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| Sun, 02-12-2006 - 6:44pm |
Hello all. I am 29, a mother of two beautiful children and have been married for 8 years coming the end of this month. I am having communication issues with my husband that in some ways are making things tense at home. In some ways, I think it has always been there, but now, I just want to be able to talk to him and not have it be an argument or a case I'm always right.
Truthfully, I think I am the one in the relationship that has most of the issue because my husband is the type that can talk something or anything out until he is blue in the face. Me, on the other hand am more like, this is this and that is that and that's the end. It isn't my way or the highway, but more I sometimes see things from only my side and that isn't fair. I really this man, and cannnot see myself without him, but I think I really need help with my communications skills. An ideas or comments.
Dalma

You didn't go into much detail, if you're able to offer more explanation or an example of a typical "discussion gone bad" you'll probably get suggestions that are more detailed and tailored to fit your situation. Offhand, I think I can relate as I tend to think my way is "the right way" (don't we all?). For me, I have to put myself in the mode to listen, which means checking my mouth (keep it shut until it's my turn to talk -- no interrupting) and while my husband is talking, my job is to really listen to what he's saying; if you're busy formulating your response while he's talking you're not really listening at all -- you can't listen if you're forming your response, and how can you form your response when he's still giving you information! (yeah, I know, I have to focus on being in the mode to listen, I already *know* what the right way is, I don't *need* his input, lol!
Here are some great informational posts on constructive arguing from our Information and Resources section:
Verbal Fencing With Someone You LoveTen Rules For Fair Fighting
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember
Some exercises that might help you are:
1. Lessons in Communication & Assertion2. Lessons cont. - Steps to Assertion
3. Lessons cont. - Language of Assertion
4. Lessons cont. - More on Communication I hope this is helpful to you!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I really think you would benefit from reading the book, "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carneghie. There's a lot of useful advice about how to effectively get your point across to somebody without starting an argument or saying things need to be this way just because I said so. It also gives a lot of advice on how to make the other person feel like you are really listening to them and taking their point into consideration.
It also sounds like from what you describe that your problem might be as much with listening skills as with communication skills. Something that I've found has been helpful to me when I'm trying to listen is just to put complete focus on just what the other person is saying at the moment and not let my mind wander to other thoughts. That means you also need to avoid the tendancy to think ahead to what I'm going to say next. Then, after the person has finished speaking, you can just rephrase what the person has said and say it back to them. For example, if somebody says, "Brad Pitt is the best actor ever." Then you can say, "You really like Brad Pitt, huh?" You can usually keep a conversation going for a very long time just using this technique. You can also try to put yourself in the other person's shoes, and pretend you're saying what they're saying and thinking and feeling what they seem to be thinking and feeling. Even if you don't agree with the other person, if you just pretend you do, then after a while you might start understanding their point of view better. I hope that's helpful to you.