I really need some help:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
I really need some help:(
9
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 10:21pm
I have to say that I really love my husband and if it wasn't for that I think I wouldn't be with him right now. We have a lot of fighting in our relationship and I stand back and analyze and realize a lot of it is caused by things he does. He is really lazy and absent minded. He never finished college so he doesn't have a degree. I have never met anyone in that situation and I guess I have a lot of faith in people. He is in the restaurant business and before we got married he said he would get out. It has been 2 years since he made that statement and his only excuse is that he just isn't getting hired. I KNOW that he isn't trying. Tonight is just the tip. I told him I hoped things would change soon and he said he was working on it. I asked him what jobs he was applying to and he made up some random ones. He didn't even look up jobs today. He lied to me and I am worried he lies about a lot else. I have caught him in things he has lied about because he is more worried that I will be upset. I understand that in a relationship you have your own life, but mine is an open book. I keep my email open. I tell him everything even if it might cause a problem. I don't keep secrets, but I feel like he keeps a lot of them. Whenever I actually check up on this my worst fears are revealed. I don't know what to do. I am from a hard working honest family and I am not used to being lied to. What do I need to do? I am shaking like a leaf right now:(
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 10:52pm

The question you have to ask yourself is can your love for him survive all his behaviors?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 11:01pm
Thanks! I wonder if I should get out because it has only been a little over a year and I can't have kids with someone if I have to be the provider and the mom.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 12:26am
Welcome back, Carolinenw ~


I have to get off the computer for a short time (daughter needs it to finish up her home work), but when I refreshed, I saw your post and wanted to provide your previous post to those who may be able to respond to you before I can so that they can have a better understanding of your situation:


Help...I am at the end


I should be back shortly!







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 12:52am
Caroline, I asked some questions in my response to your last post, but didn't get any answers. I hope you'll consider answering, the information will be helpful in understanding your situation more fully. I'm sorry if the questions feel like a hassle to you, but it's important to be able to understand before answering, answers based on guesses are almost sure to be inaccurate and inappropriate.


In your post here, you said he lies, has he always lied or is he lying about his job search and job applications alone? I'm guessing it's more than just about jobs as you refer to email, etc. If he lies about other things, what other things do you know that he lies about? It sounds like you go along with these job lies, and I'm wondering why.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 8:45am

This may seem like an odd question, but I need to dismiss or cement the idea.

What do his parents think of him? In general....

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 9:13am
They think he can do no wrong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 9:16am

Do you ever wonder why he didn't choose a girl that thought he could do no wrong?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 9:27am
Yes, I have told him that before. He says that he can't help who he fell in love with. I think he dated a lot of girls that thought he could do no wrong. Most of them were younger than him. I know that I am not like a lot of girls. I have a VERY stong personality and I think if I had a guy like that we would be fighting ALL the time for the power. I go 10,000 miles a minute and I am always striving for more. I come from a family of 4 and I was the oldest. My parents always made me believe I was smarter than I actually was and they always pushed for more without being too overbearing. He is the youngest of 2 and has an older sister a lot like me. He is very kind guy who will actually work hard once he gets set on a task. I am starting to think that maybe this job thing is making him feel worthless. He gets really upset when I finally get it out of him that he has not strived for more in life. He says he wishes he went to school and got to experience that. His parents never pushed him and he has so many regrets about that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 12:04pm

OKay, you more than cemented my thought process.

See, my H is that way and I've spent A LOT of time (probably too much) trying to figure out why.

And it boils down to-- He doesn't HAVE to work to be good enough. He's always just been perfect. It was just given to him. He has totally unrealistic viewpoints on how to survive in the world. All my H has to do is walk into a room and his parents, especially his mother, is all about how awesome and wonderful he is. It's nauseating. I don't know if this aspect fits their relationship either, but it does with my H and his parents. My H was perfect and wonderful but only because he never, ever made waves. He did everything his mom wanted him too. His needs didn't exist for his mom. NOW, now that he's in his 30s he's rebelling.... but I'm not his mom. But he's rebelling against her and I've taken her spot in his brain, so I get to enjoy it. My H wouldn't job hunt because 1)he shouldn't have to. It would just fall into his lap. 2) I wanted him to and he was tired of always doing what I wanted him to do (here is where I became his mom in his brain). 3)He had no confidence in himself and his abilities because his mom controlled everything he did and said and thought (almost.) 4) He was never TAUGHT how to accomplish things. His mom/dad did it for him because he wasn't capable of doing it.

Your H probably can't figure out why his life just isn't as blessed as it's always been. My H would rail against his parents, how they didn't do right by him and how he should have majored in something different, etc and so forth. But it really all boiled down to the 4 reasons above.

So basically, I now have a teenager. Though he's working on his issues.

I'm not sure how much of that applies to your H or not. The situations just sound similar and I can only go off of what was written, so take what works and leave the rest. I would suggest reading the book "The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do when a Parent's Love Rules Your life" by Patricia Love. It even has different exercises in it. And it made me realize quite a few things about my life too and WHY my H and I picked each other. (Fortunately he says he was looking for the opposite of his mother personality wise. Whew! I would have decked him if he had said he'd married someone jsut like his mom!) But it's a really good book and may help explain A LOT of things.

Jen