I read his journal... whoops

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
I read his journal... whoops
15
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 5:11pm
My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and I am completely in love with him. I am aware that I probably put too much emphasis on him within the context of my life lately, and think this has been causing him to pull back. I know this because on the rare occasion that I cancel our plans or am not clingy with me, it seems as though he loses his security and finally behaves how he used to toward me: enthralled, captivated, loving, etc.
Lately he has been acting strange, being rude and making up lies over the most ridiculous, unimportant things. So I finally did something which I KNOW is wrong: read his journal.
In it, he wrote that he didn't know if he could stay with me because our lives are going in different directions, I'm too jealous, etc, and he was contemplating moving on. But this was followed by things (in recent days) about how he couldn't get enough of me, loves me so much, etc. Also, there are three things about three other women- two he met at bars, flirted with, and thought were hot. He wrote that he knew he didn't want to cheat on me, so he didn't. The third is about someone he works with, and he wrote about how attractive she was and how they are flirty with each other but he "doesn't think it will go anywhere." Why would he even consider the possibility
Am I denial for thinking that he's still in love with me? I know that sometimes, he acts like he can't get enough of me, but sometimes he doesn't. And he is like this in other areas of his life too. Also, I have no idea how to confront him, without it being about me invading his privacy. I know it was wrong, no one has to tell me that. And maybe I'm making too big of a deal over him flirting, but it really bothers me. And I reeeeally don't want to tell him that I read his journal, but if it's the only way to fix things I just may.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 11:30am

P,
Hard as it is to read, I really respect your honesty. But I was wondering if you would read what I just posted:
Hi..
In response to your question, I did confront him about the lies and the rudeness; he apologized but didn't really give any explanation other than his tendency to overcomplicate things.
The lying is new, as far as I know.
Someone wrote on here that this relationship is over, and he would find someone who reciprocates his love and trust, etc. Well, up until very recently, our relationship was very much like that and I didn't have a second thought about trusting him. We had been sitting on my computer looking up flights, and he checked his email to get the confirmation. There was a reply from someone about something he had sent, that I don't think he would have opened in front of me except he clicked "next" after the email from the airline. The email was from a woman, describing all of the things she was going to "do" to him. I flipped out and he said it was nothing to worry about; she was married; she was an old friend from college; it was a ridiculous, ongoing, bantering sort of a joke between the two of them. He showed me the email he had sent her and it was just as bad. He had her call me to explain that it was just an innocent joke between the two of them. It took a long time for me to believe it, but I tried. And ever since then we have been fighting over little things, plus the lying and rudeness, etc. Maybe he lies over little things now because I have become so cautious and he doesn't want to have to explain himself? I have found it very difficult to trust him, as much as I want to, and yet, looking in his journal was wrong and desparate. And I'm positive that my trust issues have put a lot of stress on him. I know I should move on and get over it but it's always in the back of my mind and we've talked about it to the point of exhaustion. I know I love him and I really want to get back how we were, before my every thought of him wasn't about what I could lose, but what I could have.

So, in my defense, I am not jealous, or a "snooper" and we always had this sort of mutual trust and respect that I never worried about until that happened. It really sounded like he was cheating on me, which he alluded to in the letter. But the woman called me and assured me that it was a joke. I still cannot seem to reconcile this; as an involved woman, or if I was married, I can't imagine sending racy emails to someone as a "joke."
If he was lying, I'll never know for sure, and that is what really upsets me and finally prompted me to read his journal. I know it was a terrible thing to do. I have put so much emphasis on him lately because I feel uncomfortable if I don't know where he is or who he's with; something I never cared about before because we both have varied interests and I never thought twice about it if he went out to the bar or something without me. Is there any way that I can save this and get it out of my head, IYO? I want to feel how I always felt with him; confident in our relationship and worry-free. We were always best friends besides lovers, and I feel that the friendship aspect is in a bad decline. help

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 2:08pm

I did not think the stuff you indicated was in the journal was all that bad, especially given it was his journal and not for anyone but him to read. This e-mail thing is a whole other subject IMO and plenty to worry and focus on without having to go snooping through his private world.

He should not be sending sexually explicit e-mail to women. I remember reading something that said basically that the #1 area of risk for cheating is with someone from the past (time creates those rose colored glasses). She is married.....how is that supposed to make you feel better, she can send all manner of explicit e-mail but she would never cheat even if he wanted to...(some really lame logic here)....and irrespective of why he is doing it, what are her true motives in all this. Instead of apologizing and agreeing not to do it anymore, he had her call you.....what is up with that, makes it sound like they are a team. For me even if this NEVER progressed beyond what he admits to, I would NEVER be OK with it.

So now you have BOTH created MAJOR trust issues by betraying this relationship. I don't think either one of you can justify your behavior by pointing to the others.

The more I hear about his behavior the more convinced I am that he has already checked out although may not be ready to consciously admit it.

If it can be fixed it seems that you both need to understand your individual issues that are causing you to behave in these very desructive ways within a relationship. Your individual actions are sending each other the opposite messages that you need to be sending to have a healthy relationship.

In the end you can not make him love you, so you have to focus on what you can control...yourself and your actions, and then make a decision on whether he is the right one for you (is he doing anything to stop these destructive behaviors? is he showing you love, trust, and respect which are the foundations of a healthy realtionship?) and act accordingly. The good news is that if you work through your own contribution to this and do not simply try to justify it based on his actions, then even if it does not work for him, your next relaitonship will be the beneficiary.

Best of luck to you, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 10:53pm

Hold up there, Bakedzitti, I wish you'd mentioned this email at the very beginning of your posting, it's very important and throws a completely different light on everything. Not that it justified snooping, it doesn't. However, it does give you every reason to be have your trust and confidence in him and in your relationship blown to smithereens. No kidding you had a hard time believing him. Who wouldn't? His explanation doesn't sound too plausible. If there's one thing I've learned it's that when things don't seem to make sense, when you're struggling to make yourself accept something that doesn't add up, it's not you. The reason you're struggling is simple, it doesn't make sense, period. It's hard to accept bull, even when it's being hand fed to you. "Just friends" sex talk with a married woman? I'm not so sure I'd ever be able to believe or trust again. His conversation with this woman, "just joking" or not is completely inappropriate, period. For him in a relationship with you and for her in a marriage. Do you think her husband would be okay knowing his wife was talking sexually with another man? Do you think he'd think it was "joking" and all in fun? Doubtful. Do you think your boyfriend would be okay with having discovered you "joking" like that with another man? Okay, she called you and told you it was a joke. I'm sorry, and I'm not trying to cause trouble, but what, you're going to believe her? What's she going to do, confess an affair and beg you not to tell her husband? How much can you believe in the crazy situation you were thrown into? Their "joking" is infidelity, whether it's a joke or not. When you're in a relationship and certainly in a marriage, you are bound to share those kinds of intimate words with only one person -- your partner. To share them with others is violating your relationship and the fidelity that's demanded in it. Affairs that are spoken (email, phone, etc.) but never acted on are called emotional affairs.


Now that you're aware of this and now that you have question, you no longer have complete trust, he's having trouble dealing with that, as are you, and it's causing problems in your relationship. I'm sorry, but this is not something you have to "get over". This is not you being ridiculous for no reason. He created doubt and reason for disbelief. What's changed? Is he continuing to contact his "friend"? If not, how do you know he's not. And if this really is an "innocent sex talk game", are you okay with having a boyfriend that does that kind of thing with other women? That's not the kind of guy I'd want to be with. Has he done anything to restore trust in your relationship? Have you asked him how he'd feel if he discovered you had a similar "email friend?" (that might go a long way in helping him see how you feel in this situation)?


I think your problem is you're trying to force yourself to "get over" a situation that you can't make yourself get over. Trust is something that comes as it's earned. You can't force it, you can't make yourself feel it. He gave you huge reason not to trust and I haven't heard anything about how he's trying to show that he is indeed trustworthy. How you're feeling isn't wrong, it's going to take time and work to get through this, it won't just "go away".


Here are some articles that you should take a look at, and you should stop being hard on yourself, your feelings are completely justified.


Is it just friends or infidelity?
Is It Cheating?
Not all of these may fit, but you'll get an understanding of the kind of process that's necessary in dealing with destruction of trust:
Getting Over an Affair
Healing From Infidelity >
Recurring Memories of Spouses Affair








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 7:56pm
Thank you
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 12:28am

Bakedzitti, this is more than "thank you", there are some huge issues here. What about them? What's he doing about the trust issues? Does he take responsibility for the damage he's done? What's happening with your relationship? You're clearly hurting and damaged, what are you doing to address that and work though it?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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