I want that loving feeling again
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I want that loving feeling again
| Tue, 05-23-2006 - 12:42am |
I recently got married a few months ago and now my marriage just "exists". We only went out for about 6 months and then got married. We argue alot over little things. My husband used to be affectionate and now he just puts his hands in his pockets whenever we go anywhere. We hardly hold hands anymore. I'll admit, I'm not the most affectionate. Before we got married, we were in-love and did everything together. But I guess with all the arguements that we've had, he seems so distant. So, how can I get back that loving feeling we once had?

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Here are a few questions that I have:
With the affection - Because I asked him to help me overcome the affection "during" an arguement, could it have been maybe that's why he answered it so insensitive? (about its being too hard for him to help me overcome the affection).
During the heat of an arguement, I told him how much I missed his hugs and he replied "I'm sorry you miss it". Do you think maybe he really doesn't miss it?
Because I'm not an affectionate person, do you think maybe he is adjusting to me and that's why he puts his hands in his pocket?
I do like defleppardgal suggestion about wrapping my arm around his, but with the lack of affection, I'm really not sure if he really wants me to touch him anymore. I don't want to be rejected if I did.
casey0201,
Which is worse.....
Grabbing his arm and him rejecting you, in turn you find out the problems are bigger and maybe the arm grabbing could be another stepping stone to get to the bottom of it. Or worse case realizing that this marriage isn't working and it's best to both move one to what eachother deserves.
or
Continuing how you are and never getting anywhere because you fear rejection. Honey, you are living pure rejection right now. Do you think arm grabbing is going to make it worse?? Yeah there is a chance that he will, but is finding that out worse then living the rest of your life the way you are?? If he is a MAN wanting to take care of his WOMAN, but is just going through a rough time, he won't reject you.
Best of luck,
Defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
I hate to sound like a pathetic case, because I'm not a very affectionate person, having someone put their hands in their pockets gives me a clear sign that they don't want any type of affection. Isn't that usually the interpretation? I don't feel I should grab his arm because he's giving me a red flag that he doesn't want my affection. I think action speaks louder than words and putting his hands in his pocket is definetly is the action.
The other day, a statement my H made was very strange. As I'm getting ready to go out to dinner, he has my dog on his lap. By the way, my hubby gives my dog more affection than he does me. Anyways, we actually got along that day and as I ask him if he's ready to go, he says "You know your dog loves me, right?" I looked at him as to say "What"? Not once have I ever shown jealous over my dog with him. So, I'm thinking "what kind of odd statement is this to say"? Why would someone make an odd statement?
Casey, yes, absolutely the reason for his insensitive responses could have been because you were in the middle of a fight. Things are rarely settled or handled fairly during an argument, certainly not if you or your spouse is angry, defensive and/or if you're not practicing good arguing techniques (as were in the articles I linked in one of my previous responses). When you're angry, upset or defensive you don't feel giving, understanding or caring and don't respond as you would when things are cooled down and even. I know you recognize that from the way you feel, think and maybe respond during an argument versus how you'd respond without your emotions being all stirred up. (It's hard to respond like "I love you" when you want to say "f* you"!) I think when you're in an argument it's wise to only discuss the issue at hand and leave everything else to another time, no matter how much you want to bring it into the conversation.
If you haven't talked about these issues when you're not in the middle of an argument, I think that's your next step, and it should happen soon. I would read over the argument articles I linked so that if things heat up you're prepared with the best way to handle them and don't get pulled into a blow out, then I'd sit down with him and tell him my concerns. Tell him that you really love how he touches you and you really miss not having it as much. Tell him that while it's a difficult subject to talk about (I'm assuming it is), that you know he'd like you to be more affectionate and you want to be. Tell him it would really encourage you to be more physically affectionate if he would give you a positive comment when you were. Ask him if he'd be willing to do that and ask if he's got any thoughts or suggestions on the subject. I don't mean for this to be a completely structured, stilted conversation, my hope would be that once you've opened the subject up you'll both be talking about aspects of the affection in your marriage, and I would expect that at some point during the conversation you'd tell him what you've said here, that you'd love to just wrap your arms around him but you're not sure he wants you to and you're afraid to be rejected. Casey, I think you have to talk about this when there isn't an argument or fight.
It's possible that he got tired of always being the one to reach out and decided to pull back and wait for you to reach for his hand; and if he continued to do that without success, it's possible that he just got used to having his hand in his pocket. Tell him you miss it and ask him to hold your hand again.
You guys have other things to talk about too -- like your fighting style, but you should only talk about one issue at a time, otherwise it gets too overwhelming and you lose any ground you'd gained.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Here is an example of one of our fights - We were on our way to dinner and I was being wishy washy about going to the movies afterwards or going over to his friends for a game of poker. And as I'm driving, he said he's totally confused with what I want to do. So, I asked him "are you trying to pick a fight" and he said "no, I'm trying to avoid a fight". And then he says, "you know, when someone ask "are you picking a fight", that usually means that person wants to fight. But I told him I didn't want to fight and next thing I knew, he said "turn around and drop me off at home". So, then I'm asked, "what just happened" and he said "just turn around and drop me at home". So, then I turned around and drove home. We went inside the house and like usually, I followed him from room to room wondering what the hell just happened. And next thing I knew, he say "I'm going out, so bye" and took off in his car. So, what am I not seeing?
Can someone please answer why (from my previous post), what my H meant when he told me "you know, your dog loves me, right". This has got to be one of the strangest statement I have heard.
I remember, "during" one of our heated arguements I told him I missed the hand holding and his response was "I'm sorry you miss it". I guess that's why I don't put effort into initiating hand-holding because it sounds like to me he really doesn't miss the affection at all.
geoteo (from previous post) stated this is not a method of communication that he is used to? I'm sorry, but I don't understand this statement. I also don't understand what geoteo mean by "he already knows how to respond when you fight". Can someone please explain. I'm NOT at all trying to manipulate my H at all.
Edited 5/26/2006 7:15 pm ET by casey0201
casey0201,
<< And as I'm driving, he said he's totally confused with what I want to do. So, I asked him "are you trying to pick a fight" and he said "no, I'm trying to avoid a fight">>
In my opnion you were the one who started the whole thing. Your reaction of "are you trying to start a fight" seems kind of defensive. That could be why you two have communication issues. I have never said those words to my husband. I can recall times where I've been going back and forth with something and I have confused him. When he called me on it I just laughed because I knew I was being confusing. Your hasband's reaction of "no, I'm trying to avoid a fight" says ALOT. He doesn't want to fight with you but he feels he has nothing else to give when you go on the defensive, so he might as well just get out of the line of fire.
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I know what happened, you got defensive and he didn't want to play your game that evening. In following him around and playing the victum of just another one of his moods you made it even worse. In his eyes you didn't own up to what you originally did wrong which made him more upset.
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I don't think what you do about his response. But take a step back from his side. You say you miss all of this that he does, his hand holding, his hugs, but you never just go in for it. You say you miss it but you never do anything to get it back. Have you ever thought that maybe he wasn't the one who is always making the mistakes??
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I don't understand why you think this is strange. So an animal loves it's owner so what?? Personally I think that you are making it out to be bigger in your head so you have another thing to analize and use as an excuse that he's not affectionate and in the wrong. Have you ever thought that maybe it was him trying to reach out to you and tell you something. Like maybe he knows the dog loves him but he doesn't think that you do, so he thought he would say it to see if you would say something like "Well I love you too." Moments like that are so taken for granted and overlooked. No one knows how powerful saying something like that can be and what a difference in a marriage it can make.
Casey0201, in all your posts we have given you advice on how to talk to him better, how to open up some of that affection that you are missing and how to get back to a better marriage. All you ever write back though is "I can't, I don't think it will work, he's just not that way, it won't work on him, blah blah blah". They are all excuses and if you REALLY want to fix this then you will throw out your excuses, face your fears, stand up and FIX this. You say you are afriad of rejection but honey that's all you are living in now?? Are you really wanting to live like this the rest of your life because you can't take a risk??
Best of luck,
Defleppardgal
Edited 5/26/2006 8:22 pm ET by defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
casey0201,
As you are replying you can arrow down the screen to the post you are replying too. If you use your mouse you can highlight what you want to copy. After it's highlighted you can right click on it and it will give you a "copy" option. The put the curser where you want the quote in your response area and right click again. Select "paste" and vola!
Defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
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