I want to move and he doesn't

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2013
I want to move and he doesn't
14
Sun, 01-27-2013 - 11:50pm

I've had this discussion with my husband numerous times - we've been together roughly 6 years, married for 3, both in our upper twenties with no kids - about moving and living in southern California. It's been a dream of mine since I was a child, I've been there a few times and fell in love with the place and we have mutual friends that live there. I've always wanted to live and work there - I grew up in a small town in the country and have wanted to live in and experience big city life for as long as I can remember. When we got married in 2009, the house we bought we had to stay in for 3 years in order to receive money back, and those 3 years are up, that's why I've been bringing up moving to him. Well, just this past Friday, I brought it up again, saying that I've been applying for jobs and if he has been. He said no, he doesn't think he'll find a job out there since what he does for a living is so specific, that he doesn't want to live there and that he doesn't see us moving anytime soon. I said what about my career, my job, what I want to do for a living and is my career and my dreams not important? And he just rolled his eyes and shook his head. This made me very upset and I felt extremely belittled that he basically seems to think my dreams and my career aren't as important as his just because he makes more money than me. This has been ongoing for quite sometime and I think it's also affecting other parts of our marriage. For the past few months he's been gone traveling or spending weekends away with his friends. I do the same when he's gone, but this weekend when we finally had time together we went to dinner and we had nothing to talk about besides me bringing up moving. I'm not sure what to do here - I even thought about seeking professional counseling by myself to help clear my head and figure things out just for me. But when he told me "No...I don't see us moving anytime soon" this just makes me feel like I have no say or no choice and I'm stuck here feeling unhappy in my work life and marriage life. When I bring up moving, he just shuts down, becomes extremely stubborn and won't talk to me. I don't know what else to do here.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 1:14am

I'm not sure how your going to solve this to where you can BOTH be happy. He seems to be adament about NOT moving and you want to move. First off you both would have to have some pretty good jobs lined up before you could move, because living in Caifornia is very expensive. I can understand why you'd want to move there as it is beautiful there, but what if you move to Cally and he's miserable there?  Seems like there's no happy medium here and it doesn't sound like he's going to budge on this either, so it may come down to what's more important to you, moving to Cally or your marriage.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 8:47am

randi255 wrote:
<p>I've had this discussion with my husband numerous times - we've been together roughly 6 years, married for 3, both in our upper twenties with no kids - about moving and living in southern California. It's been a dream of mine since I was a child, I've been there a few times and fell in love with the place and we have mutual friends that live there. I've always wanted to live and work there - I grew up in a small town in the country and have wanted to live in and experience big city life for as long as I can remember. When we got married in 2009, the house we bought we had to stay in for 3 years in order to receive money back, and those 3 years are up, that's why I've been bringing up moving to him. Well, just this past Friday, I brought it up again, saying that I've been applying for jobs and if he has been. He said no, he doesn't think he'll find a job out there since what he does for a living is so specific, that he doesn't want to live there and that he doesn't see us moving anytime soon. I said what about my career, my job, what I want to do for a living and is my career and my dreams not important? And he just rolled his eyes and shook his head. This made me very upset and I felt extremely belittled that he basically seems to think my dreams and my career aren't as important as his just because he makes more money than me. This has been ongoing for quite sometime and I think it's also affecting other parts of our marriage. For the past few months he's been gone traveling or spending weekends away with his friends. I do the same when he's gone, but this weekend when we finally had time together we went to dinner and we had nothing to talk about besides me bringing up moving. I'm not sure what to do here - I even thought about seeking professional counseling by myself to help clear my head and figure things out just for me. But when he told me "No...I don't see us moving anytime soon" this just makes me feel like I have no say or no choice and I'm stuck here feeling unhappy in my work life and marriage life. When I bring up moving, he just shuts down, becomes extremely stubborn and won't talk to me. I don't know what else to do here.</p>

Hindsight, being 20/20, says that this was an issue that needed to be brought up, discussed and the timetable agreed upon before you walked down the aisle with this man.  It doesn't sound like, from what you've written, that it was really seriously discussed.   It sounds more like you may have brought it up a few times, but your intent was never, ever made clear to him.  You married him and moved into a house with him, but did you say before you moved into the house that at the end of 3 years time, you were going to start your west coast job search in earnest?

Having lived there myself, California is a beautiful place, that is for sure, but it is not a place to be without a sufficient means of support.  And really, until you have been offered a job with a really good salary, this whole moving issue is rather moot. 

 You both will need good paying jobs to afford adequate housing--and that most likely won't be near any water. 

I think you need to start preparing yourself for losing one of the two: your dream of living in California or your marriage, because from what you've written, it doesn't sound like your husband wants to move out to Cali.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 12:38pm

Well you have an impasse right now where you want to move to SoCal & he doesn't, but is there a 3rd location that he would be willing to move to that you would like?  Is he correct that his job would be available only in certain areas?  Would he be willing to move to a different place if he could get a job there?  If he does make more money, it's more important for him to get a new job--that's only being realistic.  what kind of field are you in?  Unless you're going to be in the movie industry, couldn't you get a job somewhere else?  there are a lot of other cities that are in a warm climate besides Calif--is he interested in moving anywhere or is it that he really wants to stay where you are now?  And what are his specific reasons for wanting to stay?  I do think it's good to try to talk this out w./ a counselor because if you don't, either your marriage is going out the window, which you don't want to do w/o trying everything to save it, or you'll be staying in the land of resentment, which isn't good for the marriage either.  You know, my cousin, who is from RI, got a job after college in upstate NY, where he met his wife.  They lived there for a few years and then he got offered a job in CT, so he could live in southern RI and he was happy cause it was near his family and the beach--he told her at that time it was only supposed to be for a few years, and maybe that was the original plan, but once their kids got settled in school, then they didn't want to move back again either so now there are no plans to ever move back to RI.  so giving your DH the benefit of the doubt, maybe he thought he might want to move, but once he got settled in his job and made friends and just got used to where you are living now, he just decided there was no reason to move, esp. when everything is up in the air.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 7:32pm

Hi,

You've heard the saying: "Bloom where you're planted."

You've married, bought a house, you both have good jobs, you're young, you have your whole life a head of you. This is no longer just about you. It's now about "us."

I think you're missing out on what's right in front you. You're so busy looking over the fence at California and you've told yourself you can only be happy if you're there.

Well, bloom where you're planted. Happiness is staring you in the face. You just have to stop looking over the fence to see it. 

Alot of people think if they just move somewhere else (or change jobs or change spouses or buy a new car) their lives will be so much better. What they discover is they're still the same person, just in a different city, with a different spouse, or a different car.)

Change comes from within. I suggest you focus on making your marriage successful and keep California in perspective. You may have your chance to move there but for now enjoy the opportunities you have to visit, vacation, or travel there for work.

Your husband is more important than a location. I hope one day you'll mature enough to see that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 7:51pm

This reminds me of something I read in Oprah magazine--seriously.  She interview the Buddhist monk Thich Nat Hanh and he said something like "You have everything you need to be happy right now."  You know how everyone is saying they will be happy if they had more money, a better job, a boyfriend or whatever--it is a lot how you look at things.  I think it would be hard if you had something terrible like extreme poverty, disease or something big like that, but I think for most people a lot is in the attitude.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 01-29-2013 - 12:21am

Yep, Attitude is everything. As you said, except in cases or extreme poverty or disease, I believe life is what you make of it. You can chose to be happy or you can chose to be miserable. I have a friend whom I care very much about, she has good health, a nice succesful husband, nice home, successful children with excellent jobs, and she has never had to work a day outside of her home, a life most people would love to have, but I dread getting a call from her because all she does is look for things to complain and be negative about. I don't get it.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 01-29-2013 - 11:11am

I guess you have to decide between your marriage and moving to CA. H seems 100% against moving.

You say you will be stuck there feeling unhappy in your work life and your marriage life. So you are saying you are unhappy in your marriage where you live now, but this will magically change if you move to CA? If you are having marriage issues then you first priority should be resolving those. Moving doesn't fix marriages, babies don't fix them, only the two of you can do that.                                                                                                                           

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 01-29-2013 - 10:59pm

  Hi You only get one life.  I would prepare to move.  If he is not onboard too bad.  It is for you. Yes California is expensive.  But all good places are.  There is no cheap good place.  Just make sure that you do not sabotage yourself (getting pregnant etc).  Apply for jobs clean up your Linkin,FaceBook Put aside money to go out and scout places etc.  Be sure your pay and benefits match the living costs. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Thu, 01-31-2013 - 5:58pm

I went through something similar to this but backwards of your situation.

We lived in a big city and I had always wanted to move somewhere more quiet and smaller. After 15 years of big city living, we started house hunting and our circle got wider and wider, till we finally found a house we both loved 100 miles away from where he worked. Luckily my job was telecommutable so I could work anywhere.

He tried working in the small town, but the pay and the work was not the same, though he was in the same line of work, with the same conglomerate. So he ended up going back to the company that he had worked at for almost 20 years. We solved the issue with him taking our motor home and staying down there 5 days and 4 nights a week. It was a tough 9 years of this, but we adjusted. I took care of the house, kids and did my work when he was gone, and tried to have the same days off that he did.

He is now retired and is home with me, I still work at home, and he has taken over the house hold duties and the kids.

This is just to show you that compromise can be reached, it just might not be the most perfect one.

Is there a way you can extend your plans a bit longer so that you can eventually move to SoCal rather than make it a breakable situation? Sometimes putting a dream on hold for a bit longer, makes it all the sweeter once you realize the dream.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 02-01-2013 - 7:51pm

There is a lot of truth in what Happyfifties wrote.

Another question is, while you have always wanted to live in SoCal since you were young, have you lived/worked in a large city for extended period of time?  The reason I ask is I worked in NYC before, and ran into many people who dreamed to being in a big city but could not handle the stress, noise, high cost of living, etc. and ended up leaving.  What I hate to see is for you to give up your marriage and move, then find out SoCal is not what you imagine to be.

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