I want to move and he doesn't

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2013
I want to move and he doesn't
14
Sun, 01-27-2013 - 11:50pm

I've had this discussion with my husband numerous times - we've been together roughly 6 years, married for 3, both in our upper twenties with no kids - about moving and living in southern California. It's been a dream of mine since I was a child, I've been there a few times and fell in love with the place and we have mutual friends that live there. I've always wanted to live and work there - I grew up in a small town in the country and have wanted to live in and experience big city life for as long as I can remember. When we got married in 2009, the house we bought we had to stay in for 3 years in order to receive money back, and those 3 years are up, that's why I've been bringing up moving to him. Well, just this past Friday, I brought it up again, saying that I've been applying for jobs and if he has been. He said no, he doesn't think he'll find a job out there since what he does for a living is so specific, that he doesn't want to live there and that he doesn't see us moving anytime soon. I said what about my career, my job, what I want to do for a living and is my career and my dreams not important? And he just rolled his eyes and shook his head. This made me very upset and I felt extremely belittled that he basically seems to think my dreams and my career aren't as important as his just because he makes more money than me. This has been ongoing for quite sometime and I think it's also affecting other parts of our marriage. For the past few months he's been gone traveling or spending weekends away with his friends. I do the same when he's gone, but this weekend when we finally had time together we went to dinner and we had nothing to talk about besides me bringing up moving. I'm not sure what to do here - I even thought about seeking professional counseling by myself to help clear my head and figure things out just for me. But when he told me "No...I don't see us moving anytime soon" this just makes me feel like I have no say or no choice and I'm stuck here feeling unhappy in my work life and marriage life. When I bring up moving, he just shuts down, becomes extremely stubborn and won't talk to me. I don't know what else to do here.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Sun, 04-21-2013 - 1:34pm

What have you decided to do, Randi255?  What's happened between you since you posted?


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2012
Wed, 04-03-2013 - 5:00am
May I suggest you and hubby need to do some heavy duty communications. Remember Men only talk when needed and then in with short precise replies. I know the why yet not the answer; one is you already know the right answer and want us to confirm it, you ask questions which any answer is we lose, we do listen after you advise us to listen, don't be offended if we say no just find out why, if you take the 'it's my way or the highway' we receive let's get into an argument so nobody wins, now aren't you more skillful a communicator he has plenty of good reasons and you just haven't created an environment where he feel safe to talk. Practice being a good listener it's #1 for a successful marriage he will talk you might not hear the answer you want but remember it happens both ways. Paradise can be anywhere if you take a positive attitude remember beautiful scenery only goes so far before I've seen that or been there takes the shine off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Wed, 03-06-2013 - 11:45pm

You only live once is right.  Living a life you regret won't make you ahppy - ever.

If living in SoCal is that important to you, it may come down to you moving down there by yourself.  You can move on a trial basis and see  what happens.  Maybe he'll visit enough times that he either finds there is work for him there (I have a hard time thinking any specialty career wouldn't be an option there) and/or he finds he loves it there too.  OR you may find living there isn't all you thought it would be.  You've got to know though, that a move like that may be the beginning of the end for your marriage too.  If it's as important to you as you indicate it is, I don't think you'll be happy if you don't do it and staying put will only make you resentful.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 02-04-2013 - 4:22pm

Been there.  I think at some point many of us get the urge to be somewhere we're not.  I'm not sure where you're moving FROM, but you mentioned wanting to live IN a big city.  Are you prepared to lower your standard of living to do so?  Housing out there can be a deal breaker, so I'll assume you've already checked that out and still want to go there.  What happens if he's right and he truly cannot find a job?  Things are tough for far too many people these days and jobs can be very scarce, so if he cannot get a job, can you alone support it all?  Housing costs a fortune in California - my DH was in high tech and traveled there all the time, and was shocked to find one of his BOSSES lives in a tiny two-bedroom ranch on a 1/4 acre lot in a virtual OCEAN of identical houses, and even THAT cost about $600,000 fifteen years ago in Silicon Valley in the burbs south of SF.  When we moved where we've lived for 20 years now, we'd been itching to get here for a long time...but it just was not in the cards.  Now I'm itching to move from here to be near what's left of our families, and once again it's a waiting game.  What's really more important to you?  He appears to be thinking of practicality, you seem to be thinking it's your turn.  Trust me, zillions of us go thru this very same thing.  If you will need two incomes, maybe compromise is the solution.  Where ELSE might you be able to live that lights you up - both of you?  And where jobs can be found for both?  And where housing is affordable?  No matter what, this change may take serious time, as in years, and that's not what you want to hear, I know.  If you getting your career moving is more important to you now than your marriage, for real, then maybe that's the road you're supposed to take right now.  Some marriages do survive bi-coastal living, but then again that's very pricey to do.  I think your thought of seeing a therapist is a good one, you might hear different feedback from a professional than you'll hear on iV.  Is it possible for you to just relax about this for awhile, not bring it up for awhile, and in the meantime think of what possibilities exist right where you are now?  I really doubt you're going to find a quick fix, so do try a therapist to help get your head on straight.  And if you haven't already done it, maybe the two of you should take a week's vacation to exactly where you have in mind.  If you've ever watched House Hunters on t.v., I'm always amazed all of them appear to NOT bother to find out if their desired location really suits them completely - for us noise is a deal breaker, so when house hunting we went to possible houses at various times of the day and just SAT there in our car, listening.  One or two were so loud with barking dogs or other noise, we changed our minds.  Your wish list may be impossible or it might change. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 02-01-2013 - 7:51pm

There is a lot of truth in what Happyfifties wrote.

Another question is, while you have always wanted to live in SoCal since you were young, have you lived/worked in a large city for extended period of time?  The reason I ask is I worked in NYC before, and ran into many people who dreamed to being in a big city but could not handle the stress, noise, high cost of living, etc. and ended up leaving.  What I hate to see is for you to give up your marriage and move, then find out SoCal is not what you imagine to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Thu, 01-31-2013 - 5:58pm

I went through something similar to this but backwards of your situation.

We lived in a big city and I had always wanted to move somewhere more quiet and smaller. After 15 years of big city living, we started house hunting and our circle got wider and wider, till we finally found a house we both loved 100 miles away from where he worked. Luckily my job was telecommutable so I could work anywhere.

He tried working in the small town, but the pay and the work was not the same, though he was in the same line of work, with the same conglomerate. So he ended up going back to the company that he had worked at for almost 20 years. We solved the issue with him taking our motor home and staying down there 5 days and 4 nights a week. It was a tough 9 years of this, but we adjusted. I took care of the house, kids and did my work when he was gone, and tried to have the same days off that he did.

He is now retired and is home with me, I still work at home, and he has taken over the house hold duties and the kids.

This is just to show you that compromise can be reached, it just might not be the most perfect one.

Is there a way you can extend your plans a bit longer so that you can eventually move to SoCal rather than make it a breakable situation? Sometimes putting a dream on hold for a bit longer, makes it all the sweeter once you realize the dream.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 01-29-2013 - 10:59pm

  Hi You only get one life.  I would prepare to move.  If he is not onboard too bad.  It is for you. Yes California is expensive.  But all good places are.  There is no cheap good place.  Just make sure that you do not sabotage yourself (getting pregnant etc).  Apply for jobs clean up your Linkin,FaceBook Put aside money to go out and scout places etc.  Be sure your pay and benefits match the living costs. 

chaika

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 01-29-2013 - 11:11am

I guess you have to decide between your marriage and moving to CA. H seems 100% against moving.

You say you will be stuck there feeling unhappy in your work life and your marriage life. So you are saying you are unhappy in your marriage where you live now, but this will magically change if you move to CA? If you are having marriage issues then you first priority should be resolving those. Moving doesn't fix marriages, babies don't fix them, only the two of you can do that.                                                                                                                           

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 01-29-2013 - 12:21am

Yep, Attitude is everything. As you said, except in cases or extreme poverty or disease, I believe life is what you make of it. You can chose to be happy or you can chose to be miserable. I have a friend whom I care very much about, she has good health, a nice succesful husband, nice home, successful children with excellent jobs, and she has never had to work a day outside of her home, a life most people would love to have, but I dread getting a call from her because all she does is look for things to complain and be negative about. I don't get it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 7:51pm

This reminds me of something I read in Oprah magazine--seriously.  She interview the Buddhist monk Thich Nat Hanh and he said something like "You have everything you need to be happy right now."  You know how everyone is saying they will be happy if they had more money, a better job, a boyfriend or whatever--it is a lot how you look at things.  I think it would be hard if you had something terrible like extreme poverty, disease or something big like that, but I think for most people a lot is in the attitude.

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