I want to start a family but I don't know if my boyfriend is family material
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|Wed, 07-25-2012 - 9:46am|
I've been with Chris three and a half years. He's got many good qualities that I love about him. He's been very forgiving of my mistakes of which I've made a few (I won't go into detail but let's just say some guys wouldn't have stuck around) so obviously he isn't afraid of commitment. I'm pretty sure he genuinely loves me. We have discussed marriage and children. At one point I wasn't sure that I wanted any because my life was in turmoil. He is ten years older (Im 31 and he'll be 41 in August) so his response to me saying "don't count on children with me" was that he didn't care either way. He loved me and was willing to settle regardless. He always wanted children, as I have too...but I was 30 and not ready. In the first few months of our third year together things became difficult. We were both stressed and after many arguments we were both fed up. I told him it may be good we have a "break". His nephew was visiting at the time and we were at eachother's throats so I asked him if I should go home for a few days. He said yes. At that point I decided to leave for a few days. I left my pets and clothes and things in his apartment (was living with him) and after a few days texted him to ask if he'd like to see me. The answer was no, his nephew was still there ( I'm assuming he was still holding a grudge and angry ). Finally I couldn't wait anymore I needed my ferrets and I told him we should take some time apart. 3 months later he calls me. In my mind, I had already moved on. I understand he needed time, that's not my issue. He apologized for the way he had been and felt bad that I wasn't a part of him having his nephew there. He said he missed me and wanted to start again and understood we need to communicate better and take care of eachother. I was so happy to finally hear from him I cried. I kind of dropped everything and ran back to him, which now I know was a mistake. I had already decided to start seeing other people, and all that I had experienced in the 3 years taught me how to handle the possibility of another relationship. For ex.----> I would take things slow. Get to know him better and allow him to know me and what I expect too. In a way I was relieved to be starting over, but I must have been masking the pain because as soon as I saw his name on my phone I just cried and cried. But what I discovered during these 3 months was that I di want to have children. And if I do have kids, I want it to be with the right man. Now mind you, my family life is NOT perfect by any means. I have little to no contact with my mother, grew up without a father, and basically it's just me and the woman who raised me- my grandmother. I'm happy with that but I don't want to repeat the mistakes my mother made. I want my child to have both a mother and father who love and respect eachother equally. My concept of a good father is someone who teaches the child to respect the mother, and mom would do the same for dad. Also, the parents need to be able to handle stress and pressure because I'm sure if any of you have kids you know stress is a given. They need to be an example of patience and love, to show them acceptance, and also give their children the tools they need to grow. But if my boyfriend has no communication with his mother and sisters, deals with stress by clamming up and being bitter, and shutters everytime I try to talk to him about something we disagree on ( and I'd say I'm pretty good with bringing conversation up gently ) I'm questioning whether he's the right man I should settle down with. I asked a friend for advice and she says I should discuss these things with him. But everytime I try I think he feels pressured and immediately goes into defensive mode. She said to try counseling, but he always has an excuse to hold off. She says I can't judge now, because kids can change a person....but should I really take that risk?