I want that loving feeling again

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
I want that loving feeling again
49
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 12:42am
I recently got married a few months ago and now my marriage just "exists". We only went out for about 6 months and then got married. We argue alot over little things. My husband used to be affectionate and now he just puts his hands in his pockets whenever we go anywhere. We hardly hold hands anymore. I'll admit, I'm not the most affectionate. Before we got married, we were in-love and did everything together. But I guess with all the arguements that we've had, he seems so distant. So, how can I get back that loving feeling we once had?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 12:48am

Welcome to the board, Casey0201 ~


Answers to a couple of questions will help know what direction to point you:


  • Have the two of you discussed the change in your relationship?
  • Have you pinpointed the cause(s) for your fighting and are you working to resolve it?
  • Have you told him you miss how you used to be (holding hands, etc.)?
  • If you've brought up these the problems in your marriage, what is his take on the situation, what does he think you two should do, and if you haven't, why not?
  • I know you only knew each other six months before marrying, I'm wondering how old are you guys?


    I'll be checking back for your answers.







  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 05-22-2006
    Tue, 05-23-2006 - 12:58am

    Thank for your reply. To answer a your questions

    We haven't really discussed the change in our relationship eventhough we both know it has changed.

    I'll admit the cause of our fighting are "stupid" fights. Because we have been fighting, my husband doesn't think it should be resolved. His comments are always "how do you resolve a fight on something stupid".

    Yes, I told him I miss the hand holding, however, it doesn't really phase him. I asked him why he started putting his hands in his pocket and he said "it discourages him that I don't want him" because of the fact I'm not the type that initiates affection. He states he feels hurt and it bothers him. I really don't know how to become more affectionate.

    We are both in our early 40's. By the way, he's already been married a couple of times.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Tue, 05-23-2006 - 2:02am

    Has the level of affection you show him changed since you've been married? It's good that he can communicate with you that he feels hurt and bothered that you're not more affectionate. It also sounds like you feel that you do have some struggles with showing affection. Do you think he's putting his hand in his pocket as a way to punish you for not being more affectionate?

    How did you resolve fights before you got married? As far as "how you resolve a fight on something stupid" goes, I think I'd tell him stupid fights should be easy to resolve and doing so will be good practice for resolving the serious ones, then I'd lay out a plan to resolve that stupid fight. Here are some good articles on that to get you started:
    Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
    Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love

    Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
    Conflicts - Points to Remember

    I would say it's past time to start talking to him. Tell him you don't like how your relationship is becoming, you miss what you used to be and you think it's important to do some serious work to stop the downhill slide and start working to build it back up before you lose more ground. It seems like you two have some trouble communicating, yes? Would he agree to couples counseling? I would strongly suggest it.

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    I would say it's past time to start talking to him. Tell him you don't like how your relationship is becoming, you miss what you used to be and you think it's important to do some serious work to stop the downhill slide and start working to build it back up before you lose more ground. It seems like you two have some trouble communicating, yes? Would he agree to couples counseling? I would strongly suggest it.

    >-->







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 05-22-2006
    Tue, 05-23-2006 - 9:57am

    Its been the same level of affection since we began dating. Its hard for me to show affection...guess I'm just not the affection type. You know, I really don't think he's putting his hands in his pocket to punish me. In fact, I asked him the other day why he has been doing this more (putting hands in pocket) is says it feels comfortable to him. Whatever that is suppose to mean.

    He has told me we have never argued. His definition of arguement is the same as the word discussion. We have always fought (yelling/screamin). Usually when we do fight, it usually is me that follows him from room to room to continue to "try" and talk. However, he is too mad to continue. I guess I need to recognize a timeout. Because we have never been able to resolve a "fight", I try to talk and by doing so, I continue to follow him hoping he would talk but it never works. Lately before the fights esculates, he leaves the house and doesn't come back (usually he goes plays a round of golf). When he comes back, we are both silent. I mean you can feel the tension. He has told me many times, because we fight over stupid stuff, he feels you cannot resolve something over stupid things. THerefore, I have no idea what I did. So, I end up asking him "what did I do wrong". And when I say that, I feel like a child. So, I don't talk to him because it just makes me resent him.

    I really miss the good times that we use to have.

    I recently asked him to help me overcome me being so unaffectionate. I mentioned that if I initaite holding his hand, maybe he could give me a squeeze letting me know he likes it or if I initiate a hug, maybe he could say "hey, this feels nice". However, he said that would be too hard on him to do this. I asked him why. He said, being affectionate should come naturally. He said he shouldn't have to work so hard in getting me to be more affectionate just to make him happy. That was his quote. Therefore, I was left shocked, confused and hurt. I don't know, maybe I asked it in the wrong way.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-25-2003
    Tue, 05-23-2006 - 10:13am

    Nope, you asked it in a totally appropriate way. Your H just doesn't want to have to DO anything. He just wants it to change and work out. You know, where he can wake up tomorrow and it's all better and all he has to do is be there.

    I don't think you were out of line at all in asking for his help. Feedback is a great thing. I know that my H has started to give me feedback so I know when I'm doing things he really appreciates. If he didn't, I wouldn't know and on things that were harder for me, I'd probably stop doing them since I wouldn't realize he liked it.

    I'd suggest counseling.

    Jen

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Wed, 05-24-2006 - 12:30am

    I'd say Jen's right; he doesn't want to have to do anything, he just wants thing to be the way he wants all by themselves. Or in this case, he expects you to do all the work to make it right. Do you realize? He wants you to be more affectionate, but he's not willing to be more affectionate with you. You've told him about the hand holding, and it doesn't matter; it's more comfortable to have his hands in his pockets. He wants it his way all the time, period. No consideration of you. He also doesn't want to resolve issues, he wants to ignore them until they go away. They will certainly cease to seem important if ignored and they'll fade into the background and be forgotten, but the next time a problem comes up, that old, unresolved problem will come back with it and you'll have two problems to deal with, not just one. The longer things get shoved under the rug, the more problems there are that are piling up. It doesn't matter if they're "stupid" problems or not, they're piling up all the same. And at some point, there are more problems on the pile than your marriage can withstand. I think maybe you're seeing why he's been divorced a few times.


    I hear what you're saying about a cool down period before talking about problems, but do you think he'd be willing to talk about them later? Have you tried talking about how you address problems when you're not having a problem? (Does that make sense?) I don't mean to talk to him about the last problem you had, but at a time when things are good talk to him about the way you address problems, the ignoring, the walking out, the silence for the next few days, and the problem not getting talked about. I'd tell him I was concerned about how we handled things, that it wasn't healthy or productive and I wanted to deal with our problems, big and small, differently. You also need to ask what he thinks, his suggestions, etc. From what you've said, I'm not too hopeful that his response would be positive, but I'm hoping I'm wrong.


    I also suggest that couples counseling asap, the sooner you get started, the less damage you have to deal with and overcome. I suspect he won't want to go because they're just "stupid problems". I'd suggest telling him if you can't resolve the stupid ones you sure as heck won't be able to resolve the real ones. You might also tell him they're not stupid to you and you would think he'd want to do some things differently so that his future isn't a replay of his past.


    What are your thoughts, Casey?







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 05-22-2006
    Wed, 05-24-2006 - 4:46pm

    Thanks for the replies.

    Ok. I had to take some time to think about what I wrote and hopefully this might make more sense.

    Regarding the affection - I must admit I brought it up during the time we were fighting, therefore, it could be why he answered the way he did. Maybe I need to learn not to bring stuff up when we are in the middle of fighting.

    He does still initate holding my hand, however, its not as much as it once was when we were dating. I say about 60% he still initiates affection. However, he will not do "more" of the affection because I think he's getting immuned to the fact that he thinks since I'm not really affectionate, he's adjusting to me. I guess. But maybe I also need to do my part in initiating as well. I hate to admit this, but it's me that expects the affection and not the other way around. Probably because I'm not the affectionate type.

    Regarding the fightings - Yes, I would agree with you that I think he just wants it to work out all by themselves. Neither one of us brings up the fighting after we have cooled off. So, its my fault too. I guess I'm like him too that I think things will work themselves out. I think he would be more willing to talk about it when it is peaceful, however, I never asked. So, to answer your question, we have never addressed problem when we are not having a problem. Maybe that is something to consider.

    He is not into couples counseling because I've already asked him. He says it won't work and he won't go because we just got married a few months ago. That was his response.

    Other than the fighting and the lack of affection, he's a good man. He does all the cooking and most of the cleaning. I clean when I can and he doesn't complain one bit. He still opens the door for me and treats me well.

    People have said that you take the good and accept the bad. I guess that's what I'm trying to do but I still miss it (affection).

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 01-13-2006
    Wed, 05-24-2006 - 9:30pm

    casey0201,

    Next time he puts his hands in his pocket take the oppertunity and wrap your arm around his and put your hand on his biscep. See what his reaction would be to that. If he just looks at you, glance at him with a sexy smile and look away. It will be a brain buster that will strike curiousity in him and keep him guessing. Always a good thing to do to a man.......:) Put forth effort in suttle ways like that and see what you get. Keep us posted.

    Best of luck,
    defleppardgal

    Defleppardgal

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 02-19-2004
    Wed, 05-24-2006 - 10:24pm

    Can you give us an example of a fight you two have had?

    Photobucket

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Wed, 05-24-2006 - 11:02pm

    I would absolutely talk to him about the way in which the two of you approach problems and see if you can't agree to deal with them differently. Things don't just resolve by themselves, they just get buried. Sometimes there are things you just need to agree to disagree on, but that needs to be agreed on too ("Ok, it's clear we're not going to reach an agreement on this, and since it's not that important, I think we just need to agree to disagree"), just ceasing to talk about it is bad business; it sets a bad precedent for what is acceptable for handling issues and allows for much more important things to be handled the same way -- ignored, not really handled at all. I hope you do talk about your fighting style and agree on how you'll handle things from now on. (The links I gave in my last response offer some great suggestions for conflict resolution).


    I can't say enough about how important problem resolution is; he can be a great cook, housekeeper, kind to you, etc., but if you can't get along, what difference does any of the rest make? Now is the time to set how you deal with problems, so that when they come up you can get rid of them, grow as a couple as a result and move on to happier things. When you're ticked off for days because of all the unresolved crap you've got piled up, you won't be thinking about what a great housekeeper or cook he is. You'll be tearing your hair out thinking, "this is not worth it". Great cooks and housekeepers get fired if you don't get along with them, you know?


    I don't think it's a good sign that he's unwilling to go to counseling. Especially having been divorced multiple times I'd think he'd be more sensitive to keeping things working well; he certainly has to know problems escalate and the longer they go on, the worse it gets and the harder they are to resolve. Counseling isn't just about "resolving silly problems", it's about learning better ways to communicate and to deal with issues so you can continue to work with each other better without the need for counseling any longer. I hope you go on your own, there's a lot you can learn that will help your marriage without him.


    I know that he said he didn't want to communicate his pleasure when you're affectionate with him, and I also know you're wanting more affection than you're getting. Have you considered doing for him what you'd like him to do for you? By that I mean, tell him that you're glad he took your hand, or that his hug feels good, etc. It may just rub off on him and he'll end up saying those things back to you. Teach by example, you know?


    I will say that the level of affection does tend to drop off at some point after marriage, but that doesn't mean you have to accept it and go without it. This is the "work" part of marriage that you hear about. You have to work to keep things affectionate. If you just let them drop off without working to keep them up, I guarantee you it'll continue to drop off until you're hardly affectionate at all on any level. Same with communication, fighting, etc. In all areas of your marriage you have to stay vigilant of problems and complacency. If you (both of *you*) don't work to keep it up it'll slide and continue to slide until there's little left of the couple you were when you married at all. Existing together is quite different than really living together, you know?







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"

    Pages