I'm Down & Could Use Some Input

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
I'm Down & Could Use Some Input
9
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 6:35pm
Hello everyone, This may be a bit long but it all started when I was 15, I am now 45. i will try and keep it short. From 15 to almost 22 I dated a neighbor boy whom everyone in my family loved, loved his family, he had goals, etc. When I was 22 I met someone out one night and we started dating (I was still dating boyfriend #1). One night my mother sent a relative to look for me and found me with boyfriend #2. Since she loved boyfriend #1 so much she said I had to tell him, which I did and we broke up. For six months I went back and forth between the 2. My mother is so controlling that she did everything she could to push me back to #1, like giving me a curfew and telling me I could only see #2 twice a week. For crying out loud, I was 22 years old and if I didn't listen to her there was war at home. I was so adamant about making my own choices and I wasn't going to let her make them for me, I chose #2. We ended up getting married about 3 years later. Here we are 19 years into our marriage and I know I made the wrong choice. Since that time my mother has not liked my husband. He had nothing to do with my decision but she still doesn't like him and it's evident. Therefore it shows that he does not like her. She thinks he's lazy, selfish, doesn't treat me right and I do agree with some of those things. We have 3 kids and she will say things to them like "your father is so lazy". He is not much of a participater in our household. He works all week, goes bowling two nights a week and socializes with people at work. I have a small part time job in the local library with only 2 workers so I don't really socialize. He has a side business that he does on the weekends which leaves me home with the kids all day. Granted, my kids are not babies and do not need my supervision, but I am still home responsible for them. Therefore, since he is not around much I take care of everything on my own. My mother can't even ask my husband to do something for her because he will tell me no, she's not his mother. I know she can be pretty demeaning sometimes, but she is still my mother and she is elderly. On the other hand, she is a controlling person and very demanding. He says things like "My mother didn't have me so I can be your mother's handyman". There is no respect on either of their parts. Meanwhile, his mother doesn't call for weeks at a time and we only speak to her if we call or go visit. So I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I try to make both of them happy and end up fighting with each of them. When I try to get them together, my husband won't do it. Sometimes he is such a big baby. I really could have done better in my life, it was right there in front of me and I took the wrong road. I need to make him understand that she is my mother even though she is sometimes not very nice and I need her to understand that he is my husband and should let me handle things with him instead of approaching him on her own. Any advice would be very much appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 11:16pm

I'm not sure if you're asking advice about what to do with the husband/mother situation or your feeling that you married the wrong man.


As far as the mother/husband issue -- after 19 years, if there has not been an accord reached by now, there probably will never be.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 11:58pm

Welcome to the board, Tessybell831, and huge hugs to you.


You are so going to hate what I have to say.


Sweetie, you can't make him see that he needs to make nice to your mother and you can't make your mother see that she needs to make nice with him. What you need to do is remove yourself from the situation, it's not yours to be in. You have a relationship with your mother and you have a relationship with your husband, both of those are yours and yours alone. Your mother has a relationship with your husband and your husband has a relationship with your mother. This is their relationship, not yours, you have no place there. You may not like what their relationship is and you may wish it was better or different, but it's not your relationship; not yours to change, to fix or to manage. Remove yourself. If it helps, picture yourself physically taking a step away from it. If your mother wants your husband to do something, or if your husband has a message for your mother, don't act as a go-between. If mom wants to ask your husband to do something, tell her she'll need to ask him herself, period. He can respond to her request himself, you have no place there. If your husband has a message for your mother, he needs to tell her, you are not his mouthpiece of his go-between. It's their relationship, whether they love each other, fight like cats and dogs or something in between. Stay out of it. Let them deal with it and with each other. You're not helping, you're hurting it.


A bigger question is why are you continuing to stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy, one that you know is a mistake? What about you and your happiness?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 8:21am

you write: "We have 3 kids and she will say things to them like "your father is so lazy"."


No matter what is going on in your marriage (which is only between you and your husband), you should never allow your mother to say anything disparaging about the father of your children to your children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2006
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 9:37am

Have you ever explored the issue of codependency? I ask because I see many codependent bhaviors in your post. You seem to need to take on burdens that aren't yours--your mother's relationship with your husband, his relationship with his mother, your letting your mom badmouth your husband to your children, your explanations of how your mother feels about your husband but no information on how you fell about him--this is all textbook codependnecy. The fact that your mother was so involved in your romantic life and that you were living at home at 22 and probably married to escape her also points to a lifetime of boundary issues.

You may want to look into the subject of codependency. It could change your life!

jg

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 4:05pm

I'm not sure what I'm asking either really.

"As far as the mother/husband issue -- after 19 years, if there has not been an accord reached by now, there probably will never be". That is probably very true, still doesn't make my life any easier. You see, we live upstairs from my mother so we see her on a constant basis, or at least I do.

"How do you feel about your husband?" Sometimes I just want him to go away, but I married him and intend on staying that way. I do wonder "what if" at times and that only makes things worse because then I look at my marriage and the situaton with my mother and I think it's even worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 4:08pm
Wow, I would think that a significant part of your problem is that you live upstairs from your mother.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 4:17pm

You are absolutely right when you say she should not say things like that to my children. The one time she said it I was not present and my daughter told me she said it. You see, we live upstairs from my mother and I and the kids see her on a daily basis. She is extremely generous to the kids and I know she loves them.

Since we do live upstairs from her, she and everyone elses in my family, feel that he should take care of some of the things she needs done, if anything breaks, etc. Why should other family members have to come over after work when he lives here. I have told her in the past that I will take care of getting him to do things, not her. Like I would prefer her to tell me and then I will in a round about way get him to do it. She just comes right out and says "I need this done". He is also the type of person that feels "don't order me around and tell me what I have to do". he tells me things like "if she wants that done, why doesn't she just do it, she justs on her *** all day long". My response to that is she is almost 80 years old and doesn't have the strength or stamina to do things.

I also have 3 sisters, 2 of the husbands my mother loves. That's because she does not live with them and does not see what they do or don't do and when she does need something done by them, in their area of expertise, they come as soon as she calls. My other sister's husband my mother doesn't like but it's not much of a problem because we hardly see them.

When you say I have given her free reign, that might be so. The reason is probably because she does so much for us (my husband says me and the kids, not him). She is always getting my kids what they need. When I take her food shopping she always pays for my groceries. She helps with my bills when I am short on cash. Stuff like that. So I find it hard to yell at her or come down on her because of this and I really do apprecitate and need the help.

You say, He is the head of your household, but he doesn't participate in anything related to the household. I do all the bills, food shopping, cooking, cleaning, child rearing, etc.

Since 2 of my sisters don't have a problem with their husbands and my mother, they tell me that he is disrespecting her and does not appreciate all she does. They said "we know mommy is hard to handle and can be a problem, but.................".

So anyway, I have checked into a psychologist in my area and am thinking about making an appointment to see her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 4:20pm

You have a good point there, but we moved here after my father passed away about 6 years ago because she was alone in a big house. She does get to see most of what goes on in our lives, which is not good. I am going to look into the codependency thing and I have gotten the number of a psychologist in my area and am planning on making an appointment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 12:02am

Great move, Tessybell831.


Two really good books are:
"Codependant No More" by Melodie Beatty and
"The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships", by Harriet Lerner. .








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"