I thought i had my jealousy under control..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2007
I thought i had my jealousy under control..
8
Sun, 10-10-2010 - 9:18am

Hey Everyone,

As you might know, I've been struggling with jealousy issues. I am very grateful for the advice this board has given me and had tried quite a few methods that worked!

All has been going well the past few weeks and I felt I was overcoming my jealousy, that is, until last night.

We recently ordered a service that allow movies to stream to our TV. Well, last night I fell asleep on the couch while we were watching a movie. I woke up a little bit and hubby was scrolling through all the movies with synoposis and especially reading the ones that either had attractive girls or sexy poses on the cover. What frustrates is that when I was awake, we went through some of the movies together to figure out what to watch, and he quickly scrolls over those types of movies and even calls them "lame".

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 10-10-2010 - 11:05am

I believe people lie for "good" reasons.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Welcome back, Gal_happygirl ~

I'm posting the link to your previous post so that those who are unaware can have a better understanding of your situation and so those who are aware are able to refresh:

My husband always threatens


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Sun, 10-10-2010 - 2:44pm


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Sun, 10-10-2010 - 3:08pm
Gal_happygirl, you don't believe that he's not looking because history tells you it's not reasonable to believe that. I read a post you wrote on another board two years ago where you found sexy photos on your computer and "flipped out" because he'd promised that he'd tell you if he was looking at that kind of thing.

I think the first thing that's necessary is to determine what exactly your issue is. Do you hate porn and sexy photos? Is this something that you absolutely don't want anywhere in your life? Or is it as you say, that you don't mind (as long as he tells you)?

If you hate it and don't want it anywhere in your life at all, then you need to deal with the issue from that aspect. Since you're well aware that your husband doesn't agree with the standard of "no sexy pictures or porn", then you have a decision to make. His standards and yours would be incompatible if that's the case and you have to decide if YOU can bend and accept it happily and willingly or if you need to part ways to find a partner who is compatible.

If you don't mind as long as he tells you, I have to ask, why does he have to tell you? What difference does it make? From his perspective, I would say it makes a very big difference, reporting to "mommy" every time he wants to look at "bad" pictures is pretty demeaning and certainly puts him in a sub equal status with you. I know I would hate if I had to tell my husband every time I wanted to look at some specific thing, whether it was related to men, sex or shoes for that matter. So, if you truly have no problem with him looking, then why does he have to report it?

Is it that you think he's cheating? Has he cheated in the past or given you reason to suspect he's cheating? If so, this makes the issue completely different and my answer would be completely different as a result.

In that other post I read, you said that you were upset because you though you were keeping him happy enough that he didn't need to look. As Mhash pointed out, being happy with your partner, being happy and satisfied with your sex life has nothing to do with men looking at sexy photos and, as he also said, their fantasy does not bleed into reality.

I have a friend whose husband looks at porn. She doesn't care for porn at all. Her solution was to ask him to please keep it out of her sight. See, she doesn't care if he looks at it, she just doesn't want to have to see it. He looks at it when she's not around and she doesn't find it, it serves them both well -- she's respecting his preferences and he's respecting hers. A friend asked her if she thought he was still looking at it. Her response was, "How would I know? And why would I check?" My friend's approach might work for you, but first you have to be honest about your feelings about porn and figure out what it is your standards and beliefs are. As I said previously, if he's cheated or given you reason to suspect cheating, that throws this whole response in the trash.

The title of your post suggests you're jealous of the women in the photos he looks at, is that right? Why? I have to be honest and tell you that I came to terms with the fact that there will always be prettier, sexier, better built women than me, no matter how good I look. : ) and as I get older, the odds increase. Truthfully, I can appreciate a beautiful woman or man, a great body, sexiness just as much as anyone else and I don't mind pointing it out or commenting on someone to my husband. I don't think their features reflect on me at all.

I'll be interested to hear your thoughts.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2010
Mon, 10-11-2010 - 12:26am

Guys masturbate to porn. It's only fantasy. It just causes needless trouble to involve yourself in it. JMHO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 10-11-2010 - 10:04am

mhash is right; people "lie" in small ways to make one another more comfortable. If we all went around doing whatever we felt like as though we were alone, we would hurt a lot of people. It's human nature to filter the things we let other people see.

Do you want him to simply not find other women attractive? Which part is it that bothers you most - Him looking at other women, him thinking other women are attractive, or the fact that he will do something that you don't like when he doesn't think you know about it?

Maybe it is so subconscious, he truly doesn't believe he acts differently to you? Maybe the ways in which he changes are so trivial and small, he doesn't even notice them? Please take a moment to understand that his reality and your reality are different, but neither are necessarily wrong or "lies".

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 10-12-2010 - 11:17am

The others are all correct. There is always going to be more attractive and hotter women out there than you. Thats just the way it is. If your husband goes off with the first prettier girl he can find, then you are better off letting him go. I would hope he is not that shallow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 10-12-2010 - 12:22pm

Maybe the problem is that he tells you he thinks that stuff is LAME, and when he thought that you were sleeping you saw that he