I want that loving feeling again
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I want that loving feeling again
| Tue, 05-23-2006 - 12:42am |
I recently got married a few months ago and now my marriage just "exists". We only went out for about 6 months and then got married. We argue alot over little things. My husband used to be affectionate and now he just puts his hands in his pockets whenever we go anywhere. We hardly hold hands anymore. I'll admit, I'm not the most affectionate. Before we got married, we were in-love and did everything together. But I guess with all the arguements that we've had, he seems so distant. So, how can I get back that loving feeling we once had?

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There have been a time or 2 to where he asks the same question "are you trying to start a fight"...so why is that any different?
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The reason why I didn't own up to it is because I saw nothing I did wrong. What was it that I did wrong? Was it following him around from room to room hoping to talk about things?
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He knows I've never been the affectionate type and should accept me for who I am, however, because now there's not much affection shows me he really doesn't accept me for who I am. Am I missing something here?
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I am the one that owns the dog.
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Look, I'm not trying to be a smart a**, but how is this reaching out? I'm not a mind reader. If he wants to reach out, why doesn't he just tell me how he feels?
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All of these problems cannot be my fault and my fault alone. I appreciate your advice, but you make it sound like it is.
casey0201,
I wasn't trying to imply that you are all in the wrong.
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I guess I'm so utterly comfused about the real reason you are here. From what I get is that you have never been an affection person, and because of this your husband hasn't either, but now you're complaining about him not being, but yet you don't want to do anything to change how you are, you just want him too. To me, that's a pretty selfish way to think. "Well I don't have to be affectionate towards him, but he has to be affectionate towards me." ?????? Am I missing something???? :) I'm sorry but your paragraph just confused me. If he's not showing you affection because you aren't an affection type of person how is that not accepting who you are??
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Ever heard of the phrase "two wrongs don't make a right"?? The communication style between you two is not good. I should have explained myself better.
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Yes but the dog doesn't know that. He sees everyone in that house as his people. To him your husband is as just as much as his people then you are. Dogs can't love each person differently.
I'm sorry it seemed ats though I was making you out to be the bad guy. It's just that you came here for advice. But all that we've said has been met with "yeah but"'s from you. What is it that you really want?? It's like you think it's all him so he has to be the one to fix it, not you. Just because someone isn't the one that's in the wrong doesn't mean that they have an out of trying to fix it. Both of you have got to try and work or it's not going to ever last. If you aren't willing to then it gives him no motivation to do it either. Sorry you'll be having to be in this type of marriage for the rest of your life.
Best of luck,
Defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
Yes, I did come here for advice. I'm sorry to come across as not being grateful. I've appreciated all the advice so far. But is it wrong for me to ask the why's? Maybe I'm just the type of person that really needs to understand the meaning behind what is said.
My H is more affectionate than me. However, since he knows I'm not affectionate, he stopped being affectionate too. That too me is not accepting me for who I am. The other poster asked me if maybe he's punishing me and maybe that's the reason why he keeps his hands in his pocket. I really thought he wasn't punishing me, but now I'm thinking maybe he is.
By the way, just because I'm not the affectionate type doesn't mean I don't need it because I do. I think everyone craves being touched. Just because I'm not very good at initiating it doesn't mean I don't want it. Maybe I thought this could balance out, you know, him being the affectionate one eventhough I'm not and me helping him in other ways that he's weak in. You know, kind of balancing each other. Does this make sense?
Here is an example of one of our fights - We were on our way to dinner and I was being wishy washy about going to the movies afterwards or going over to his friends for a game of poker. And as I'm driving, he said he's totally confused with what I want to do. So, I asked him "are you trying to pick a fight" and he said "no, I'm trying to avoid a fight".
I have a suggestion.
casey0201,
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I don't think he's punishing you. I think he's totally confused as to what you want. You don't like affection, you could have rejected him in your own way without realizing it and hurt his feelings several times because you aren't affectionate and you guys fight alot about stupid things. I think he's just confused and doesn't know his place in the marriage with you. To me, what he's doing is what he thinks you want. You aren't an affectionate person so he stoped. I think he thinks he's doing what you want him to do.
Just curious though as to why you aren't affectionate. Were you always this way?? Did something happen to trigger that??
I don't want you to think I think you are ungreatful for the advice, I didn't think that. I just get the feeling that you don't want to fix this enough to maybe look at yourself at changing not even alittle. You want him, and him only, too. I'm sorry you are having to go through this and I hope that it works out for you. :)
Best of luck,
Defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
Hi, Casey! Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you--my brothers and I are moving my mother to a retirement community this week, so I'm not online as much as usual.
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Wasn't meaning to be confusing! Let's see if this can become clearer.
1. When people are in a relationship, they establish patterns of communication. The pattern the two of you have right now often leads to a fight. Your husband knows that pattern. He probably doesn't LIKE it, but he knows how it goes; it's familiar, so he goes that way when you talk, because it's easier than finding another way. Example: If you bought a cabin in the woods and the driveway ran alongside a steep cliff, you would be risking disaster every time you drove over it, but it would be easier to keep taking that risk than to go to the trouble of building a new driveway. Right now, your conversations are the driveway running alongside the steep cliff of a possible breakup; he's familiar with that driveway (and so are you), but it's NOT SAFE. Time to build a new driveway.
2. When we engage others in conversation beyond the level of "Read any good books lately?" we are sharing our wishes, hopes, and dreams for the future. Maybe not the distant future; maybe just in a few minutes. We wish to eat a particular food for dinner (or we're serving it, and hope to receive some praise), we hope to see a movie or play a game of poker, we dream of a small display of affection. There's nothing wrong with this, and most of the time it's not manipulative. In most relationships, in fact, people can just ask for these things, and they have a decent chance of getting them. In the case of your relationship, however, your husband has become used to the communication pattern that leads to a fight--he's used to driving over that dangerous driveway. When you begin changing that communication pattern, he is not going to recognize it, and he is likely to wonder what's going on. He won't know how he's supposed to respond, and he may think that the new pattern (the new driveway) is riskier than the old one. He will have to have a chance to get used to the new way of communicating and practice it many times in order to become comfortable with it.
3. I realize that you're not trying to manipulate your husband, but what I was trying to say (badly! sorry) was that when you change your pattern of communicating with your husband, his first mental reaction is likely to be, "What's she up to?" He may THINK that you are trying to manipulate him at that point.
There are a couple of other things I'd like to say, but they may have to wait--heading back to the retirement community in a few minutes! If not now, then later, unless someone else says them first. Good luck, and please keep posting.
Casey, I've been reading through all these posts and decided to chime in with my 2c worth.
>>My H is more affectionate than me. However, since he knows I'm not affectionate, he stopped being affectionate too. That too me is not accepting me for who I am.<<
I disagree. I think it's about him feeling rejected. When one gets rejected too many times, they stop trying.
Let me give you this analogy: you phone your friend for a chat and she seems preoccupied and not interested in talking on the phone. You call her again at another time but she's still not interested. And give a little break and call again one day - but still the same. And she never phones you. I bet that you will stop calling eventually. It's not about accepting her for who she is - it's about her not putting effort into the friendship.
Regarding the dog comment...I totally agree with the other posters who said that he feels the dog loves him more than you do. I've got a little house dog and he gives endless affection to us....which in turn shows us how much he adores us.
>>I think everyone craves being touched<<
Exactly!! Your husband would also crave touch, but by your own admission, you don't give it. I agree that our strengths can compliment each other's weaknesses, but there can come a time when you stop giving. It's when you feel that your strength is not wanted or appreciated by the other party. He's probably felt physically rejected by you too many times.
Okay, I'm back for a minute, and wanting to address the issue of accepting people for who they are.
"Who you are" is not graven in stone. We all have the ability to change, and do so when it benefits us in some way. Although I can't point to specific posts right now, I know it has been suggested that you and your husband could benefit from counseling. If you take that option (a good one, in my opinion), the counselor is not going to say, "Casey is right, and Husband, you are wrong." Of course, she won't say that you are wrong, either. Instead, she will help both of you take small steps to meet in the middle, where you will be able to forge a relationship that is satisfying to both of you.
That will involve some change on both your parts. You will learn to reach out a bit and to ask for the affection you need, and so will he; you will also learn how to offer affection spontaneously. These characteristics are not the "you" that you are accustomed to visualizing when you think of yourself, but you can become a different "you" because it will be beneficial.
All of us are changed by the relationships we are in. We have to decide if we want the changes to be in the direction of joy and love, or in the direction of anger and resentment.
Great post!
I just want to say that I put forth the effort. My H has the flu, therefore, cannot kiss me when he comes home from work. So, instead I said since we can't kiss, can I get a hug? We hugged. I "initiated" it, however, he didn't encourage me like I asked. At least I put effort.
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I think that's a very good advice and will do the next time if I'm wishy or washy or just laugh it off like deflep suggested.
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I've tried stating that I want to understand what is bothering him, however, he tells me I don't listen therefore he keeps his mouth shut.
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I don't think I have ever rejected him that I know of. If he is totally confused, why can't he talk to me? I never ever said I don't like affection, I stated I'm not very good at "initiating" affection. It all started when we went to the movies about a month and a half ago and noticed he didn't initiate holding my hand while watching the movie. So, afterward, I joking stated "you didn't hold my hand, this is a first". He replied, "I knew you were going to bring this up". And he continues by saying "because I wanted you to hold my hand". I thought "why would he think this when I don't initiate affection?"
The next time we went to the movies, we didn't hold hands again. So afterwards, I asked him is there anything wrong? He said no. So, I brought up the hand-holding again. And he stated he feels discourage that I don't want him and it bothers the hell out of him. I told him I do want him. But I guess just saying it doesn't help the problem.
The 3rd time we went to the movies, again, we didn't hold hands. So, I didn't bring it up because now I'm starting to get used to it.
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I've never been affectionate person. My parents were very affectionate, but I never was.
geoteo - your story about buying the cabin in the woods makes it very clear. Thanks. Now I understand.
ivaisha2004 - your analogy about the friend calling for a chat strikes a cord. I've also have done this and received this treatment therefore, don't call anymore. But I do understand your point. Thanks.
I have a feeling that if I go to counseling and "change" my way of communicating, my H might think I'm "manipulating" him but in a different way, therefore, I won't accomplish anything.
My H has also told me that he understands that I'm not affectionate. If I initiate affection, it might be to make him happy and NOT because I want to. He thinks being affectionate should come "naturally" and because I'm not the type to initiate affection, he knows it won't be natural. Hope this makes sense. I guess that's why I won't try.
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