I want a space of my own.
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| Sat, 02-25-2006 - 2:04pm |
I have no Sanctuary in my own house. Sure I can go get into my car, the only place that I have complete control. But to find a sanctuary in my house has been impossible.
I have two kids ( a preteen boy and a teenage daughter) and DH. These people have over taken all areas of the house. Let's start at the front door. You enter and there to your right my DS controls the first half of the living room with his gaming computer. Move further into the living room where my DD controls the sitting area with various music videos, hair style magazines and any hobby she is into for the week.
Then we can enter the dining area, where you would think there would only be the dining table and a couple of chairs, but no my husband has put his exercise bike by the window ( the only window in the room. The table contains Connect-Four, Stratego, and Chess games of my DS. Then you look over to the wet-bar where my DH stores all his junk mail. This area remains untidy because any time I toss anything out it is suddenly very important to him. Although it has sat there for a whopping two months, untouched.
Then we move to the kitchen. You would think surely this is the womans playground - NOT. I like clean, uncluttered counters but not the rest of the family who always come behind me and clutter them up. The breakfast table is always cluttered with my DH's newspaper from the day or two before (I can't toss them for fear of him saying he was still reading it).
Then we go to the laundry room. Who needs a laundry room, my DH. He never puts his uniforms in the closet (I've tried with no success in keeping them their) and my DS fails to comprehend what dresser drawers are for so his socks, and underwear remain in the washroom until he's ready to wear them.
Then their is the lovely master bathroom. I don't like for visitors to see what products I use for my daily ritual but my husband doesn't care and that is why he has up to 10 to 15 items on the counter daily.
Then we move into the master bedroom where my DH rules again. The computer area is surrounded by unused discs of all sorts, cables, empty software boxes and so on... I can't throw anything out for fear that he was keeping something. Under the bed and the closet is just as bad. All things that haven't been used in years, yet he doesn't toss anything out.
There is also a second floor to our home. The children each have their rooms (Junk Piles) and my DH pretty much rules the Study and the attached closets - yes there are two closets and his stuff occuppies both.
I thought the garage was going to finally be mine. But alas, no. My DH's failed candle business occuppies a full wall and his unused tools the other. DH also bought a large home gym and weights that take up the entire middle of the floor. I wonder if he will use them more than four times. I seriously doubt it, he had a gym membership for two years and he only went twice in the two years.
So where is my one peaceful spot? My car and the left side of the bed. These are the only areas that I have complete control and that just isn't going to work for me any longer. I'm not going to take it any longer.

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you've got your work cut out for you!
I'm going to give you the following advice with the assumption that you've discussed this issue with them numerous times.
I suggest that you tell them all that you've had it with their mess. Book a truck from the local Goodwill store. When you've got a pick-up date, tell your family that anything that is not in it's place by the day before gets donated. And then do it. And yes, I'm talking clothes, bikes, text books, shoes....EVERYTHING. Send it all to the local Goodwill store. If they want it back, they'll have to wait till it gets on the shelves and buy it back.
(In the name of compromise, let DH have the garage to store all his stuff and you can have a clean house)
After you've been through this a number of times, they should get to realise that you're serious. These guys seriously need to learn consequences of their actions.
I really appreciate your advice. The local Goodwill gets lots of my things, emphasis on *my*. Donated to charities is how I am able to control what little areas I can. I also am a Thrift store junkie. But it is a cycle of buying and releasing when appropriate. If I wear it on a consistent basis it stays if not bye-bye. When the children’s clothes get too small that is when I cart theirs off to the Goodwill as well.
I wrote my earlier message after cleaning house this morning, so I guess that's why my message was a little over the top. But I waited for the children to get up and started them on their clean-up. I was just fed up.
Now DH can have half of the garage not all, unless he is willing to give up the study then he can have it all. I want a space to practice painting portraits,and sewing. He has so many hobbies; there is no room for me. He has computer building, guitar making, music making wood working projects and they are all over the house in various closets. I just wish he kept an organized mess.
I hear you on feeling like you try so hard to keep it organized and it just doesn't happen. My suggestion is to buy laundry baskets in different colors (one for everyone) and dump all their stuff in there and then put it on their beds. And then when you have more stuff of theirs, dump the basket out and repeat. Your kids can trash their rooms, your DH can trash one area (garage or study) and then the rest is a different story. BUT I will say that since they've been this way for so long, it's not too likely to change. But you can at least get the house tidy (with their help!) except for the bedrooms. Let them deal with those. And if they aren't neat, have consequences. No computer, no phone, no friends/mall/movies/ etc. And then stick to it.
Jen
Welcome to the board, Iam1nell, sorry I'm getting here so late.
I assume you've talked to your husband about the fact that your entire house is in disarray. What does he say? He doesn't support your need for a cleaner environment and a place to call your own? Let me know, my suggestions will differ, depending on knowing the answers.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
**My suggestion is to buy laundry baskets in different colors (one for everyone) and dump all their stuff in there and then put it on their beds.**
This is so funny (imasillynut) because as I was washing the clothes that very thought came to my mind. When I read your response I burst-out-and-started laughing. My husband came in the room I suspect to see what I was hee hawing about. Now the color coded baskets are definitely on the shopping list.
Thanks for the laugh and advice.
In response to DH supporting my need for a cleaner home. He does help in getting the children to straighten up their messes from time to time. But he is the "Man of the House" so he doesn't see a need to pick up after himself as much. And this is just how I've interpreted his unwillingness to organize things.
And as far as us discussing me having a space of my own, usually leads us into a heated battle over HIM needing a space of his own (he likes to crank his rock and roll up loud, but can't do so because the study is an open concept).So I guess the answer is no, he doesn't see a need for me to have a space of my own.
What we need is a house with a den and an extra bedroom. But I'm also a lurker on the Debt Support Group for a reason (LOL with tears)so a new home isn't in the horizon.
Please get yourself under control.
All this chaos didn't happen in a day and it won't be fixed in one night of you "demanding your rights".
if you'd look over how this happened...and that's imoprtant to do before you take action in this case, you'll see that you taught these people to utilize your services, and disregard your presence.
You always bending, stooping, picking, cleaning, doing, offering, providing....your ways always being dismissed and discarded while you steadfastly did the martyr's thing of hanging his clothes in the closet which took time and effort and was not appreciated...it's all done you in.
These are people, and they want to do what they want to do. you teach them how to treat you by how you regard and treat yourself.
And waht you've taught the husband is that to be included and of use and service and benefit to him is your purpose in life.
These kids........they're looking at two parents in name only. One parent has the full run of the house, is working, and is living lage and in the charge....doing waht they want, when adn how they want.
The other one is running around like a martyr with a chip the size of Texas on her shoulder, alwasy trying to be heard, with everybody dismissing waht she says.
Now, the two kids have two role models....and which one do they imitate - dad. Of course, he's living a life, he's got interests and involvements, he's got his way going on - who wants to be "you"...not even you - and you make that clear here, there and everywhere you go.
You will not be respected or heard just because you exist. And if you go into this with the "I've taken all I will tolerate"....get prepared for war on a scale that you're totally unprepared to handle.
Because you don't know how to "fight" for your rights...you want to be walked on and obliterated while you feel sorry for yoruself and then rise up from the grave as a terrifying ghost and get what you want in that manner.
Won't work.....you're giong to talk, and they're going to walk. If you want some space fo ryourself, find the space, make it clear that if they violate it there's a price to pay - don't issue threats you can't uphold, or ultimatums you won't keep.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Hmmm....
What I meant was, does he support your need for cleaner space? If/when you sit down and talk to him about the clutter and how it bothers you does he understand and agree it's important (or that it's important to you)? Rather than helping you pick up the kid's mess, does he help you set up and mandate rules that make the kids responsible for their own mess -- complete with consequences for non-compliance? Instead of arguing about the need for his space, can you talk about both of you getting the space that you need? Can you work together on this? For instance, if you say, "Honey, I really need my own space" and he says, "Well, I need space too!", can you say, "I agree, so let's work together to find a solution that will get both of us what we want". I guess what I hear you say is that he doesn't care about you needs, despite the fact that he has a place he has that he uses and you have nowhere. Or does he disagree with your feeling that no place in the house is yours? I mean, he isn't even agreeable to keeping his discs out of sight and allowing you to have a clean area in your bedroom? As far as cranked up rock, I like that too sometimes (some music just *needs* to be loud), that's what my MP3 player is for, or any other audio device with headphones.
You said he doesn't see the need to clean up after himself. Do you work outside your home? Could it be that he doesn't see the need to clean up because he knows eventually you'll do it? What are you willing to do to change this situation? Are you prepared to take a stand and make it stick no matter how much flack you take for it? In order to create real change you have to be ready. What do you think, are you *there*?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Considering that you have the house you have, with the people in it who are there, if you were to have a space of your own in your house, where would it be, and what would it be like? Once you have figured that out, stake out that area, and start turning it into your space. When people leave things in your area, toss them into the appropriate color-coded laundry basket. If you need to get rid of things that don't need to stay in the house, stash them in the garage, in the area of the failed candle-making business. Keep doing this, relentlessly, without getting angry or accepting any excuses ("I was just leaving it there for a minute!") until they have all learned new habits.
Two other things that worked for my family: one public room in the house was designated the "clean" room, so there was always a place where guests could feel comfortable, and trashing of that room was forbidden. Also, once I had my husband's attention and support, I told my children that I expected the house to be free of their things once a week. On the chosen day, they had until noon to clean their rooms, pick up their stuff from all over the house, etc. At noon-o-five, I made a sweep with a big trash bag, picking up whatever they had "forgotten," and I locked that bag in the trunk of the car. They earned their belongings back a couple at a time by keeping their rooms tidy every day. I think it took two weeks for them to get the message.
Good luck! We are all rooting for you.
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