I'm always right and the world is wrong............

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2014
I'm always right and the world is wrong............
10
Sun, 04-13-2014 - 5:02pm

..........according to him.  Hi everyone.  I am new here but feel like I'm going crazy but then I realize that I don't think it's me!

I really don't.  Sometimes the way I handle issues isn't very grown up (I'm 53) but I despise confrontation.  I met my man on

match.com in December of 2009.  He is four years younger than me.  We fell in love quickly and in March of 2012 we got engaged.

I have two sons who are 12 years apart in age, both born in my marriage to their father.  The younger one is now 16 and lives with me.

He is in one of the best public high schools in the State so I told my fiance that it would be a long engagement as I do not want to move

out of this town until he graduates in June of 2015.  That was fine, we aren't in a hurry but we do want to be able to spend all our available

time together.  He lives about 50 minutes from me in another state and usually we only see each other on weekends.  He used to come over

during the week but stopped doing that a little over a year ago.  Anyway...........in March we had a tiff and he blew me off for almost two weeks. Our

usual way of communication is he calls me in the evening and hangs up.  I get unlimited long distance on my home phone so i call him back and

we talk for a little while.  This is the way it ALWAYS is.  Well, in March we had the tiff and he didn't call me.  After a week of waiting I texted him and he told me

that the phone works both ways.  I said funny how you only say that when you're not happy with me.  He blew off my son's performance with his language

class at school, he was supposed to come with me.  No call, nothing but since he stopped communicating I suppose he figured he didn't have to

show up.  This upset me because it's my son, not me, that was depending on him being there.  Anyway, he ended up showing back up and we never

talked about what went wrong.  Things were ok for a couple weeks, he cooked me dinner and baked me a cake for my birthday.  Then last weekend it

all went wrong again.  He is a contractor so we spend a lot of time at Home Depot getting prices on the weekend.  I don't mind going along.  He knew that I

wanted to get some potting soil there for a couple of weeks (for my container garden) but because the weather was horrible and we had almost 6" of rain in

one weekend......it had to wait so I asked him if we could stop in the garden shop when he was done.  I walked around patiently waiting for him to do what he

needed to get done and we got in his truck and I THOUGHT he was driving over to the garden section but he kept going on out of the parking lot.  So, I just

said, Oh, I guess I can come back with A (my son) to get the dirt.  He offered to go back but I declined as we had plans to go hiking and I wanted to just go.  Well,

he went off on me like there's no tomorrow!  He yelled at me something about what is the difference if you pay $1 more or $1 less for DIRT????  I told him it didn't matter,

I just wanted to get some so I can get my seeds started.  The rest of the day was not fun.  I closed down a little because I was verbally attacked and it's hard

for me to be happy go lucky when someone just screamed at me over bags of dirt.  We hardly spoke the whole 4 mile hike, the ride up and back too.  When we got

back to my house he packed his bag and said goodbye and left. No hug or kiss or anything.

Should I have called him?

He seems to think i should have.

I texted him on Wednesday saying I know he is stressed but we are on the same team, or so I thought.  I told him that I did not deserve him

yelling at me over a bag of dirt and that he can be such a bully and I DON'T have to take it and I WON'T.

His response was that I had one thing to remember and I forgot and that was his fault.  That I am always the victim and am always right

and the world is wrong.

I told him that I didn't forget, he did. After I patiently waited for him.

He said and I quote "you didn't have to go with me...I would have been gone and back before you even woke up so who waited for who?"

Well, EXCUSE me if I don't get up at 5:00 a.m. on weekends.  It was never a problem before for me to sleep till 8 or so.  I told him he was a jerk and that I

wanted to go and that I thought we'd do our errands together. An hour later I apologized for calling him a jerk and it was uncalled for.  I told him that if he

was trying to hurt me with his comments then to consider himself successful.

Have not heard from him since.  I have spent the weekend by myself.  I have managed to occupy myself all weekend but this bugs me.  Did I do or

say something wrong?  Is it me? If it is........I need to know.  I am seriously thinking of calling off the wedding.  I did take my ring off last night but I put it

back on.   

Please help.  I'm a crazy person.  Apparently.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

This guy sounds uncomfortably like my ex.  The smallest thing would set him off and he would sulk if he didn't get his way.  He hardly ever said he was sorry--he'd give me the silent treatment and then I would always end up apologizing to him even if I didn't do anything wrong.  Or after he got over whatever it was, he'd just start acting like everything was normal but we would never discuss the event that happened.  I just would not want to be married to someone like this again--it's very childish behavior and definitely lacking in communication.

I do wonder though why if you were at the store and you realized that he was forgetting the soil, you didn't remind him or take him up on his offer to go back and get it.  Or did you think he'd get angry if you made him go back?  I really don't like his way of putting you down though.  This does not sound like a good basis for a marriage when the 2 of you can't communicate or resolve differences in a healthy way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2014

I thought that he was driving over to the garden section and we'd get out a

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2014

I thought that he was driving over to the garden section and we'd get out a

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2014

I thought that he was driving over to the garden section and we'd get out and look for it.  As soon as he drove by it I mentioned it and said I'd come back with my son.  He offered to go back but it would have been a pain for him to turn around and go back and I could just go back with my son.  Also, we had plans to go hiking, we hike every weekend.  It was a longer hike that wasn't closeby so I just wanted to move on.  I calmly told him it was ok but that's when he went off on me about the $1 more or a $1 less.  I calmly responded to that but was upset at being hollered at over dirt.  SERIOUSLY?  Surprised  I wasn't happy the rest of the day as I thought he should have apologized but he never did.  As soon as we got back he packed his bag and left without hugging or kissing me.  I did try to take the high road again and text him first after two days of being ignored but that got ugly really fast so I am riding it out.  I do plan on sitting him down and telling him exactly how I feel about this childish behavior.  I don't appreciate how it's always my fault.  We never used to argue at all.  i don't know what is wrong with him but he needs to get over it quickly.  I don't NEED to get married.  I wanted to but now I'm not so sure.  thanks for your imput

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2014
how do I delete this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

It must be wonderful to be PERFECT.....while the rest of the world is completely screwed up!  And you're planning to marry Mr.Perfect why?  So you will be his "legal" punching bag?  So far not physically, but very much emotionally and verbally, and more often than not, this kind of thing will eventually get physical, too.  In HIS estimation he's always right.....but I doubt if very many other people would agree with him.  You don't like confrontation (who does?) which is why he's with you.......because you allow him to walk all over you.  If you stood up to him, he probably would have been gone long ago.  After one of your "tiffs" he showed up at your son's performance, but you never talked about what was wrong?  Pretending it didn't happen is NOT going to keep it from happening again......and it has happened again and again.  And that 50 minute drive?  Wow!  Many people make that commute every day to their job.....and he can't make it except on the weekends?  Why are you wasting your time with this jerk?  You have wasted 5 years of your life......and it's time to move on.  It's not going to get better.......He's a jerk, and you need to tell yourself that being alone would be better than being with a conrolling egotistical self-important fool like this.  You need to tell yourself that you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect......and you're not going to settle for less.  He is WAYYYY less!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2013

Well, sounds like you two may need to sit down as calm rational adults and talk about this. Communication is key in relationships, especially marriage. You have to be able figure out if the relationship is going to continue or if it has run it's course. Good luck!

~ sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010

I don't know if you said or did something wrong, but if you did, well you're human and we make mistakes. Your fiance's reaction seems to be way overboard. First yelling at you (because he forgot about the garden center and you didn't remind him which could be equal blame) and then leaving your house in a huff. Unfortunately there seems to be a pattern developing of this kind of behavior.

He's in his late 40s, has he ever been married? If so, why did the marriage fail? Just wondering if he has a history of anger issues or is controlling etc. Did this treatment just start a month ago or has it been going on for longer and getting worse recently?

There are communication problems here but there may be more to it. I would not marry him with these kinds of outbursts because its not going to get better after the wedding. You both need to be able to say what is bothering you without yelling or blaming, and to resolve your differences without going off in a huff or long punishing silences. He needs to deal with stress without taking it out on you. It may take professional help, and definitely takes a willingness to change and improve by both parties. If he doesn't want to go through all of that then there's not a good future for you as a couple, unless you want to endure this treatment forever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2014

I mentioned it as we left the parking lot.  I did not yell, I was not sarcastic or mean.  He offered to go back but we were on our way out hiking so I just told him that I'd go back with my son to get the dirt.  That's when he ranted about it.  I responded calmly to his rant.

He is turning 48 next month and has never been married. He was in an almost 20 year relationship with his son's mother. She cheated on him and they broke up.  I have to say that I don't know what is wrong and why he is behaving like this.  We've had our differences in the past but not like this.  It makes me wonder what is up, if anything.  I seriously do not diserve this "punishment" and I am very upset.  I have still not heard a word from him.  Only when I texted him last week and he was sarcastic and rude.  I told him that I loved him.  For the record, I don't yell at him.  I don't think I ever have.  My ex husband yelled at me for almost our entire marriage and yes, I yelled back but I don't do that any more.  My fiance doesn't really yell at me but he can get sarcastic and he does raise his voice.  I do agree that we need to work on our communication.  BIG TIME.  As of right now, I will not be making any wedding plans until this is resolved and we have better communication.  That is IF he contacts me. 

I was adament that I was not going to contact him after my last attempt but now I am so very sad and this needs to be resolved.  I don't think ignoring each other is the answer.  I just have a hard time making the first move as I was not the one that started it.

Oh, what to do??

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004

It looks like you are with the worlds oldest baby at 48 years old. It seems you have finally found the real him after all the time you have been together. If you stay with him, you better gear up for a lifetime of this type of behavior. I think you are finding out that it is just not going to work out with thim. Very difficult for someone to radically change ones behavior at this point in their lives. Right now you have an untenable and unworkable situation, there is just no way you can spend the rest of your life with him unless he does a major 180. It just really seems unlikely that he will be able to accomplish that.