I'm jealous of my husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2005
I'm jealous of my husband.
19
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 2:12pm

I am a newlywed, and my dh and I love each other very much.

For a backround, here's the kind of childhood I had: I lived in an upper middle class suburb, and my parents were, and still are married. My mom, however, was very abusive for most of my childhood. Her abuse was mostly verbal and emotional, calling me names, and also she never let me do anything outside of school. I was never allowed to participate in activities, church, or go to friends' houses or even have friends for the most part. As a result, I pretty much missed out on childhood altogether. My father wasn't really abusive like she was, but since he was around, I couldn't really complain. When I was growing up, it seemed like the only kids allowed to have problems were those with divorced parents or no fathers.
Since then, I have grown up, moved on, and my life is very full now. I don't like to think of my childhood. I like to focus on the here and now. Yes, I may have had a hard life growing up, and I can't change that, but I can focus on the present and future and have a good life now. For that I am grateful.

Yesterday, my dh decided to declutter his closet. I was glad, because it's a mess. I came home from work yesterday, and all his paraphanalia from childhood was all over the living room. He was sitting on the fouton looking at pictures. He saved everything. All his sports trophies, a TON of notes passed from friends in school, pictures, letters, cards, school art projects, EVERYTHING. He even watched his video from graduation last night. He kept wanting me to look at everything. "look at this, look at this". The first couple things were cool, but after that I was fed up with looking at all of his stuff. It was all remnants from a full childhood with everything I missed out on. He had a lot of friends, he was involved in sports, he was happy and healthy. His old report cards showed that he was smart also. It got to a point where I couldn't bear it anymore and yelled at him. I don't think he understood why I got upset.

I'm jealous of him. Not only did he have a full childhood, with all these things that I missed out on, but he was allowed to have problems because of the fact that his dad was not around. If anything went wrong with him, all he had to do was blame his dad. If anything went wrong with me, it was catastrophic, ending in abuse.

I don't usually think about my childhood, but I did last night. While my husband and I usually have a great open relationship, the jealousy of him that I have re: this issue effects that somewhat. I know you might say that I should go to counseling, but counselors like to hear stories like my dh's. They like to hear about having grown up with one parent in a poor neighborhood. I can tell them about my abuses till I am blue in the face, and in the end it won't matter because we had money, and they weren't divorced.

Somehow, I can't bring myself to look my husband in the eye today.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 10:21pm

>>>I know you might say that I should go to counseling, but counselors like to hear stories like my dh's. They like to hear about having grown up with one parent in a poor neighborhood. I can tell them about my abuses till I am blue in the face, and in the end it won't matter because we had money, and they weren't divorced.<<<

Why do you think that about counselors? If you somehow experienced a counselor that felt that way and told you so, then you found a bad counselor. There are plenty of bad counselors out there. If you found a good one then you would find the help you need, and with a good counselor your statement above would be 100% completely false. You should try this avenue, unless you want to live a long time not being able to look at your husband, or if you will accept that every discussion about his childhood memories will deepen this wedge that was just created, and he'll never know why.

You can't just forget about the past, you have a lot of unresolved feelings. They are valid and real and you need to address them in some way. There are plenty of children of abuse who grew up with intact familes that were not poor. Plenty. You are not the only one, and you won't be the only one in counseling that had that kind of childhood.

If you don't face this now, one day you will find your marriage is on the line, and you won't just be facing issues from your childhood, you'll be facing all those issues and the one's that come with a failing marriage. The bottom line is these issues are not going to way, no matter how hard you wish they would.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 11:48pm

Ah Dragon, I'm sorry you feel that way. It must be difficult being in a place where you don't think your hurts will seem important or worthy of help by those who are trained to help you with them.


I totally agree with Firstamendment, I too wonder why you think therapists "only like to hear stories like your husbands". They're in the business to help people deal with problems and issues they have, regardless of their upbringing, it's not about them wanting to hear a great story or one that fits into the "usual mold" (if there is such a thing). My parents were never divorced, I had a pretty darned happy childhood, no abuse (verbal or otherwise) or other traumatic events. And yet, I've been to therapy, learned a lot and am much better because of it. In fact, I've recently gone back to therapy to work on some issues that I think still need work. My therapist says I have a very good grasp of my issues and good insight into what caused them. That doesn't mean I don't have more work to do -- I do! She didn't tell me my story was boring and that she didn't want to see me because it wasn't interesting enough, nor did she say that I didn't need to be there or that I was wasting her time; if she had said any of those things it wouldn't have shown that I had no business being there, it would have shown that she was not a good therapist and certainly not the right therapist for me.


What you've said here is that you recognize you experienced abuse as a child and that is something you need to deal with. No competent therapist is going to turn you away, look down on you or minimize your issues. There is no "usual". Some people grew up in broken homes and some people grew up in homes that should have been broken. Some people experienced abuse by the hands of their parents and some did not. Some abuse is physical and some is emotional. Regardless of anyone's upbringing or the kind of home they grew up in, if they have issues, it needs to be dealt with and until you do, it will continue to cause problems for you. You can tuck it away, but it will pop out from time to time, stuffing it is not the way to deal with it. You need to free yourself of it so you can move on with your life without it dragging along with you. You deserve it. I hope you take action and take care of yourself.

I'm not sure this is still a problem between you, but since you left it as such, I'll say that it sounds like you're pretty clear on why you reacted the way you did to your husband's trip down memory lane, and your reaction is pretty understandable too. Since you usually have a very open, honest and understanding relationship, I'd think that if it's still a sore spot today, explaining why you reacted that way should clear it up.




~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown














"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 8:15am
I have been to counseling many times, and always seem to have the same experience. It seems to me like they don't really get what I am trying to say. They sit there and say "uh-huh" when I talk and charge me a hundred dollars an hour for that. Then they ask me wierd questions that have nothing to do with what I am talking about.
The thing is is that I know what a lot of my problems are, and I know where a lot of them stem from. I am really good at dealing with my issues, and proof of this is how I have gotten progressively better day after day, week after week, month after month. Counselors will try to invent fake problems that you have. For instance, one tried to tell me that I hate my mother and wish she was dead. Um, no my mother and I have a great relationship, by no means do I hate her, and I certainly don't wish she was dead. My mom and I have move past our hurting relationship and are close now. Counselors, I have found, will plant false ideas of what's wrong with you in your head so that you will keep coming back to them and paying them all that good money. It's a business just like anything else. If they are trained to help you, then why do the people I know who are in counseling still in it after all these years? The many people I know who are in counseling seem to get worse with their emotional states. I would think that "getting help" would mean precisely that.
Counselors will convince you that you need THEM, that you are helpless without them, that you can't do it without them, etc. What does that sound like? An Abusive Relationship. Think about it, if they really told you you could actually help yourself, where would they earn their posh livings? Misery sells.
I am feeling a lot better since I made this post. Me and my husband had a long talk last night, a long healthy talk followed by massages and hot kinky sex. We're far from ending the marriage. And if we were, then what about it? Everyone that comes on here, I noticed, is advised to end the relationship no matter what. So according to you people I will be doing the right thing if I end it. I'll be a "strong woman".
(I'm already strong).
Avatar for jeffkristi
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-1998
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 9:08am

I agree with the other posters. You may have found a "bad" counselor or just didn't give it enough time. But I don't recall anyone saying to leave your DH. It sounds like you two have the beginning of a good strong relationship and you should work to keep it that way.

But in the example you used, I kinda agree with the counselor. You may not "hate" your mother and wish she were dead, but you are definately still angry with her for the type of childhood she gave you and you are projecting that onto your DH. It's also good to recognize that it's a jealousy thing, but that doesn't mean that you can just say "I know that I'm jealous and why I'm jealous, so DH will just have to never bring up his childhood. Problem solved". He has happy memories of his childhood and he wants to share them with you (which is a good thing).

I would say to find a good counselor, tell them exactly what you've posted here, and work on the jealousy issue.

Jeff

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 9:37am

I didn't say everyone on here told *me* to leave my husband. I said that I noticed that the people on here tell everyone *else* to leave. After I made the original post, I spent a considerable amount of time reading the posts on here.

There was a long time where I was mad at my mother, but my mother has changed a lot after having some serious health problems (which are over now). Her and I have worked it out over a long period of time, and are best buds now. I think that I would know a lot more about my relationship with my mom than you do. She explained to me a lot of what she was going through when I was a kid, and I accept that.

I do not like counselors, and refuse to go to them. I have been to several different ones and all of them have made more problems than already were. I do not believe they are there to help. They tell you what they think you want to hear in order to keep that 100+ an hour coming. To me, they are just like an abusive spouse who tries to control your behavior by telling you that you can't do it without them. I don't think god gave us a mind of our own and a free will to have it controlled by someone else. If all I am going to hear on this board is counseling propeganda, then I am on my way. I am sorry I wasted my time here.

Avatar for jeffkristi
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-1998
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 9:54am

You came on here looking for opinions and advise. I think you got that. Just because it doesn't jive with your own, is no reason to get upset.

"Her and I have worked it out over a long period of time, and are best buds now"

From what you've posted, you may have come to terms with her and who she is now. Maybe even with who she was then and why. But when you post about how upset you get with your DH because you are jealous of his past, you are obviously NOT over the hurt that you believe your mother caused (even if you understand WHY she did it).

"I think that I would know a lot more about my relationship with my mom than you do. She explained to me a lot of what she was going through when I was a kid, and I accept that."

That's probably true - but as I said above - you are best buds with who your mom is NOW, not with who she was when you were a kid. And she may have explained it and you understand it, but I don't know if you fully accept it (otherwise, why would you be jealous of your DH).

"If all I am going to hear on this board is counseling propeganda, then I am on my way."

Someone suggesting you talk to a counselor about this is NOT counseling propaganda. For the record, I have never seen one myself. But I have dealt with one for my DS (he was seeing one for a bit for issues relating to a serious injury he had). The counselor not only helped greatly, but he was the one that suggested we don't need to see him any more. He did exactly what you said counselors don't do. He taught DS how to deal with his issues by himself so that a counselor was unneccessary.

Take or leave this advice - it's your choice.

Jeff

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 2:11pm

You are generalizing based on very few facts. I think you have encountered bad counselors. There are many of them, and yes, some will be motivated by trying to keep their patients around. There are unethical people in every profession. I also think that you have to click with your counselor, and one that makes off-putting statements like saying you must hate your mother will never help you. For the record, my therapist said that I should not and will not (in his opinion) need counseling for that long. I have some issues I am working on and I am learning and growing, but I will not need his help long-term (not that I needed him to tell me this, I already knew it, but it is good that he agrees with me). It is also true that there are people that come in week after week and really do nothing in real life to improve their situation, figure it out and grow from it. Some people don't want to get better, even though they might seek counseling, and perhaps counseling for them is another source of sympathy. Just because there are some bad therapists does not mean they are all bad, and the fact that counseling does not help all does not mean it is useless.

I think the fact you talked to your husband is wonderful. Sometimes what you need most is acknowledgement of your pain and/or accomplishments, and that can do wonders for your emotional well being and your relationship. Hopefully next time your husband can share his childhood memories without it bothering you so deeply, since he knows a little better how that kind of thing makes you feel, and you know he understands.

>>>Everyone that comes on here, I noticed, is advised to end the relationship no matter what. So according to you people I will be doing the right thing if I end it. I'll be a "strong woman". (I'm already strong).<<<

This is another generalization. It is completely false. There are a number of current threads by people in very unhealthy and abusive relationships. I don't believe anyone here thinks it is wise to try and 'work out' an abusive relationship. If you stuck around a long time, or if you looked at what the OP was saying in relation to the responses they received, I believe you will find that the people giving advice here WILL and DO support working on the relationship and saving it. I don't think anyone here told you to end your relationship. I said you have to be careful because you said you couldn't even LOOK at your husband the next day, and to me that indicated that a seed of resentment had been planted. I am glad you were able to work past that, and based on your follow up post I think you handled it very well. I don't think ending a relationship automatically makes you a stronger person, I can't imagine why you think that at all. Sometimes staying and working out the issues with your partner is the harder path and that is the choice that will make you stronger.

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Registered: 10-20-2004
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 5:38pm
If you've read the other posts, then I'm sure you're aware that I'm one of the first ones many times to scream "Get out!" But not always and I do stand by my convictions. So having said that, I hope you'll read through my post to you now. I can tell you that I can recognize abuse a mile away...whether it's verbal or physical. I've been there, I've lived it and I wish it on no one. Not in this lifetime or the next! OK. There's my disclaimer.
Now....to your problem that you asked about. I can totally relate to how you're feeling. The resentment you feel doesn't really have anyplace you can "categorize" it. It's not your husband's fault, after all. And now that you're an adult, you think that you're grown now and those things shouldn't affect the woman you've become...or at least, not to any life-altering degree. Fair enough. My jealousies came in with my sister, of all people! I swear, anyone who didn't know us would believe that we were raised in two different homes. We were treated very differently and I think to a small degree anyway, we fell into the stereotypes our family plugged us into early on. My sister became the beauty with natural charm and perfect features while I became the studious, smart one. I can remember at family reunions hearing things like, "I'll bet her IQ is through the ceiling. She's such a quiet child." THEN in the same breath, I'd hear, "She's going to be a heartbreaker. Just look at her turn heads and she's barely 15!" And yes....I had the jealousy down to a science. I knew it wasn't fair to be mad at her, and in fact, I couldn't figure out WHO I was supposed to be mad at. I didn't WANT to be the smart one. I wanted the phone to ring off the hook for me. I'm not saying I was some withdrawn soul with no friends or dates, but I can tell you...my sister wrote the book on breaking curfew, sweet talking our parents into anything (even the sports car when she was 16 while I drove a 74 Vega...go figure). I don't know if I'm even remotely making sense or if you can even relate to any of this. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's natural to feel resentment...even when you can't figure out where to "put" it. I didn't have an abusive mother (or father, for that matter), so I can't begin to understand that. I guess I'm just hoping that you don't bail from the board. I really think there's a lot to be gained from the folks who post here and who knows what you could do for some of the other posters. If counseling's not right for you, then it's not right. It's that simple. To be honest, you sound like you've come full circle with alot of this and come out stronger because of it. Maybe this sudden surge of jealousy towards your new husband threw you for a loop.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 11:19pm

I'm sorry you didn't like the responses you got, Dragon709. I have to say I'm surprised at the intense feelings you project towards the answers you got and I'm sorry they've evoked such upset.


Obviously, I misread you completely. You mentioned counseling, only saying that therapists "didn't like" to hear stories like yours; at no time did I get the impression that you had such a dislike of therapists, quite the opposite, from what you said, I thought you felt helpless to gain their assistance because your story wasn't interesting enough for them. In what you've said here today, I have to agree with the others, it sounds like you've either had some experiences with bad counselors, either didn't click with those you chose or didn't stay long enough to form a bond, or didn't "go along with" or ask why they were asking the things they were asking, it's very possible the place they were leading you to makes quite a bit of sense, even if it doesn't seem like it to begin with. Regardless, the bottom line is if you feel you're making good progress, have good enough insight that you don't need outside help, then great! You're one in a million, even therapists get help from other therapists to deal with their problems; dealing with your own issues is difficult, being so close to the issues makes seeing it clearly difficult and seeing it objectively near impossible.


I hear you say you have no anger towards your mother, but you clearly have anger/resentment towards your childhood, and from what you said your mother is responsible for those negative experiences. I agree with the others, like it or not, your mother and her behavior are tied into those experiences.



Like the others have said, no one suggested you should end your marriage, it wouldn't have made sense to suggest that, it isn't appropriate. There are certainly some posts on this board where ending a relationship, be it a marriage or not, was suggested. Just like yours, when people post on this board asking for opinions of what they should do, I tell them what I think, as do the others who respond. I wouldn't be honest if I suggested staying and trying harder when I didn't really think it would be appropriate, and we sure wouldn't be doing a woman who's in an abusive relationship anything but harm by suggesting she stay now, would we? I answer each post as I honestly think is right, if you care to read through the board, you'll find many examples of both, and I'll bet you'll agree with many that ending was suggested. But in your situation? Suggesting ending it would make no sense.


I do think when you've had some time to process what's been said here that you might consider that with all the responses suggesting the same thing, it just might indicate that the reason we all came up with the same thoughts is because it is what makes sense in your situation. We're looking to help you know, not hurt you. You may see us as a bunch of therapy-pushers, what I see is that we recognize when issues and problems go beyond simple, lay help and need a professional to really help and resolve it. I think we're pretty good at not trying to "play doctor" and advise on issues that we see as going beyond lay suggestions. Whatever path you choose, I am sorry you've been so upset and I hope you find peace and resolution to those things that continue to affect your life. You deserve that.




~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown










Edited 5/24/2005 1:38 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2005
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 8:34am

Believe me, I am not upset. I simply have a different opinion about counseling than you. I am a very happy person and a very successful person in all areas of my life. That night, I was simply having a bad day and PMS probably had a lot to do with it. I would not be nearly as happy, healthy or successful right now if I had stayed in counseling. I can tell that by all the people I know who have stayed in counseling for years and years and still can't even perform the simplest task because they have made themselves so miserable.
I wouldn't want a woman to stay in an abusive relationship, either. For me, however, counseling was an abusive relationship and you want me to go back to it! Would you want a woman to stay with a man who brainwashed her into thinking that she could never make it without him, that she was helpless without him, etc? Because that's what counselors do.

You didn't misread me at all. The first couple of counselors I went to in my late teens were the ones I described in my first post. They couldn't figure out why I was having problems when I came out of a nice intact home in the burbs, I wasn't molested by a stepdad or uncle, I wasn't an unwed mother, I mean so why then was I upset? I learned after that expeirence, to be the strong one, to deal with my problems myself. And, you know what, it's possible. Society doesn't want you to know that you can take care of yourself without spending big bucks on therapists, because it's a huge industry! But I learned to take the bull by the horns and stand on my own two feet. Years later, I went to counseling again, and the guy really tried to push me down into that hole of misery again, and I refused. I dug my heels in the dirt and refused to let him put me down. And you can' tsay he wasn't really putting me down, either, because you weren't there. He couldn't stand the fact that I was talking positively about myself. It graduated to the point of him standing up and shouting at me that I couldn't make it without him, or another counselor. If he was a boyfriend or a husband acting like that, you would urge me to leave him.
Prior to this, he suggested group therapy. I went to group therapy and put up with the most horrible verbal abuse from another woman there who was so messed up in the head it wasn't even funny. If I tried to stop her, I was only told that I "didn't understand her disease". or whatever. Bleeccchhh, I will never put myself through that again.
What it boils down to is that I am an overall happy person who just so happened to have a bad day. That's allowed. It doesn't mean that I have to run and see a therapist. If you think you have to run and see a therapist every time you have a bad day, then what kind of backbone do you have anyway?

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