I want that loving feeling again

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
I want that loving feeling again
49
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 12:42am
I recently got married a few months ago and now my marriage just "exists". We only went out for about 6 months and then got married. We argue alot over little things. My husband used to be affectionate and now he just puts his hands in his pockets whenever we go anywhere. We hardly hold hands anymore. I'll admit, I'm not the most affectionate. Before we got married, we were in-love and did everything together. But I guess with all the arguements that we've had, he seems so distant. So, how can I get back that loving feeling we once had?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 7:11pm

casey0201,

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BINGO! Actions speak louder then words and your actions of not being an affectionate person are telling him more then you just saying the words that you want him. You're right on the point when you say that just saying it doesn't help the problem. You actually have to do something to help the problem.

Best of luck,
Defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 7:37pm

<>

Can you please tell me what I did wrong since I'm the one that didn't think I did anything wrong. I like to learn from my mistake in hopes of whatever I did, I won't do it again.

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That is what I've been saying. That's what I mean by his not accepting me for who I am. He knows I'm not the type to initiate affection, therefore, he shouldn't be discourage. I thought just saying "I want him" would be enough due to I'm not the one to initiate affection. Why marry someone and be discourage when you knew from the start that the other person just doesn't initiate the affection. Now, does this make sense?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 7:59pm

I have a feeling that if I go to counseling and "change" my way of communicating, my H might think I'm "manipulating" him but in a different way, therefore, I won't accomplish anything.


You have a fear that it won't w;ork, I understand that.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 8:01pm

I'm confused about the whole movie/holding hands thing.

The first time he stopped holding your hand, you asked why and he replied that he wanted you to initiate it.

So, second time round you knew it was important to him that you initiate it and you wanted to have his hand in yours.... why didn't you just hold his hand? It's such a small action on your part and would have meant so much to him. He's discouraged and feeling rejected, yet you still won't budge. Marriage is give and take. You've got to give a bit too!

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 8:10pm

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Because I'm not very good at initiating affection. Its not an easy task for me to initiate affection. Another thing, since he feels rejected, I, too feel rejected because he doesn't want to hold hands anymore therefore, I don't take that extra effort to try to initiate it. Its probably wrong to feel this way, but unfortunately, its the way I feel. I guess I feel just as rejected as he does.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 8:44pm

message deleted by me

see my post #43




Edited 5/28/2006 3:20 am ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 10:05pm

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I disagree with your statement. I am NOT good at initiating affection nor have I ever been. I'm just not an affectionate person.

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I don't think he does want me to change. He says that he doesn't want me to change just like he doesn't want me to change him.

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Again, I disagree with your statement. I have never had this problem, until now. The boyfriends that I have had, excepted me for who I am. I've had several long term relationships before I got married and affection was never a problem.

<>

Excuse me??? If this is the case, this wouldn't be a problem if my H would accepted me for who I am rather than think I'm going to change. He knew from the start I'm not a person that initiated affection, therefore, why would he think I would change once we got married?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 10:40pm

So I guess you are at a stale mate and there is absolutely no hope to get back that loving feeling because neither of you are willing to do what it would take to get there.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 10:45pm

Hi again, Casey! It's very common for people to think, "This problem will go away after we are married," because we all have fantasies about what married life is SUPPOSED to be like. We just naturally assume that once we are married, things will just fall into palce, and we'll be living the fantasy. We also assume that the fantasy marriage we have in mind is the same one being fantasized by our partner. This is almost NEVER the case.

I understand that you are telling us that you're not good at initiating affection. Just for a second, visualize yourself initiating affection with your husband. What do you do to initiate affection, and what happens as a result?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 10:50pm

message deleted by me.

see my post #43




Edited 5/28/2006 3:18 am ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace