I want him to be more forward

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2006
I want him to be more forward
15
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 10:53am

So..I have been seeing this guy for like 4 few dates and We have hung out and slept over at each other's schools 4 or 5 times as well. I knew him from a few years ago and we just reconnected. I really like him now and I can tell he likes me. He asked me out for valentines and gave me flowers and we just flirt and hes very sweet and gentlemen like. The only problem is, he barely initiates. I found myself being too forward with him and I realized I was usually the one who held hi hand or started the kiss. So I went to visit him the other day at his school for the night and decided to back off a bit and see if he would put moves on me. he didnt hold my hand once the whole night or kiss me...we went back to his room..he asked his roomate to stay somewhere else for the night, he didnt even try to kiss me and in his bed, we didnt cuddle or hold becauese i didnt initiate like last times.. we woke up and didnt touch once really..the next day when he dropped me off at train, he didnt initiate either so i kissed him bye..he called me later that day and hited at a future date together...but like. the point is, I know he likes me..but he doesn't seem to wanna rip my clothes off or kiss me, I like him and wanna be desired by him..it's wierd he didnt even try anything..and we have been a little more intimate when I initiate. I don;t wanna initiate all the time. I wanna know he wants to hold my hand. I wanna wait 1 date more to c if its just me...u think he picked up on my vibe and noticed I didnt wanna hold his hand and he backed off? How do i get him to initiate? I dont wana bring it up yet,I wanna see what he got lol.

he has kissed me in the past here and there..it just seemed like when i backed off, he backed off, which made me more distant and him in turn, more distant lol..but i want him to be forward, then I will too

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 12:16pm

Tuna, didn't Aisha just warn you about the folly of choosing a man and then trying to make him into what you feel he ought to be?

There are several possible reasons for your current interest's reticence:

1. He's not ready for greater intimacy. When people are in the early years of dating, it often happens that one of them is significantly more experienced than the other, and the less-experienced person feels uneasy and unwilling to reveal his/her assumed lack of prowess.

2. He's not that into you. Even though he likes you, perhaps he doesn't want to be more than friends at this time.

3. He's confused about his sexuality. He may still be figuring out where he fits in the continuum of human sexual expression. This is not a reflection on you in any way--people are hardwired for desire but we don't come with an instruction book, so he may still be thinking about it.

4. He may have a low libido. People don't have the same level of desire, and when two individuals with mis-matched libidos get together, one is always wanting more while the other is wondering why all this pestering is going on. In general, a man with low libido trumps a woman with high libido, because if he's not interested, nothing is going to happen.

If you are hoping for a long-term involvement, I think you need to be more open with this guy, and talk to him (while both of you are upright and clothed) about your pleasure in the physical aspects of a relationship, and ask him how he feels. In the meantime, give him some space and stay out of his bed. He'll let you know when he wants you there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 12:53pm
Welcome back Tunatartar ~ I won't be able to get to your post for a bit yet, but I wanted to provide the links to your previous posts as soon as I could so that others who may not be familiar with you can get a better feel for your history and as a result be better able to offer thoughts and suggestions that fit your actual situation and can be more helpful to you.

You might read through your old posts too, many find reading their old posts very helpful and enlightening; they're able to see situations more clearly than they could when they were in the middle of them. I hope you find it as enlightening as many do:


paying
paying2
romance








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 1:27pm
Tuna, first of all, congratulations on having ended your relationship (I assume?) with your last boyfriend! Quitting the struggle, the frustration, the unhappiness and disappointment is a good thing. However, it seems to me that the experience you had with him would have taught you about taking people at face value and knowing that what you see is what you get.


I would suggest a few possible ways to go with this:

  • Decide this is not how you want the guy you're looking for to act and move on.
  • Back off yourself and give it more time at a more relaxed pace.
  • Tell him you'd like him to be more forward. That way he'll know what you want and if he still doesn't, you'll know there's no question that this isn't the guy for you.







  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    When you don't get what you want"

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 01-07-2005
    Mon, 02-19-2007 - 10:49am

    How experienced is this guy? I find guys who are less experienced will often let you take the lead, ESPECIALLY if you started off taking the lead. I'm often told that "if a guy wants you, he'll chase you" and this seems to be true for most guys, but not all guys.

    Try talking about his opinions of the dating world. What does he think of straightforward men? How about straightforward women? What is his comfort zone and experience with physical intimicy?

    From a conversation like that you can usually tell whether he's just a shy guy or he's not overly interested in you.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 02-01-2006
    Mon, 02-19-2007 - 11:47am
    Well, I'd rather ask him about his personal feelings then general ones..it seems more direct. I woul like to give it one more date to see if it wasnt just last time and something on his mind or who knows. He told me he had a girlfriend for like almost a year in high school...or maybe into college..but he still could have been really just non sexual with her..
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Mon, 02-19-2007 - 12:07pm
    There's a pattern in your thinking, Tuna. You're making excuses for him just like you did the last boyfriend. Then you said you were his first girlfriend like he didn't know any better than to be how he was, here you're saying he's only had one girlfriend and "maybe he was non-sexual with her". Have you ever known a guy to be non-sexual with his girlfriend? Do you really think these are things that somebody has to tell you before you have a clue?


    I do agree that you should tell him you want him to be more aggressive with you, but if he doesn't make that move (and I really doubt he needs you to tell him to do so, his hormones ought to be pushing him pretty hard) or doesn't continue as you'd like, then that's your clue that this guy isn't the right guy for you.


    I've got to say, you really think having something on his mind kept him from so much as touching you in bed all night? I doubt it. Have you two had sex?

    Edited to ask the last question**








    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    When you don't get what you want"

    ~ Author unknown



    Edited 2/19/2007 12:12 pm ET by cl-2nd_life








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 02-01-2006
    Mon, 02-19-2007 - 12:24pm
    We went on a few dates and no i wont have sex with him for a while untl im ready but he just doesnt seem to want to touch or kiss me so much.he seems almost nervous....im not at all tho
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 09-19-2002
    Tue, 02-20-2007 - 5:22pm

    You are trying to equate the amount of physical affection he shows, with your own self-worth. It's a losing game Tuna... because the guys who want to "rip (your) clothes off" right away do not respect you, and you get frustrated with the ones that respect you, because they're not all over you.

    I doubt very much that anyone here can provide you with advice you will like/want to hear. I strongly suggest seeking the help of a therapist to help re-build your self-esteem.

    Good luck.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Wed, 02-21-2007 - 3:22am
    Tuna, I'm glad I asked, I misunderstood. I thought he was running hot and cold, but it sounds like he's always been this way with you, you just want more, right?


    I think you just have to say to him something like, "I'm feeling a little awkward being the one to be initiating, I'm going to back off and let you take the lead." That way there's no question that he doesn't misread you and take his cue to back off from your backing off. Make sense?








    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    When you don't get what you want"

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Wed, 02-21-2007 - 3:23am
    Teeny, I'm inclined to agree with you, but I've got to ask, a guy who doesn't kiss you after four dates? You don't find that a little strange?










    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    When you don't get what you want"

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"

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