I really need some advice/suggestions
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 12-23-2006 - 8:07pm |
The last thread I created I didn't get very many responses. Therefore, I'm not sure if I am welcome back here. I hope to try this forum again. Like I've
mentioned before in one of my threads, I don't have many friends and the friends I do have, they all know my hubby. I'm hoping I can still reach out to
everyone here on this board.
The last thread I created, I was 90% sure I wanted a divorce, however, since then my mind has changed. I want to work on this marriage but I feel like I'm
the only one that does. Today, my hubby and I got into another one of our fights. As my hubby is leaving to help his brother out, I see him get into his
truck as I'm pulling onto the driveway. The conversation went like this:
Me: Bye. See you tonight ***My hubby has been helping his brother finish building his house for the last couple of weeks
Hubby: What? Did you say Hi or Bye?
Me: I said bye ***Thinking its weird saying bye. ***He saw me pull onto the driveway but yet still gets in his truck...doesn't wait and at least give me a
kiss or saying "see you tonight"
Hubby: Oh, I didn't hear you. Bye
Me: ***Walking to the mailbox
Hubby: ***As he pulling out, he rolls down the window. He then says "My mom called and wants us to bring something for tomorrow night
Me: Do you want me to go to the store and get a pie?
Hubby: No, I'll figure it out
Me: ***I have just felt unappreciated because he doesn't want my help
Hubby: If I don't get anything, I guess I won't go
Me: Why?
Hubby: Because I don't want to go to my parent's house empty handed
Me: That's why I offered to go to the store
Hubby: No, its ok. I'll think of something
Me: Is there a reason why you don't want my help? I offered to go to the store.
Hubby: Its my family, so, I'll think of something
Me: Why does it have to be like this. Its your family so its your responsibility? I thought it was "Our" family. Why do we have to divide this?
Hubby: Because you said you didn't want to go to the store
Me: But I just offered now to go to the store
Hubby: Like I said, I'll figure something out
Me: You don't want my help and you don't want my affection. Its always me that is initiating affection. And lately, I've been asking you for a kiss.
Sure, I say it jokingly "hey honey can I get a kiss", but deep down I feel you don't want to kiss me. I shouldn't have to ask my hubby to kiss me. That is
just wrong. Do you want to still be married? Because you sure aren't happy with me. Hell, we can't even have a discussion without getting into a fight.
Hubby: I just don't want to talk about it. You don't listen. You accuse me and blame me.
Me: And you don't?
Hubby: That's why I don't want to talk about it. I let myself get in this S**t and I have to deal with it?
Me: WTF? What does that mean? Are you saying this marriage is s**t?
Hubby: I didn't say that
Me: Yes you did.
Hubby: This is not a good time to talk about this. I have things to do. I still have to get your x-mas gift and then I need to help my brother
Me: No time is good because you never want to talk
****By this time we are both yelling
I just don't know what to do. I want to work on my marriage but I just don't speak his language.
Can someone explain what he meant by "I let myself get in this S**T and I have to deal with it? Obviously I have no clue
How can I honestly tell him I want an open communication. I feel like writing him a letter, but the last letter I wrote to him, it didn't work. ***I typed
the letter in one of my pas threads and I remember iv_aisha stated that it was a very good letter and there was no way to misinterpret the letter....but he
did
Maybe the letter should say something like:
I know there is a communication barrier for us. I know I am part of the blame. I don't blame you for not telling me how you feel because the times that we
have tried to communicate I've been accussatory and pointed the blame at you. I want to better myself in not doing that. I want to really listen to you as
well as do a better job in accepting my actions have hurt you. I hope I can show you that I will do my part.
Do you think that would help?
He doesn't want to go to counseling and I went to counseling but my counselor would always say "I wish your hubby was here" or "It would really help it if he
was here". I was bothered by those statements because I also wanted that but my hubby will not go to counseling. Since I started my new job, I haven't been
to counseling because she doesn't work at night and when my counselor does have appointments at night, its very limited. I don't want to start with a new
counselor because I've already invested in so much emtions with this counselor that I don't want to start again with a new one.
That's why I'm hoping I can reach to the members on this board again.

Pages
My advice would be to start looking at divorce lawyers. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
Casey,
you said "I'm guessing the reason why I have a hard time in keeping to ONE subject, is everything just builds up and then when we get into a fight, all the stuff I kept in just explodes."
I know it's hard. I think you are a person who feels things very deeply and that's not a bad thing. Yes, things can build up and in an arguement it's EASY to just let it all out. It's easy, but does it accomplish anything in the end, other than more hurt? You are one of MANY who just lets it all explode in an arguement but you need to PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE sticking to the subject at hand. I had to learn, especially with my now DH to do that. I was used to saying whatever I wanted in an arguement cause that's what I did with my EX. I didn't ask DH to change the way he communicates, but I changed how I did. Now I ALWAYS stick to the subject at hand and don't bring in another topic until that one is resolved. I've noticed that DH also has followed suit and changed the way he communicates with me as well. He did it on his own, over TIME, not because I asked him to. Sometimes I'll have something on my mind and sit on the topic for several weeks until I feel the appropriate time to talk about it.
you said "I feel the last couple of months its been ME that initiates affection. If I don't initiate affection, then there's NO affection at all."
Sometimes it's just that way. My DH was the most affectionate caring, physical man for our first year. Now I almost always initiate affection. Most people do act differently at first than they will once you are married a while. I would bet that as your marriage strengthens the affection will increase again. Give it time, don't worry about it. Initiate it yourself and be happy with that. Maybe it will change, and maybe it won't. For me, it doesn't matter. He doesn't have to initiate with me for me to know he loves me, I already know he does so I initiate and am happy to do so. For you that may be something you need and want in a relationship, the affection. If so then that is fine, and his not giving it may be a deal breaker for the two of you at some point. I do feel that if you strengthen your marriage, that the affection will increase though.
Don't put all the blame on yourself Casey. You need to work on how you communicate but there are 2 in the marriage. Don't tell him you're responsible for everything, just show him you are making changes.
He obviously wants to stay married to you. He must love you. Work on little changes, one step at a time. Don't just go and try and change everything about you. I would focus first on only discussing the issue at hand. Then once you have that down, you can work on one more step.
I really am rooting for your marriage and would love to see the two of you learn to work it out.
Pages