I want that loving feeling again
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I want that loving feeling again
| Tue, 05-23-2006 - 12:42am |
I recently got married a few months ago and now my marriage just "exists". We only went out for about 6 months and then got married. We argue alot over little things. My husband used to be affectionate and now he just puts his hands in his pockets whenever we go anywhere. We hardly hold hands anymore. I'll admit, I'm not the most affectionate. Before we got married, we were in-love and did everything together. But I guess with all the arguements that we've had, he seems so distant. So, how can I get back that loving feeling we once had?

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I'm not trying to be ungrateful, however, getting responses such as
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Sorry to have wasted everyone's time. I never said anything about being "right". For me, its all about accepting a person for who they are. I guess no one will understand, or maybe its probably all my fault since, ivaisha2004 stated "this whole problem started because I didn't wanted to initiat affection. I guess its all my fault.
Edited 5/27/2006 11:46 pm ET by casey0201
I apologise for being so blunt. I suppose I am frustrated by not being able to understand why you can't initiate affection. But my frustrations are no excuse for my bluntness.
When my husband met me, I was blunt and he accepted me anyway. But as time went on, I realised that although being blunt is natural to me, there is a better way. If I am could learn to be assertive instead of agressive, I could get my point across and everyone else is happy too. I've been working on improving myself. It's a slow process and as you can see, I do still slip up! But just because something is in your nature does not mean that you can't work on changing or tempering that attitude. Hon, if I can try to learn to be less blunt (albeit with slip-ups), you can try to learn to give affection (with slip-ups). Trust me, it's well worth changing our negative traits for the health of our marriages.
Trying my posts again with more tact....
I totally understand that you want him to accept you for who you are and that you want him to meet your needs. That's OK.
But it's a two way street. You also need to accept him for who he is and help meet HIS needs in return. He's a man who NEEDS you to initiate physical affection. You did not know this when you married him - but as you'd only known each other for 6 months, there would have been a whole lot you didn't know about each other. Just as you weren't aware that he needed affection - he probably wasn't aware that you wouldn't give any to him either. This isn't your fault and it's not his either - it's simply a result of a quick engagement.
One of the reasons that I believe you have to make the first move is because he's spent up till now meeting your needs, while having his own needs neglected. At present, he's feeling emotionally empty and simply cannot give any more. He needs your to help to fill that emotional void. When this emotional void has something inside it, THEN he'll be able to give again.
Look at it this way: even if you can get him to come around to your way of thinking and give affection without expecting it to be returned - it's only a matter of time before he starts finding himself attracted to women who WILL show him affection. If we leave our partner's needs unacknowledged and unmet, they will eventually seek fulfillment from somewhere else. Be it before or after leaving the marriage. Trust me on this one....I've been there.
At the very least, you have to meet him half way on this one.
Edited 5/28/2006 3:17 am ET by iv_aisha2004
Assigning fault and keeping score are a hinderance to your goal.
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I think you probably hit the nail on the head. Either that or maybe he's just waiting for me. He made a statement to me (in one of our fights. When I asked him to encourage me to become more affectionate, he made a comment "Why should I have to work harder for you to become more affectionate just to make me happy". I'm kind of trying to understand this statement. I mean, I think I understand it but maybe I really just don't get it.
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You know I'm not sure if this would help. My H already knows I'm not affectionate therefore, if I'm too become more affectionate, he might get suspicious. I'm not so sure if putting effort will really do any good. I've been observent these last couple of weeks and everytime we walk, whatever side I'm on, that's the hand he puts in his pocket. FOr example, when I walk on his right side, he puts his right hand in his pocket. I must admit its really bothering me alot. I'm really starting to feel very hurt. But I don't bring it up because I'm not the best in being tactful. Because I don't want to talk about it, now I find myself not doing anything with him.
We are avid golfers and love to go to the movies. However, lately, I find myself telling him excuses on why I don't want to go to either. Even going out to dinner I'm finding myself saying "why don't you pick something up and we will just eat at home.
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I'm sorry if I frustrated you. Believe me, I'm just as frustrated. To be quite frank, my frustrations is more about being hurt. Because I'm hurt, I think that's why I'm probably making up excuses on why I won't do something. Does this make sense?
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deflappardgal - can you please explain the above post or can someone explain. I still don't get it.
>>I'm not so sure if putting effort will really do any good<<
This is only a true statement if he wants to walk out of the marriage. If not, then any form of reaching out will be good.
I suggest that over a bottle of wine, you say that you feel something is missing in this marriage for him. Ask him what changes could make things better for him. And when he answers, just listen and learn to understand why he needs what he does. Even though some of his answer will come across as criticism of you, don't defend your actions. This will be a painful process for you, but you need to find out what he wants. And only when you know what he wants can you start to address both of your needs at the same time.
However, I will caution you that no matter what, you will have to learn to give affection if you want this marriage to work. Are you up for it?
You said >>if I'm too become more affectionate, he might get suspicious<<
I thought that he'd simply assume you were trying to make amends. Is there any other type of reaction that you think he'd be likely to have? If so, why?
>>He made a statement to me (in one of our fights. When I asked him to encourage me to become more affectionate, he made a comment "Why should I have to work harder for you to become more affectionate just to make me happy". I'm kind of trying to understand this statement. I mean, I think I understand it but maybe I really just don't get it.<<
May I suggest that you stop trying to analyse past dialogue (especially from fighting) and start thinking about what is said while you are trying to solve this problem? Re-hashing old things with him is really only going to compound the situation.
"My H already knows I'm not affectionate therefore, if I'm too become more affectionate, he might get suspicious."
You have said more than once that if you display affection toward your husband, he will get suspicious, assume you are trying to manipulate him, etc. However, I really don't think you are going to be able to sneak a major change in your behavior past him. At some point he is going to notice that things are different, but the goal is for him to notice that they are different in a GOOD way, so he won't care. Also, you are thinking that your husband will be aware of the profound struggle you are experiencing as you work on displaying more affection, and will reject your efforts on the basis of his charmingly naive notion that relationships should not require work. I, on the other hand, am thinking that your husband is somewhat self-involved, and is not likely to notice your struggle unless you bring it to his attention, so don't undermine your efforts by doing that.
I asked you in an earlier post to take a quiet moment and visualize yourself initiating affection with your husband. If you are willing to do that now, it might help us understand what is going on in your mind when the "initiate affection" idea comes up. These should be ideal conditions, not trying to initiate affection on a busy streetcorner at rush hour. Imagine the circumstances, what you do, and what the result is. Don't try to rush or force your visualization in any way. And then share your insights with us.
Aisha said: "May I suggest that you stop trying to analyse past dialogue (especially from fighting) and start thinking about what is said while you are trying to solve this problem? Re-hashing old things with him is really only going to compound the situation."
I think she is exactly right. Things he has said during fights (while you were on that dangerous driveway), his comment about the dog, everything he has said in the past is just IN THE PAST--this is a new day, and old things said in hurt or anger are going to drift away.
Casey, we are not giving up, because you are not giving up. You have already generated a thread that is 45 posts long because of your refusal to stop trying. Please keep posting, and remember that who you are is not graven in stone. If you choose, you can make changes in the way you approach and respond to life that will make your relationship with your husband much more meaningful and rewarding.
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Yes, I remember your request and did not forget. I'm in my early 40's have never had to become more affectionate. I have other qualities to make up for my non-affectionate ways such as being respectful, support, sense of humor, etc. To be honest, this is all very new to me. I never thought that I would have to be the initiator in being affectionate. I know that I need it because I don't ever recall rejecting it...ever. I have never told my H that I didn't like affection. Nor have I ever rejected my H when he would reach out.
With geoteo's request I have taken a quiet moment with visualizing initiating affection. I feel nervous just to think about it. I get knotts in my stomach. I can only think of about 10 times to where I initiated affection. In fact it was during the time we were going out I would joke and say something like "I initiated affection because it was me that initiated giving you a kiss" and then he would respond back and say while I'v initiated giving you a kiss hundreds of time.
However, since we got married, I would say say a handful of times. I remembered about a few weeks ago I gave him this passionate kiss and after the kiss I was hoping he would say "Wow, what a kiss"...but all he did was just looked back at the tv. I was hurt and I think since then I didn't initiate affection anymore.
I remembered about a week ago, I said to my H since you can't give me a kiss, let's get a hug. He couldn't give me a kiss because he's had the flu for a little over a week. Anyways, I initiated it but no encouragement from him. And then this morning as I'm heading to the gym, he was on the computer and I came up behind him and wrap my arms around his neck (hoping he would at least put his hand on my arm) and said I'm going to the gym, see ya later. Again, I was hurt. So, I guess the little affection that I do once in a while, I don't feel he wants me to.
Yes, I agree with ivaisha and geteo that I need to stop re-hashing. I guess I re-hash stuff because I don't get it. Once I get it, then I stop re-hashing. Does that make sense?
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I'm not sure if I can accept him not wanting to hold hands or being affectionate. I believe if one of the spouse isn't the affectionate one, then the other person should be. How many non-affectionate couples really work out? I don't think too many. That was one of the things I loved about my H...because he couldn't keep his hands off me. I thought, ok, he likes being affectionate...I like being affectionate...except I have a problem of being the initiator...but I thought that would be ok, because he would make up for my lack of initiating affection. I guess I was wrong.
Sorry I'm coming in VERY late to this discussion, but I noticed a few common "themes" in your posts that I'd like to comment on.
First, you keep saying that your DH should "just accept that this who you are" (not used to initiating anything). If that's so, then you also need to accept who he is. And that appears to be a person who doesn't deal well with rejection. I know you have said that you don't recall rejecting him, but forcing him to initiate all of the time IS a form of rejection. It's telling him that he needs to put forth all of the effort and that his needs don't really matter. He's even come right out and told you this (with the 3 times of not holding hands during the movies). He told you that he needed you to hold his hand first sometimes and you refused. That's rejecting him. That was an open form of rejection, but the subtle ones are just as bad.
Another is when someone posts an idea to try, it's met with "I don't think that will work because xxxx". The only thing that you KNOW won't work is what you're doing now. If you want things to change, you'll have to try some new things that may or may not work and will almost definately be uncomfortable at first.
Lastly, it appears as if you're trying to assign blame (on either him or on yourself). That won't get you anywhere. It doesn't matter whose fault something was or who started it. In regards to you being "wishy-washy" on the way to dinner and then asking him "if he's trying to start a fight" - You keep asking if you were wrong in that. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that between you and your DH, "thems is fightin' words" (to paraphrase Bugs Bunny). So learn from that. Try not to use that phrase (or anything similar) when you feel an argument coming on. And if he does it, just tell him no you're not and then get back to the original subject.
A great book for you to read is "The Five Love Languages" by Dr Gary Chapman. It talks about how different people use different languages to communicate. It sounds as if his "love language" is physical touch. While it may have worked for a while with him doing all of the initiating, his tank may be running on empty which is why he doesn't initiate any more. You each need to learn to communicate in the other's language. You may need to initiate some of the time (even if he rejects you at first and even tho it's not something you've ever "had" to learn to do before).
Best of luck
Jeff
I very much appreciate everyone's opinion. I've decided to make an effort. I don't want this marriage to end nor do I even want us to live separately for a while.
I've created another thread in hopes of receiving some suggestions.
Again, thanks to everyone that replied in my thread.
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