I'm at my wits end

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2005
I'm at my wits end
6
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 8:45pm
I married my boyfriend of almost six years in September. We have a great relationship, and he is my best friend. The problem is he has an addiction to the internet. Porn, cyber relationships things of that nature. We have been all through the counseling, I know he has low self esteem, and this usually happens when he is unemployed. I make more than enough money for us to live on, so it shouldn't be that big of a deal. So he assured me that everything was good, and it turned out that he had a lap top hidden on the back porch! So I emailed all the girls with him (all 218)got new email accounts, etc all the things I've done before. I wasn't prepared for how much worse it would make me feel this time, especially when I saw some of their responses! A good percentage of them called me names, said that I must be inadequate sexually, and several other nasty things. It never seemed to occur to any of them HE might be the problem. Plus others seemed to think they should still try to make arrangements to sleep with them!! Is there no sanctity to marriage any more? And is it possible that this really is my fault? He is like an alcoholic! to be with one you have to support their recovery!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 9:35pm

Rubys,
I'm just going to say that no it's not your fault and you should come on over to the "Families Damaged by Pornography" board.

You go under message board on the ivillage homepage, then select "pregnancy & parenting" and it's on the 6th page under Family Relationships.

If you guys have been through counseling for this, it's obviously the wrong counseling. If you're equating him to an alcoholic then he's addicted and he needs addiction therapy.

Head over there, there's lots of resources that may help you...
good luck.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 10:37pm

He needs to be attending SLAA meetings...Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. It's a 12 step program for people who are addicted to behavior like his. And there is a related program, COSA (I think it stands for Co-dependents of Sex Addicts) for SOs of the addicts. I'm pretty sure the Betrayed Spouse Support Board has more info about COSA and maybe even some online chats.

NO, it is not your fault he is like this. But you "taking care" of the situation is definitely co-dependant behavior. He needs to be the one to be responsible for his own behavior as part of his recovery, rather than you "managing" him. But of course, he has to want to recover.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 3:24am

I'm not sure what you mean when you say "WE've" been to all the counseling, HE is an addict and needs to be in a treatment program and addiction counseling BY HIMSELF. No other counseling is going to help, no counseling as a couple (with you) is appropriate, indicated, healthy or helpful. Couples counseling won't be helpful at all. I believe any therapist who is qualified to work with an addict would insist on working with the addict him or herself, it's important and ineffective to deal with an addiction with a spouse.


Please get yourself to Families Damaged by Pornography as soon as possible. There you'll find a group who understands what you're going through, has been or is there now. That is where you'll find the kind of support and knowledge base that will help you through this.


A few websites that may be helpful are:
Sex Addicts Anonymous
Sexual Compulsiveness Anonymous
Please realize that this is his problem, he'll have to want to fix it. There is nothing you can do to fix this for him or *make* him fix it. He may go through the motions of fixing it at your instance or upon the threat of you leaving, but unless he wants to make the changes because he doesn't like what it's doing to him, the changes won't be lasting.


There are some articles on sex addiction in our Information and Resources section:
What Is a Sexual Addiction?
Six Kinds of Sex Addicts
Options of the Partner of a Sex Addict
Is My Partner a Sex Addict?
I'll note that these articles were copied with permission from the Families Damaged by Pornography board, so you'll undoubtedly find them there too.


Best of luck, Ruby, having been married to an alcoholic and drug addict, I know addictions are not easy to deal with. The support you'll get on the Families Damaged by Pornography board will be very helpful to you, there a great bunch and they can be a great help to you.








~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown




Edited 12/5/2005 3:21 pm ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 11:35am
Rubys1,
I think it's terribly sad what you are going through and it sounds like a nightmare. How can you live in a marriage with no trust? If he is in fact addicted, his addiction will come first and your marriage second- that is the nature of addiction. THis is why he continues a behavior he is well aware is damaging to your relationship- your relationship comes second. It's a painful reality of addiction. I agree with the others that only he can be the one to decide to get help, but he has to want it first. If you married him knowing of this addiction, I have to ask why. If you married him and then found out about it, then there may be grounds for anulment as you were misled by him about his committment to your union. I only address this because you brought up "is there no sanctity to marriage anymore?" which sounds to me like you are generalizing to all marriages because you are unhappy in your current one. This concerns me because it sounds like you are willing to give up on the institution of marriage because you are with somebody who for whatever reason doesn't value it in the same way you do. NOT ALL MEN are like this and it would be sad for you to give up on having a truly fulfilling relationship because you are embroiled in this one, one laden with dishonesty and distrust. I hope he is willing to do whatever is necessary to make it work. If not, you have to choose eventually if you are willing to go the rest of your life like this. Maybe you are. Only you can decide that. Good luck to you and may your spirit not continue to be damaged.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2005
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 10:37pm
Wow, where to go. I met him five years ago. I knew that he had a problem with porn, I did not know how deep it went. He had told me not to worry about it anymore, that he had it under control, which obviously was not the case. He had been to therapy for this twice before, but had never gone into the addiction therapy. So I am happy to say that he has been to two meetings already this week. And not because I prompted him, either. Once he finally looked at some of the SA websites, it was like a lightbulb went on in his head. The whole marriage comment was more aimed at the women who decided that they would still make offers and belittle ME. That I don't get. I can give my husband one last shot to get his life together, but I can't forgive a woman who would go after a man that they knew was married and that was telling them he had a problem, please leave him alone. He is a really good father, and I think we are worth saving. I just thought better of most women in general up till this whole thing. Now to be fair, interestingly enough, I wound up comforting some of these women, because they were so upset, and didn't want me to think they were intenionally going after a married man. But there was a good portion that actually got more aggressive. and that is a serious thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 4:13pm

It could be too that those aggressive women were responding to a picture your husband had painted of you and your marriage, or that they were assuming you *must* be a horrible wife in order for him to be *forced* to look elsewhere, or they could just not have the kind of morals and values you'd expect. While I can understand you being upset at their response, to me, the primary fault lies in the partner who engaged in these contacts. Whether he made the first contact or they did doesn't matter IMO, he knows where his responsibilities lie, he knows what is and is not correct and he knew full well he was violating your relationship when he chose to engage in contact with those women.



I'm glad he's seeking help. The kind of help he needs is with someone who specializes in sexual addiction. I hope you keep posting and lurking on the Families Damaged by Pornography board. They'll be a great source of support, understanding, help and learning to you.


Best of luck, Ruby~







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"