I'm lost

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2014
I'm lost
6
Wed, 03-12-2014 - 7:18am

Hi there,

 my family moved abroad last year, we were and are a close family.

I have two children, ages 1 & 7.

I have the illness Rheumatoid Arthritis, which isn't getting any better, I have a big operation coming up in 12 days time for a triple foot fusion.

I'm with my partner, we have been together for 3 years, I'm female by the way! Haha.

I feel alone.

My partner and I are always on and off, so I don't feel stable, which is vital to me, to the kind of person I am.

My sister in law hates me, she's 18, I'm 30.

My partner and I went on a break for a few days, and wishing those few days, I was really down, so I wrote a couple of status' on facebook about how hurt I was, nothing bad about my partner at all. . . My partners sister seen them and caused a scene in facebook, trying to cause an arguement for everyone to see, now says I was showing him up, which I wasn't, not in the slightest. 

My partner and I have a child together, and I have one child from a previous relationship.

My sister in law has now decided to only want to have contact with my partner and our child, leaving me and my other child out.

She was calling me everything over text messages to my partner.

I was dying for him to turn around and stick up for me, to tell her that it's not acceptable for her to talk about me in that way...but he never does stand up to her, she's always been interfering in our relationship and has caused me and my partner to have many arguments.

I have tried to talk to my partner about how I wished he would stick up for me, but he gets a bit nasty, shouts at me, saying everyone's arguing and he's in the middle. But I truly believe, that if he put his sister in her place, once and for all, all of this would stop. But because he's not firm with her, this keeps allowing her to behave this way. 

When we were on a break, none of his family came to see how I was, or the kids, his mum was looking after him buying him chocolate, offering to buy him shoes, which I think, she should have been saying, get over there and see your children and me.

I feel like everyone hates me and I'm the bad guy, even though, I have done nothing wrong.

I feel so alone, I just need stability, I wish I could talk to my partner about all of this but it must stresses him out and he gets down and ends up going out.

I'm finding my life difficult.

I'm finding it hard to be happy. I want to be happy.

There's nothing I wouldn't do for my partner, he's my world, so are my children.

Since he's come back, we made up, but it's like he's lost his affection towards me. 

Like his heads been filled with people telling him how he should now act towards me, whilst he was gone?

I long to be held in his arms, where I feel safe. 

I long to be liked, not hated for something I have not even done! 

I haven't done anything wrong to him or his family, yet they don't like me. Why?. . .  I have no idea :o( 

My family aren't here, so I'm feeling pretty low and pretty lost. 

I'm worrying about my operation, about coping afterwards, as I don't want to be a burden to anyone. If I can do anything myself, I will, that's just what I'm like.

Thank you for reading this,

For taking your time, to read my problems.





Sent from my iPad

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
In reply to: Gemmn
Wed, 03-12-2014 - 12:48pm

With all of the things going on for right now including the upcoming surgery, I'm sure you're feeling stressed and that would affect your relationship. In another post you said that your partner is your "carer" but I don't think you answered if he is a paid caregiver or if he was caregiver before he became your partner, so can you please clarify that? I also saw in another post that he is only 23 which probably is significant in the scheme of things.

Bf's sister? You're right, he ought to tell her to mind her own business. Since the texts were sent to him, technically they were between her and him and maybe he shouldn't have told you about them, because of course it would upset you. You cannot control what she says to him, via text or in person, in your presence or not. So I think you need to try to concern yourself only with what she says directly to you. She's immature and a drama queen. Unfriend her from your FB so she doesn't see your posts and you don't see hers. Make sure that your privacy is set to Friends Only so you don't see each others' post through mutual friends. If she figures out that you unfriended her and gets rude you can tell her that you don't want that negativity on your FB page. As for your posts about being "hurt" because your bf took a break, IMO that type of thing shouldn't be broadcast on FB. Better to PM or email some friends or family that you know will be supportive and kind.

Back to your bf: was your baby with him planned? It sounds like at this point you are overly dependent on your bf and wanting him to fulfill roles that he may not be capable of. He fathered a child and will have that role forever but partner and caregiver can be changed. If he gets paid to provide care for you then I suggest you replace him with a different, professional caregiver who comes in for a specific time to perform specific duties. He can then get an outside job, and he can be just partner and part time caregiver, and you two can define his role for when he is at home.

I can see how this situation is overwheming for your bf. At 23 he is a father and 24/7 caregiver for his disabled partner with a lot of responsibilities on his shoulders (if/how well he is meeting those responsibilities is another issue). His friends are mostly single and out having fun and he may wish that he was with them. It seems like whenever you want to discuss a problem he gets upset or leaves. You two probably could benefit from couples counseling with a professional helping you to sort out the different issues and find solutions for them, and to learn better communication skills.

One other thing---might you qualify for any respite care or childcare? While the older child is in school can somebody watch the baby sometimes so you can get a break?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2014
In reply to: Gemmn
Thu, 03-13-2014 - 6:38am

Hi thank you for your reply, our baby was planned, and he is getting paid as a Carer, we discussed everything before we started to plan our baby, like how  I'll need help etc, but now everything has changed.

although he does help around the house, I'm the one who does the washing, dishes, hoovering, cleaning, picking up after everyone. If i dont do it, it shouldn't get done. I believe, that responsibilities of the household should be equal. Like I say, he does Hoover and tidy, but that's like once a week...I'm doing all that, plus running around after a toddler, whilst he gets to go out nearly everyday. I just need a break :o( with my illness I'm in a lot of pain and I tire quite easily. 

thank you for the advice on the restpite, I'll definitely look in to that! 

Thank you so much for your reply, it's good to get someone else's input 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2014
In reply to: Gemmn
Sat, 03-15-2014 - 2:38pm

Firsty im sending you a big hug, you really have been through a lot and right now all you desire is some support and kindness...

Well where to begin, with everything coming up such as your important surgery, this will be playing on your mind and making you feel worried and frightened which makes you feel lonlier when there is no one there to give you a hug or to tell you everything will be ok, instead you get the sister in law from hell and a partner who will not stick up for you. The things in which your sister in law has said and how she has wiggled her way into your relationship is unreal, this needs to stop now or else things are going to get worse. Your partner needs to completely understand you and needs to be there for you, his sister yes is family but you are the children are HIS OWN family now and you and the children need to be his priority not his sister. This sister needs to learn to be an adult and to be more mature cause the way she is acting is appauling. I personally would talk to your partner, sit him down and go through exactly how you feel, lay it on the line, tell him that he needs to support you and explain how you feel lonely and that youve got so much on your mind that it is really affecting you. If still he pulls the easy card out and states that its HARD for him cause HE is stuck in the middle then sadly hun he sounds like a bad egg :/, you sound like a lovely person who just needs that someone to make you happy, and this fella doesnt seem to be ticking those boxes. If he cant support you and be there for you in your time of need and allows a young girl to talk to you like a piece of dirt on her shoe then he is not worth knowing, you would be better apart and you focusing on your own health and your children. Go out and socialise, talk to your friends who mean the most to you, tell them your troubles and ask for adivce? Start a new hobby? Meet a lovely gentleman who respects you and loves you, a girl deserves to feel loved, wanted and appreciated, to your partner this is none existant.

I am sure your operation will go perfectly well, and I hope you sort this problem out once and for all. Ignore the sister-in-law, shes too dumb and young to understand what its like to be going through a hard time...

Good luck hun, sending you my love xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2014
In reply to: Gemmn
Sun, 03-16-2014 - 12:14pm

Thank you so much, it means so much to me. I just found out, that when me and my partner went on a break he's gone on facebook and liked a lot of girls pictures, where as for me, I was hurting too much to even think of liking anyone else, or their photos. I feel sick :o( I feel numb. He's back on facebook, on there with his relationship hidden, I feel so sick :o( x x x

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Mon, 03-17-2014 - 12:18pm

Gemm,

I'm afraid to say I've got no hope for your r-ship. The age difference  and the difference between where most 23 y old men are in life compared to most 30 y women already make it difficult if not impossible for a r-ship to survive. Add to this the fact that he, at his age, is expected to be a carer and a father of two children, not to mention a provider for the family...I understand why he's behaving the way he is. You need to make some big decisions and major changes in your life, after the surgery. I would maybe, at this stage, just make sure that you've got help available for when  you're recovering. Maybe even agree with him that he stays until you can function by yourself. But don't make any long term plans............I am sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 04-01-2014 - 12:09am

Gemmm, how did your surgery go?  How are you feeling physically?  I hope your surgery went well and you're much better.  

As for your relationship, I understand what you want and your frustation with his sister and how he doesn't stick up for you, but I wonder, have you talked to him?  Told him how you feel about his lack of action when his sister attacks you?  You said he's distant and you long to feel secure, have you talked to him about his distance?  I hear you saying a lot of things that you're unhappy about, but I don't hear you taking action that can change it or at least give you an understanding of what's going on.  Until you take steps to change things, nothing will change.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_