I know.
    Someone wrote on here that this relationship is over, and he would find someone who reciprocates his love and trust, etc. Well, up until very recently, our relationship was very much like that and I didn't have a second thought about trusting him. We had been sitting on my computer looking up flights, and he checked his email to get the confirmation. There was a reply from someone about something he had sent, that I don't think he would have opened in front of me except he clicked "next" after the email from the airline. The email was from a woman, describing all of the things she was going to "do" to him. I flipped out and he said it was nothing to worry about; she was married; she was an old friend from college; it was a ridiculous, ongoing, bantering sort of a joke between the two of them. He showed me the email he had sent her and it was just as bad. He had her call me to explain that it was just an innocent joke between the two of them. It took a long time for me to believe it, but I tried. And ever since then we have been fighting over little things, plus the lying and rudeness, etc. Maybe he lies over little things now because I have become so cautious and he doesn't want to have to explain himself? I have found it very difficult to trust him, as much as I want to, and yet, looking in his journal was wrong and desparate. And I'm positive that my trust issues have put a lot of stress on him. I know I should move on and get over it but it's always in the back of my mind and we've talked about it to the point of exhaustion. I know I love him and I really want to get back how we were, before my every thought of him wasn't about what I could lose, but what I could have.

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