I want a child, he doesn't

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
I want a child, he doesn't
2
Wed, 12-04-2013 - 12:39pm

In a nutshell I'm a 34 yr old woman who finally found the love of her life less than 3 years ago! He's a year younger and like me, is drama and baggage free! We bought a house together a year ago and are still madly in love even though we see each other every day!  We communicate effectivly and have mutual respect for one another despite having different view points or opinions at times. He is the best partner in life that I could ever ask for which is why it pains me to no end that he does not want to have a child with me. 

I never had the desire to have children until I met and got to know him and the person he is. After the 1st year of dating I started having these odd feelings which shortly thereafter turned into my burning  desire to have a child with him. To bring a part of each of us into this world and provide the child with support and love, and watch them grow to become an amazing individual is something that pulls at my concious every day now.  My partner (I have no desire to get married but am not severly opposed to it either) and I have a stable home, decent finances, and a great support system around us with our family and friends.  He has so many wonderful qualities such as his caring, compassionate nature for humans and animals alike. He supports me with everything I do in life, is honest and approaches conversations respectfully with this thoughts especially when they differ strongly from mine, is brilliant, unbelievably handy, motivated, kind, strong yet gentle, communicative, funny, and the list can go on and on.  Through my years of dating and personal growth I learned after two bad long term relationships  that I was unwilling to just "settle" since I deserved more. He was the type of guy I always hoped I'd end up with in life but he is so much more than I could've imagined. . He surpassed my "checklist" and showed me additional qualities that I never even knew I wanted in a  partner. He brings out the best in me and I in him.  

While discussing my changing and now changed attitude towards having children he still doesn't want them. He is scared he's going to be a bad parent and said he wouldn't be able to take on such a great responsibility since there were no gaurentees he would be a good parent. I tried giving him examples of others, explained what I saw in him that made me fall in love with him and change my mind about children, talked about what we could do together yet he is still firm on his decision. I even brought to his attention his relationships with all of my friends kids who absolutly adore him but he still remains firm. I told him I would still stay with him if he doesn't change his mind since he is so important to my life however now, I feel slight resentment creeping in towads him.  I feel more hurt that he stripped us from having the opportunity to create something beautiful to  expierence and share another part of our lives together. If we tried for a year and couldn't conceive then that would be OK but not having the option doesn't sit well with me. His reasoning as to why he doesn't want children doesn't sit well with me. Lastly, the fact that he envoked these feelings in me to want to share a life and the fact that I don't bring out these feelings within him does hurt me.  

At the end of the day, I see that his unwillingness stems from his overly modest and sometimes lack of confidence he has within himself. Since we've been together he has grown more confident as the people in my network really appreciate him for who he is and let him know it. Most people from his network take advantage of his good nature and handiness by always asking "what's in it for me". 

I want to stay with him but I don't want to feel this way anymore. Sad, mad, hurt, confused, irritated.. you name it.  If he won't change his mind, how do I get this nagging feeling to go away. I find myself thinking of how great of a parent he'll be throughout the course of our days just by him being him and doing the awesome things he does. It drives me mad and I feel like I have OCD since the thoughts come frequently and I cannot stop them.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Mon, 01-27-2014 - 6:25pm

There is never any guarantees on what type of parent a person will be. The thing is if he states he doesn't want children,there is nothing you can do about it to change his mind. There is a deeper reason on his part on why he doesn't want to have children.You need to find out what that is...if he will tell you since you state you guys communicate good. The resentment that you're feeling because he doesn't want to have a child with you is a serious issue.When you start feeling resentment towards someone you love,,please talk it over with that person because resentment just causes breakups in the end.

You know..maybe he could just be very afraid of everything that comes with having a child and he doesn't want to have to go through that...I hope youcan work it out and feel comfortable with whatever happens.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
Mon, 03-10-2014 - 11:39am

Thanks for the feedback. (I accidentally posted my original question twice and had two threads going). He has some self confidence issues coupled with a constant circle of people who let him down throughout his life. He was a little shy when we first met and now, can talk to anyone as he gained confidence from having people in his life now who truly appreciate him (over the past few years). He is a wonderful person, through and through, and I think this is what sparked my desire to want to start & raise a family of our own. He is so afraid of "messing up" a child despite knowing there are no guarantees in life. At the end, he wants to be with me and I with him. However now I don't know if I can. This is something I'm still figuring out. I only wanted to raise a child/potentially children (or even adopt/foster) with him. But if we can't and I am unable to avoid resenting him, then I will not stay in this relationship. But then I may never have a child anyway, since I'm 34 and don't want to raise a child on my own nor jump into any relationship without getting to really know the person. So it's either stay with this wonderful man and work on my own feelings or Stay and be unable to resolve my feelings and wind up resenting him in which case I will need to leave the relationship. But then I am almost resigned to the fact that its a strong possibility I won't have children anyway since I don't want one just for the sake of having one. Perhaps I'm just not meant to be a parent or in a relationship.